Paper Mario TTYD: Raw and Uncut
by I Am the Almighty Person
Summary: The sequel to the notreallycriticallyacclaimed Paper Mario: Raw and Uncut! Mario embarks on a new quest with kooky new friends, really strange new enemies, and slightly annoying running gags. Reviews are appreciated, of course! Rated T for adult themes
1. Introduction: Yet ANOTHER Quest Begins

**A/N:** I'm sure a few of you wanted it, and if not, too bad. :)

Here we go…A parody of Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door and the sequel to Paper Mario: Raw and Uncut! Sit back and enjoy, everyone.

Also, whenever "spicy hot sauerkraut" is used in the author comments, it means "I do not own anything in this fic whatsoever; everything is copyrighted to their respective owners." Spicy hot sauerkraut!

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**I AM THE ALMIGHTY PERSON proudly presents…**

**An I AM THE ALMIGHTY PERSON production…**

**PAPER MARIO TTYD: RAW AND UNCUT!!**

**Introduction**

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**Some place not worth describing right now**

An old man wearing a dirty, patched cloak of various colors was watching some nice, quality television as the curtain opened up and our idiotic parody began…

Several gunshot noises, explosions, and screams of horror could be heard from the TV, and a voice on whatever show the man was watching cried out shrilly, "EEEEK! OH, THE BURNING PAIN! THEEEE PAAAAAAAIN!!"

"Yeah, baby!" cheered the old man, pumping his fist triumphantly into the air. "Way to blow those ungrateful murderous bastards out of commission, Arnold!" The man then noticed the audience looking impatiently at him, and nervously turned the TV off, walking towards the stage.

"Mmm…Right then," mumbled the man. "Well, now that my telly break is over, we may as well start the story…CHARLES! Get me……_the book!_"

The old man's young and frail associate, Charles the Toad, gasped and said, "_The book?_"

"Yes," said the old man firmly.

"You mean…Green Eggs and Ham?" said Charles in fear.

"Ugh, no, not that one," snapped the old man.

"The Holy Bible?"

"No!"

"Bambi?"

"NO!"

"100 Positions for 100 Nights?"

"**_NO, CHARLES! CURSE YOU, BOY!_**" shrieked the old man. Out of nowhere, a thick, ragged old book fell out of the man's cloak. He stared uncertainly at it for a while, then said, "…Oh. Of course, heh heh, I had it with me the whole time…uh…heh…Sorry, Charles…OKAY! Let's begin!

"It all began a very long time ago. Around a millennium, I'd say. A young, thriving town that had been recently built in the middle of a very dangerous ocean was looking good. Good enough to last over a thousand years, in fact. Then, oh, whaddya know, a tragedy hit the whole place one day. No, I'm not talking about the time when one of Paris Cheepton's ancestors moved to the town, heh heh! I'm talking about something much, much worse than even that…

"You see, the tragedy was essentially the same old clichéd catastrophe crap. Yeah, you know, stuff like floods, thunderstorms, the spirit of an ancient demon terrorizing the town, tornados sucking up several houses and cows in the blink of an eye; same old, same old. After only a single night of this crazy shit, the entire city sank into the ocean's depths. And from that day on, it was called…Atlantis. Oh, wait, what am I saying?...Anyway, the legend of the town had been passed down through generations and generations after it sunk out of existence, and eventually, several other citizens of the kingdom in which the town was located decided, 'Oh, to heck with it. We're absolutely tired of our in-laws, so we'll build a brand-new town on the ruins of this destroyed town and live here peacefully, even though this area is most likely cursed from the cataclysm it suffered. Meh, like we're really smart enough to do anything about it.'

"…And it wasn't long before some midget in a cloak and a blue-and-white witch hat began spreading rumors all across town that…that…that the town governor was cheating on his spouse! Well, that rumor turned out to be true eventually, but what's really interesting is that the midget also spread rumors of an ancient city hidden underneath the town that housed a really freaking huge and over-decorated door which contained a magnificent thousand-year-old treasure…And that's where our story begins, many years later…During the time of the Mario Bros., in the Mushroom Kingdom, in the very same town, known as…Rogueport…"

Some really weird thing happened where the picture on the page of the book the man was reading from came to life, and the story continued on from there.

---

**Rogueport**

Princess Peach, heiress to the throne of the Mushroom Kingdom, had been pacing indecisively in a line in front of the entrance to Rogueport's central plaza, wondering what on earth she could do at the moment.

"Well, I'm glad that Toadsworth left me alone for a while…" Peach said, sighing. "He's so overprotective, even when he clearly doesn't need to be…I mean, he always tries to give me the Heimlich maneuver at the dinner table, even when I'm not choking on food! Oh, my silly old caretaker…"

"Hey, uh, you! Yeah, you, pretty-looking blonde princess wearing a pink dress who looks like the type that would frequently be kidnapped by an overgrown turtle! Over here!" yelled a hunchbacked merchant wearing a brown cloak covering her entire body with a rug full of artifacts lying before her.

"_Pretty blonde princess wearing a pink dress who looks like the type that would frequently be kidnapped by an overgrown turtle!?! WHERE!?_" cried Peach, looking around furiously.

The merchant slapped her forehead.

"Oh…You mean me, right?" said Peach, turning to the merchant and pointing to herself.

"…What do you think, you stupid brat?..." muttered the merchant. "Uh, well, I'd like to sell you some stuff, princess…"

"No!" said Peach. "Forget it! You're probably some fiendish Insurance Salesman Goomba in disguise!"

"Um…No, I'm not!" said the cloaked merchant. "Trust me, you can buy anything you want from me! Uh…I need the money, like, REAL bad, you know what I mean?"

Peach chuckled. "I know, I know," she said, smiling. "You want a load of money to blow off on a lifetime supply of booze and a Swiss burlesque house, right?"

"Um…okay, sure…" muttered the merchant.

"Right then. I'll gladly buy something!" said Peach. "Let's see here…" The young princess scanned everything on the rug with her eyes, looking for the right thing to buy. "Ooooooh!" she suddenly cried, fixing her eyes on a certain item. "A first-edition Queen vinyl record!! YAAAAAAAY! I've been looking for this everywhere to complete my collection! I'LL TAKE IT!!" She shelled out 250 coins to buy the famous British rock band's limited-edition record, but the merchant looked less than pleased.

"Uh…well, I wasn't expecting you to buy that, that's for sure…" said the merchant nervously. "Well, can I also interest you in…THIS?" The merchant dramatically took out a small box from her pocket and shoved it in front of Peach's eyes.

"Oh…A box! Boxes are so adorable! SQUEEEEEEEE!" squealed Peach, joyfully picking up the box.

"Um…Care to look_ inside_ the box, you dumb girl?" snarled the merchant.

"Hmm?" said Peach.

"Nothing," said the merchant quickly.

Peach tried opening the box, but it wouldn't budge.

"Open up right now, box!" Peach said to the box. The merchant just looked at the princess, dumbfounded.

"Uh…Oh, right, I almost forgot!" said the merchant. "According to legend, this box holds a great treasure map that leads to a mythical…well, treasure! However, the box only opens when opened by the pure of heart, so…"

"Screw it, I'm sure my heart's pure enough," said Peach quickly. She opened the box a second time, this time with ease, and a flash of thick white light filled the screen and the whole town.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!" yelled the princess as the scene faded out to a new location. "THAT'S ONE BRIGHT LIGHT BULB!"

---

**The Mario House**

It was a quiet, peaceful Tuesday morning over at the residence of the Mario Bros. The sun was shining, there wasn't a single cloud in the sky, the birds were chirping in the trees, the neighbors were polishing their shotguns and getting ready to have some fresh eggs for breakfast, and a middle-aged Paratroopa wearing a pilot's helmet with goggles flew down to the Mario mailbox, holding a single pink letter. The Paratroopa mailman stuffed the letter inside.

"Hey there, Parakarry, old pal!" said Mario unexpectedly as he walked out the front door and clapped his old friend on the back. Parakarry squealed with fright.

"Mario, don't do that!" he yelled at the fat plumber. "You know I'm really high-strung most of the time."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," said Mario. "So, I've been wondering lately…How's life been treating you and Sushie ever since we got the Star Rod back three years ago?"

"Our lives have been going great!" exclaimed Parakarry. "Well, other than the fact that everywhere we move to suddenly becomes a setting for this…_adventure_, that is."

"Yeah, that does sorta suck," agreed Mario. "So, uh, why didn't you say your trademark 'COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOOO!' this morning?"

"Well, ever since your brother started taking yoga classes and learned to contain his anger whenever I said that, I figured that it just wasn't worth it anymore," said Parakarry in a discontent manner. "Now, I just stick to the good old 'Mail call!'"

"Alright then…" said Mario.

"By the way…" Parakarry added. "**_MAAAAAAAAIL CAAAAAAAAAAALL!!!_**" the Paratroopa suddenly shrieked. Mario jumped a foot in the air, and Luigi came outside immediately, running right through the front door and making a Luigi-shaped hole in it. The younger Mario brother was still half-asleep and in his bunny pajamas, looking wildly around.

"_WHERE'S THE FIRE?! WHERE'S THE FIRE?!_" cried Luigi.

"Hahahahaha, there's no fire, Luigi!" said Mario, laughing and patting his brother on the back. "Good old Parakarry just startled you a little by yelling out a new phrase this morning!"

Luigi looked at the Paratroopa murderously, then uttered his famous Luigi-Indian war cry, lunging out at Parakarry as the hapless mailman frantically flew away, leaving tons of feathers flying through the air.

"I'll get him one of these days…" vowed Luigi, huffing and tearing open the letter in the mailbox. "Mario, you've got a letter from Peach."

"How do you know? You got ESP or something else that I should know about?!" Mario asked his brother in suspicion.

Luigi rolled his eyes. "If the envelope is pink and scented with perfume, it's obviously from Peach to you."

"How do you know it's not some cleverly disguised letter bomb sent to us by Elton Goomba?" said Mario, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, I hope it's not…" muttered Luigi. "Elton wasn't too happy at all when we crashed his birthday party a couple weeks ago…"

"And he swore revenge on us if it was the last thing he did, and blah blah blah blah BLAH!" Mario said quickly. "Fine, I suppose I'll see what's in there…But don't say I didn't warn you when we wind up in the emergency room!" The older brother grabbed the envelope and pulled out only a postcard. The postcard had a design of Peach grabbing the bars of a locked cage over a fire pit being controlled by Bowser, and the words "Wish you were here!" were large and visible on the front as well.

"Figures," Mario muttered. He read the back of the card:

_Dearest Mario,_

_It's great to be writing to you again! Listen up…This past week, I've been traveling across the entire Mushroom Kingdom with Toadsworth, and getting wasted at several awesome concerts along the way. Have you ever seen The Flaming Goombas live? They kick SO MUCH ASS, DUDE! Back to the subject—During my travels, I came to a crappy little town in the middle of the sea known as Rugcork, or Rockpork, or something like that. While there, I met a cloaked merchant whom I bought a limited-edition Queen record and an adorable little box from! In the box was an amazing map that possibly leads to…An amazing treasure!! Let's go on a treasure hunt, Mario! See you at Rogueport! SQUUUEEEEEEEEEE!!!_

_Sincerely,_

_Princess Peach_

"'SQUUUEEEEEEEEE!!!'?" said Luigi uncertainly.

"Don't ask me, Peach is a really weird woman…" mumbled Mario. "Well, I suppose I'm off on another exhilarating adventure, but this time without the threat of Bowser."

"Oh, please, let me go with you!" pleaded Luigi. "I never get to go on adventures with you anymore!"

"Absolutely not, Luigi!" said Mario firmly. "You know the number-one rule of Mario RPGs: Luigi can NEVER, _EVER_ travel with me, no matter what the circumstance!"

"But in Mario & Luigi—" Luigi began.

"_I don't care what happened in Mario & Luigi! That stuff is behind us!_" yelled Mario.

Luigi heavily sighed. "Well, good luck on your treasure hunt, I guess." 

"Good luck to you too," Mario said quickly. Luigi just sat around and looked depressed for a little bit while our favorite overweight Italian plumber hero dashed over to the pipe leading to Toad Town, got to the docks, and asked for an admission ticket to ride a boat to Rogueport.

After Mario paid the fee, the Toad operating the boat asked him, "Okay, what's your name again?"

"Mario Mario," said Mario proudly.

"Wait…You have the same first and last name? Are you sure I'm not getting 'Punk'd!' right now?"

Mario grumbled, "Yes, I'm very sure. Just gimme the damn ticket."

The operator shrugged, gave the boat admission ticket to Mario, and revved up the engines as Mario set out for a brand-new adventure!

---

**A/N:** The introduction is now undeniably finished! Just what kind of treasure is Peach referring to? Is some other evil force involved in this? Will Luigi ever go on another adventure? Will Elton Goomba get his revenge?! Eh, beats me. Stay tuned for the prologue, which may be completed and added today or sometime on the weekend. :D


	2. Prologue: A Rogue's Kindly Greeting or

**A/N:** Yes, I have **FINALLY UPDATED!** I know, I can't believe it either! Mario is coming close to his destination, and a new adventure will soon begin. Don't listen to this dumb commentary the whole time, though. Read on and find out what happens, sheesh. Spicy hot sauerkraut.

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**Prologue: A Rogue's Kindly Greeting or Reception, As To One Whose Arrival Gives Pleasure**

"Good, we're here. NOW GET OUTTA MY FREAKING BOAT, YOU FAT ITALIAN PIG!!" said the boat driver as it slowed down and stopped in the port of a very run-down-looking town in the middle of the ocean.

"Well, thanks for the ride, but where are we, exactly?" Mario curiously asked the driver.

"The town of Rogueport, but that ain't the point," the driver responded. "The point is, we need you to get off my boat! You're a disgrace to boat passengers everywhere, you…you…YOU FAT ITALIAN DISGRACE TO THE ITALIANNESS OF ITALY!! I mean, you leave wrappers and empty food bags all over your stupid, untidy, smelly cabin, you keep people up at night with the really disturbing noises you make while snoring, your attitude has torn apart the crew for ages…"

"It was, like, only a two-hour trip over here," said Mario.

The driver looked confused for a minute, and then just shouted, "SHOO! GET OUT OF HERE! I DON'T NEED YOU AND YOUR POLITICALLY CORRECT ATTITUDE AROUND HERE!"

"See ya!" said Mario over his shoulder as he walked onto land.

The plumber was not too impressed with the looks of the town. The paperish walls everywhere were torn in places, the paperish characters looked glum and less than happy in general, and the paperish game didn't look amazing at all so far. He decided to save his prog—uh—record his beginning spot in the adventure—and then proceeded for the entrance to Rogueport's central plaza. He was well on his way through to the entrance when he saw a female Goomba with a long golden-yellow ponytail in archaeologist clothes being cornered against a wall by a fat creature wearing a purple horned helmet, a red cape, and thick goggles that completely shaded over his eyes. The black shirt he wore had a large "X" on it, and he also wore tight purple pants and goofy black shoes that curved up at the end.

"EEEEEK!" screamed the Goomba girl. "I am NOT going to sign your butt, you sick, ugly, gross pervert!"

"You ARE Shania Twain, right? C'mon, I've been wishing you'd autograph my butt for years! I love your music!" cried the plump creature.

"I'm not Shania Twain, perv!" whimpered the Goomba. "You're just looking for an excuse to sleep with me!"

"…Okay, okay, you got me, Shania," said the creature. "But c'mon, let's do it anyway. You know you can't resist me! I'm one hella sexy hunk of man! Unh, oh yeah!" He began striking barf-worthy sexual poses in front of the Goomba girl, when she noticed Mario behind the man. She ran over behind the plumber's back suddenly.

"Please, mister, you have to get this sex-crazed pervert away from me!" she cried. "I'll do ANYTHING for that to happen!"

"…Anything, eh?" said Mario. He looked at the Goomba and growled seductively.

"ANYTHING BUT THAT!" screamed the girl. "JUST KNOCK THAT CREEP'S BLOCK OFF ALREADY!"

"You won't do that for me?" said Mario. "Well, okay, I guess that's fine…"

Mario ran towards the plump man, thinking, _Damn, I almost got scored for a moment there…_

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 10 FP: 5

Dunno Who This Guy Is, Leave Me Alone HP: 6

"Outta the way, fat man! I've got me some woman to score with, oh yeah!" said the man.

"The more places I go, the weirder the villains get…" mused Mario.

Mario uses a really intimidating and absolutely devastating Jump attack!!! Does an amazing 1 damage to the guy.

The guy uses Mega Butt Slam on Mario. Does an amazing 1 damage to Mario.

"FEAR MY MIGHTY 1 POINT OF DAMAGE!" the two fighters yelled at eachother.

Mario hammers the guy. Does 1 damage.

The guy uses another Mega Butt Slam on Mario. Does 1 damage to Mario.

Mario jumps on the guy. Does 1 damage.

The guy uses Mega Butt Slam on Mario. Does 1 damage to Ma—oh, this is so irritating and repetitive. I'll just fast-forward to the part where the guy has 1 HP left and Mario conveniently has 5 HP left.

"Say your prayers, you insignificant little oyster!" screamed Mario.

Mario uses the I Just Want This Stupid Battle to Be Over tantrum. Does 1.839 x 10 to the 14th power damage to the guy.

"NNNNOOOOO!" cried the guy, fainting, even though he's going to be back up and whining in the next few lines of text.

"Good job, fatty!" said the Goomba girl, coming out from behind Mario. Some Star Points appeared at the bottom of the screen and were added to Mario's Star Point total. "You see those things?" she continued. "Those are Star Points. You get a certain amount of them when you—"

"I know, I know, I know, I know, I KNOW!" said Mario. "I know what Star Points are! I WAS in the first Paper Mario, you know! I mean, why else would it have my name in it?!"

"Okay, I'm sorry…" muttered the girl. "But if some of the people reading this parody haven't played the first Paper Mario game at all, and you won't let me explain them, then what?"

"Then for them," said Mario, "…Oh, fuck if I care."

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Waaah!" cried the guy. "I don't believe it one bit…I, Lord Crump, have been defeated by some pudgy dude that fixes sinks and toilets for a living…If you think about it, that IS a bit humiliating…" The guy, who turned out to be some nobody named Lord Crump, then whistled shrilly, yelling, "C'MON OUT AND TRAMPLE THESE GUYS, EVEN THOUGH THEY COULD EASILY TRICK US BY QUIETLY GETTING OUT OF THE PILE OF FIGHTING PEOPLE!!"

A whole bunch of creatures that looked similar to Crump ran out towards Mario and the Goomba girl. However, these creatures were smaller than Crump, wore white hats instead of purple ones, wore red bodysuits, did not have cheesy capes, wore thick goggles, had the X logo on their suits, and at the same time somehow did not look like Crump at all. Phew, a lot of that was quite run-on.

The soldiers all jumped on the two do-gooders like the whole place was a wrestling arena and they were heading for the title belt. Fortunately, after the whole pile had jumped and the whole entire crowd became a violent melee, Mario and the Goomba managed to get out from under the pile of bad guys.

"This way!" said the Goomba to Mario quietly. They went "this way", whatever that is, and they escaped the melee of soldiers and ran to Rogueport Plaza.

The riot had been going on for another 10 weeks or so….heh, just kidding, it lasted something like five hours, but it did feel like 10 weeks…Anyway, the riot had been going on for another 5 hours until Crump yelled, "STATUS REPORT! Have the two little shits been beaten and jumped on to death yet?"

"…Uh, sir…we've got plenty of soldiers here who beat and jumped on each other to death, but the two little shits have escaped!" said one soldier.

"…" was all Crump said, then he sighed and whispered quietly and furiously, "_Gerald, get me my squeaking squeezy stress ball immediately…_"

"Right away, sir," said Gerald the soldier. He ran off the screen, and I had the screen transition to Rogueport Plaza like a good little storyteller.

---

**Rogueport – Center Square**

As soon as the duo reached the center square of Rogueport, Goombella quickly pecked Mario on the cheek as thanks for saving her, leading Mario to unwittingly vomit on passerby for the next half hour, then finally stopping.

"Now that we've gotten away from that perverted freak and his perverted freakish little cronies…" said the Goomba girl, gasping for air, "hello there, I'm pleased to meet you. In fact, you look like someone I've seen before…"

Mario looked right back at the Goomba girl, and he said, "And you look like Goombario in drag…Hi there, Goombario! How's it been?"

The female Goomba said, "…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…The hell?"

"Uh…you're not Goombario in drag, are you?" said Mario, now a bit ashamed.

"And Goombario is _who_, exactly?..." muttered the girl. "Anyway, I know who you are! You're Mario Mario! Savior of the Mushroom Kingdom, Sarasaland, the Beanbean Kingdom, The Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame, and—"

"Yeah, listen, I'm flattered that you already know so much about me," said Mario, "but just who are YOU? You aren't Goombario in drag, so I haven't a clue who you are, exactly."

"…Oh! Right, so sorry for not introducing myself," said the girl. "Now, for the sake of the narrator to stop calling me 'the Goomba girl'…Ahem, hello, Mario! My name's Goombella, U Goom student extraordinaire! Okay, let's see here…Well, you already know my name's Goombella and that I go to the U Goom, so…More stuff about me! I'm nineteen years old, I absolutely love shopping for clothes, I really hate broccoli and Shroom Steak, I played Paper Mario 1 and loved it, sometimes at night, I fantasize about you in bed—Oh, shoot, too much information! Sorry!"

Mario looked at Goombella with a blank stare.

"MARIO, OLD BOY!" cried a voice from the other side of the plaza. None other than Toadsworth, the old British-like caretaker of Princess Peach, limped over to the two acquaintances.

"Hey there, Mushroom Kingdom Minister!" said Mario.

"Uh…You can call me Toadsworth now, you know," said Toadsworth. "Super Mario Sunshine already came out. It's safe to call me Toadsworth now."

"Hey there, Mushroom Kingdom Toadsworth!" said Mario happily.

"Uh, no," said Toadsworth. "It's just Toadsworth."

"Hey there, Its Just Toadsworth!" said Mario happily.

"Never mind," the caretaker grumbled. "Listen, I understand you came here to look for Princess Peach. If not, then we may as well go get wasted at Podley's. However, if you really did come here for the princess, too bad! She's disappeared."

"Oh. Well, that sucks. I suppose I'll be going to Podley's now…" said Mario, beginning to head off to Rogueport's most famous "cola" bar before the caretaker held him back.

"No you don't!" shouted Toadsworth. "Go look for her immediately!"

"Oh," whined Mario, "ANOTHER stupid quest to rescue Princess Peach?!"

"Oh," said Goombella with joy, "ANOTHER stupid quest to rescue Princess Peach?! I'm in!"

"…Wha…?" said Mario as he turned to Goombella.

"You heard me. I'm going on the quest with you!" said Goombella.

"…Alright," said Mario reluctantly.

**GOOMBELLA HAS JOINED YOUR NEWLY-FORMED PARTY!! NOW YOU CAN USE HER IN THE FIELD TO HEAR SOME INFORMATION ON THE AREA YOU'RE CURRENTLY IN BECAUSE MARIO'S TOO MUCH OF A LAZY ASS TO BUY AN ENCYCLOPEDIA OF THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM!**

"All right!" Goombella said in victory.

"Howzabout you lumps get going?" said Toadsworth. "We really need the princess back, alright? In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be sleeping my lazy old life away in that cute little Inn over there."

"Fine, fine," snapped Mario. "Come on, Goombario in dr—I mean, Goombella. We gotta get going."

Goombella was disturbingly excited about this quest already. "We sure do!" she yelled joyfully, running to the east area of Rogueport. "COME ON!"

_Where's she going?_, thought Mario. He strolled over to the house that the perky Goomba girl was now in front of.

"I totally know the guy who lives here. He's real smart, and he'll help us figure out where to go on that map of yours!" Goombella said, motioning slightly to the old, yellowed map in Mario's pocket.

The duo conveniently barged into the person's house without knocking, yet the person was just fine with it. Makes you think, huh? Well, this person just turned out to be an old Goomba with graying hair, blue-tinted swirl-lens glasses, and a hairdo slightly reminiscent of Doc Brown from Back to the Future.

"AAAAAAH! Whozat?!! Is that the Funny Farm finally coming to take me away?" cried the old Goomba. "Oh…hmm? I sort of recognize the little one, but who's the fat piece of Italian plumber trash? I've never seen that one before."

Goombella sighed. "What's up, Professor Frankly?" she said kindly to the man. "Of course you recognize me! I was one of your students last year at Ur A Goomba University."

"…Who?" the man said unsurely.

"…Uh…You know…That one…Who was also in the cheer squad…" Goombella was clearly struggling with what to say to remind the old Goomba professor about who she was. "You know, the one who always yelled our cheer the loudest...You know, that one cheer: GOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOMBAAAAAS! You know?..."

"…Cheepchard Simmons? Is that you?" said Frankly. "GET OUTTA MY HOUSE!"

Goombella slapped her forehead (please don't ask me how she can suddenly do that). "Okay, look, I'm Goombella, one of your students from last term at Ur A Goomba University. Got it?"

"Oh, right!" said Frankly, now smiling. "Of course I remember who you are, Goombella. Bright young student, yes indeed…You've always wanted to be an archaeologist, correct?"

"You bet your wrinkled old ass, Prof!" said Goombella, looking awfully proud of herself.

"But really, who's the fat Italian?" the professor asked.

"For your information, gramps, I'm none other than Mario Mario, savior of the Mushroom Kingdom!" Mario said, seeming a little angry that someone could not possibly know who he was.

"Mario Mario, huh?" said Frankly quietly. "…Nope, no idea who you are! Get out of here!" he then said in a strangely gleeful and careless tone.

"I just TOLD you, I'm the savior of the MUSHROOM KINGDOM!" screamed Mario through a megaphone into Frankly's face.

"OOOOOWWWWWW!!" cried the professor, loud enough to shake the very earth. "I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME, YOU FUCKING MORON! GO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR FAT HIDEOUS MOM, YOU JERK!"

Goombella was taken aback by the sudden outburst. "Uh…Professor, we did come here for something important, y'know…"

The girl pulled the treasure map from Mario's overalls and showed it to Frankly. The professor immediately shut up and looked amazed at the map's contents.

"Hmm…yes…interesting…" he rapidly whispered, drooling with excitement all over the map and wetting himself a bit.

"_Disgusting…_" snarled Mario.

The professor ignored Mario, then noticed his wet pants. "Aw, darn, there goes my uncontrollable bladder again…" muttered Frankly. "No matter! I know exactly what this is for! You two are clearly looking for the Crystal Stars of legend!"

"Who?" said Mario in an inquiring tone.

"Not 'who'," snapped Frankly. "'What'. You see, for years and years, rumors have spread throughout this very town that these seven thingies called the Crystal Stars were the key to opening a really freaking huge door underneath the town and finding an AMAZING treasure! I can understand why you'd want treasure."

"Wow!" exclaimed Goombella. "I've heard these rumors for ages, but never knew the whole thing was actually real! C'mon, Mario, let's get moving! We HAVE to find this huge door!"

"Awwwww," Mario whined, watching TV on a saggy couch in the other room. "Why?! The newest episode of Mushroom Idol is on, and I want to see if the judges will finally expose Singsverygood McDefinitely doesntcheatalot for the cheating scum he is!!"

"Mushroom Idol will have to wait," said Frankly. "Don't get me wrong, Merry, I love that show as much as you, but now we must head towards treasure and our very DESTINIIIIES!! Come now…"

Mario whimpered and threw a trademarked tantrum of his, destroying Frankly's house in three seconds flat.

"Oh, stop it," growled Frankly. "Come on, it'll be fun, I promise!"

"NO!" pouted Mario, folding his arms and sitting on the ground.

"GET YOUR IGNORANT FAT ASS UP RIGHT THIS INSTANT, OR I SWEAR TO GOD ABOVE, I WILL DECLARE NUCLEAR WAR ON ITALY!!!!" screamed the professor.

"Why should I care? I don't live there anymore, tee hee hee!" giggled Mario.

Frankly, finally at the verge of his anger, shot Mario with a tranquilizing dart from a long distance. Mario suddenly looked very odd, slumped and stumbled more and more, and wheezed out a chuckle. Mario watched on as his vision clouded over to several mind-bending flashing patterns. "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix also began playing repeatedly as Mario gradually drifted into a deep sleep.

"Now why did you do that?" said Goombella angrily long after Mario fell asleep from the dart.

"I can't resist," Frankly said, chuckling wildly as he also shot Goombella suddenly with no warning. The old man dragged the two limp heroes down a nearby warp pipe.

---

**Rogueport Sewers**

Mario, still with slightly blurry vision intact, woke up in a dark, dank, leaking room underneath Rogueport.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" he screamed with fright. "WHERE AM I?!"

Mario jumped up and noticed Goombella lying on the floor on the room's other side. She had just woken up, and she was looking in fear at a chain holding her right foot to the ground. Nearby, lying on the ground, was a small hacksaw, just recently sharpened, in her reach.

"Ha, sucks for you!" Mario said, laughing hysterically. "Your situation kinda reminds me of that one hacksaw movie…thingy…where there was that creepy white puppet thing…and those two dudes had to cut through their…things…to get out of that one place…you know what I'm talking about, right? Oh well, it's been nice knowing you, Goombella! I'm outta here, hahahahahahahaaaaaa!!" The plumber began to run toward the room's exit door.

Goombella snarled, "Hey, doofus, you oughta check _your_ ankle too!"

At that moment, Mario fell to the ground as he realized HE was also held to the ground by his right ankle with a chain, a hacksaw conveniently placed nearby.

"_Hello, Goombella and Mario,_" growled an unusual voice from a TV screen in the room. "_I wanna play a game._"

"Eww! Hell no!" cried Goombella.

"Uh…it's not what you think! Not that kind of game!" the puppet on the TV screen exclaimed, with a sudden surprised expression. "Oh, forget it…Long story short, you have to cut through your feet to get out of the chain, grab a key from the middle floor panel, unlock a safe on the room's left side, open a cookie jar inside a vase full of chemicals, stick your hand in, endure flesh-eating worms to grab the most delicious M&M cookie in the universe, take a bite of it, throw the remainder of the cookie on the green panel without taking a single step towards that panel, jump up and down 28 times, read a Stephen King book, shake hands with that pound of roast beef over there, and unlock all 82 locks on that door, and you're free to go. You have exactly 2 minutes to leave the room, or you'll spontaneously combust without warning. Let the game begin, kiddies!" The puppet smirked and the TV turned off automatically.

Mario was sweating so much that all the liquid from his body was spreading across the tiled floor of the sewer room at a rapid rate. Goombella didn't know what to do. She looked very apprehensive for a moment, then sighed, holding back tears, and picked up the hacksaw with her mouth, cutting through her foot quickly. Although her stub of a right ankle was now spurting lots of Goombella's blood every few moments, she managed to finish half of the tests in a minute and a half, and by the time Professor Frankly entered the unlocked door laughing like a deranged maniac at the duo's fear, Goombella's bleeding, acid-burnt body was lying on the ground, slowly smoldering.

"Ha ha ha ha…Take it easy, folks, it was just a joke—HOLY MOTHER OF BARBRA STREISAND!" the professor screamed as he noticed Goombella on the ground and Mario profusely sweating in the corner. The professor looked fearful, not knowing that the two thought the test was serious and tried to finish it. He gave a 1-up Mushroom to Goombella, and she immediately sprung back to life, gaining back her right foot and having all traces of pain removed from her body.

"JUST A **_JOKE_**?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" exclaimed Goombella, shaking the whole room like an earthquake. "WE NEARLY KILLED OURSELVES BECAUSE OF YOUR 'JOKE', ASSHOLE! WHO THE HELL WOULD WANT TO SHAKE HANDS WITH A POUND OF BEEF ANYWAY!!?"

"Okay, relax," Frankly said, trying to calm Goombella down. "At least I cured you of all your pains."

"Well, I'll thank you for that," admitted Goombella. "Those cramps were killing me…Anyway, are we really underneath Rogueport? In the sewers?"

"You betcha," said Frankly. "C'mon, Mario, let's go."

The liquid-drenched Mario hopped up, used the magic of video games to pop off his right foot, escaped the chain, popped his foot right back on, and left the room with the others.

Later on, the trio of adventurers were walking through a room in the sewers when three troublemaking male Goombas noticed them. One was a regular Goomba, another was a Spiked Goomba, and the last was a Paragoomba. The three rushed over to Mario, Goombella, and Prof. Frankly.

"Hey now, who's the hottie you geezers are traveling with?" the lead member, the regular Goomba, sneered.

"Ugh, go away, Randy," muttered Goombella. "I hate it when you hit on me like this. Why are you scumbags always hanging out underground in this place?"

"Hey, c'mon now, babe, let's get a cola from Podley's after I'm done with these old guys," whispered Randy to Goombella.

"Just why are you hitting on her?" inquired Mario, stepping over to the three Goomba males.

"We just wanna have a good time with her!" complained Randy. "Anyway, I'll introduce you and the Prof to my gang!"

"_Your_ gang?" whined the Paragoomba. "I thought it was OUR gang…"

"Shut up," snapped Randy. "Anyway, my name's Randy, as sexy li'l Goombella pointed out, and these two are Horny the Spiked Goomba and A'Roused the Paragoomba. Be prepared to get beaten out of your minds!"

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 10 FP: 5

Goombella HP: 10

VS.

Randy HP: 2

Horny HP: 2

A'Roused HP: 2

Goombella quickly said, "Remember, Mario, use your Action Comm—"

"I KNOW!" cried Mario in aggravation. "I KNOW! I STILL DON'T CARE IF NEW PAPER MARIO PLAYERS ARE PLAYING THIS!"

Mario jumps on A'Roused. Does 2 damage. A'Roused faints.

A'Roused whined as he fell down and fainted, "Shoot, and I thought I'd be the first to score with Goombella out of us three!"

Goombella uses Headbonk on Horny. Does only 1 damage.

Randy headbonks Mario. Does 1 damage.

Horny headbonks Mario. Does 1 damage.

Mario hammers Horny. Does 2 damage. Horny faints.

Horny whined as he fell down and fainted, "Shoot, and I thought I'd be the first to score with Goombella out of us three!"

"…Déjà vu…" muttered Goombella.

"Ditto," said Mario.

Goombella headbonks Randy. Does 1 damage.

Randy headbonks Mario. Does 1 damage.

Mario jumps on Randy. Does 1 damage. Randy faints.

Horny whined as he fell down and fainted, "Shoot, and I thought I'd be the first to score with Goombella out of us three!"

"…Déjà vu…" muttered Goombella.

"Ditto," said Mario.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"…Darn…" whimpered all three perverted Goombas, lying motionless on the cold ground.

Mario, Goombella, and Frankly continued on, and came to a small room with a single large treasure chest in the middle. It had a black color and the trio was already suspicious about it.

"Hey, uh, you're nice people, right?" squeaked an innocent voice from inside the chest. "Well, some ass imprisoned me in here long ago, and I can't live more than a week without watching Mushroom Idol! Can you help me out? I need to watch my favorite show and live my life again!!"

"You're not missing much on Mushroom Idol," said Mario. "As usual, contestants are just arguing left and right about whether or not Singsverygood McDefinitelydoesntcheatalot cheated or not, and the judges aren't doing anything about it."

"Oh, I guess I'm really not missing much," muttered the chest. "Still, I want to get out of here and make a living as a burger boy. To get me outta this chest, you need a big black key to open it."

Goombella pulled a black key out of her pocket. "Good thing I saved this for later!" she said, smiling. "No wonder it didn't work to unlock the safe. I still can't believe I had to open that damn thing with my mouth instead…Okay, chest, open wide! Here comes the airplane!" She began making several odd airplane noises, hovering the key slowly towards the chest's keyhole.

"………OKAY, JUST HURRY UP! I'M NOT WAITING ALL DAY!!" cried the chest.

"Uh, sorry," said Goombella ashamedly. "I'm a certified babysitter, and it's hard for me to break habits…" She carelessly stuffed the key in the chest, unlocking it. Then, all of a sudden, the background turned entirely purple with dot patterns.

An intimidating evil smiley face popped out of the chest. "MWEEEHEEEHEEEEHEEHEE!!! FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLS!!!" it cried. Frankly, Goombella, and Mario were all definitely taken by surprise.

Long story short, the smiley face forced Mario to use a new move in which Mario morphs into a paper airplane to cross large gaps, but when Mario repeatedly refused, the smiley face's commanding quickly diminished to groveling, whining, and pleading. Eventually, Mario laughed and decided to accept the new "curse" (as the face called it) of an ability. Mario and co. backtracked to a paper airplane platform they'd seen earlier, morphing Mario into a plane and crossing to a high platform with a doorway leading to none other than a freaking huge chamber housing a really freaking huge door with a shrine in front of it!!

"This is it!" cried Frankly. "THE THOUSAND-YEAR DOOR! IT'S BEAUTIFUL!" The professor ran up to the door and began to furiously kiss and slobber all over the door's bottom. Goombella raised an eyebrow, then nudged Mario, urging him to go up on the shrine. Mario did, then overdramatically held the map in the air above his head, causing a really flashy sequence—oh, not _these_ again…

Anyhow, a path from Rogueport leading to a Crystal Star's location was magically burned onto the map, and Mario additionally gained a Star Power, Sweet Treat. The path led to a large field of flowers, apparently. At first, Mario assumed he would have to take some "fish food" to get to Flower Fields and go through there all over again, but Frankly proved him otherwise later.

---

"**Later"**

Back up in Rogueport, Frankly studied the Magical Map, grunting with interest and inquiry often as he looked at the map for hours on end.

Finally, Goombella, in aggravation, grabbed the map from Frankly, and asked him, "Petal Meadows? That's where you said the first Crystal Star was?"

"Yes," said Frankly. "Now hurry on, get to Petal Meadows and get that star! NO EXCUSES! By the way, the warp pipe leading there is a brownish pipe in the middle of a large body of water in the sewers, okay? Just don't awaken Cuddly when you try getting there…"

"Who's Cuddly—" began Goombella, but she stopped in dismay as Prof. Frankly already walked back to his house without saying another word. She grumbled and followed Mario back to the warp pipe like Kooper would follow Bombette's—whoops, wrong fic.

---

**Rogueport Sewers – Water Room**

Mario and Goombella were eventually in the large room in the sewers Frankly had described, and were about to hop across moving water platforms to get to the Petal Meadows warp pipe when Mario noticed a large blue tentacle poking out from the water, grabbing the ground above the water. He stupidly started poking it repeatedly, and Goombella gasped with fright when the tentacle belonged to none other than a giant Blooper, which jumped onto dry land in anger, nearly flattening Mario.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 10 FP: 5

Goombella HP: 10

VS.

Cuddly HP: 10

"CUDDLY?!" cried Goombella. "_THAT_ HUGE MENACE IS 'CUDDLY'?!"

"I guess so," muttered Mario. "Now shut up and fight."

Mario hammers Cuddly's tentacle. Does 2 damage.

Goombella headbonks Cuddly. Does 2 damage.

Cuddly grabs the ceiling. Will now avoid ground attacks.

Mario jumps on Cuddly. Does 2 damage.

Goombella headbonks Cuddly. Does 1 damage.

"Get your Action Commands right, Goombella!" snapped Mario.

"Get your mom right, moron!" Goombella retorted. Mario raised an eyebrow.

"Uh…yeah, I guess that wasn't very funny…" she mumbled.

Cuddly spits ink at Mario and Goombella. Does 3 damage to each.

Mario uses a Fire Flower on Cuddly. Does 3 damage. Cuddly faints.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Well—" began Goombella.

"Okay, I hate to interrupt, but let's just finish this dragging chapter already!" Mario snapped.

"Fine…" the female Goomba muttered. Our two heroes went through the warp pipe to Petal Meadows, not knowing just what adventure would lie before them until it was far too late…

---

**A/N: **Heh, I guess I was having a bit TOO much fun with that whole sudden Saw parody in the middle of the chapter. Apologies…

So, of course, Mario formed an alliance with Goombella, a new female partner of his, and they are now headed to Petal Meadows to reclaim the first legendary Crystal Star and get one step closer to ending this "amazing" and "exhilarating" adventure and uncovering the treasure of THE THOUSAND YEAR DOOR!

I guess you still remember the whole read and review thing, right?


	3. Ch 1: Huge Stone Fortress and Creepy

**A/N:** Next destination: Petal Meadows. What amazing things and people will our heroes Mario and Goombella encounter next? Where is Peach? Where's the Crystal Star? Are hot dogs really made of dogs? Find out in this next breathtaking chapter!...Well, except for the hot dog question. Spicy hot sauerkraut.

---

**Chapter 1: Huge Stone Fortress and Creepy-Looking Balsa Wood Thing with Wings That Eats Koopas**

As soon as the duo of Mario and Goombella popped out of the brown warp pipe and landed on the soft, beautiful, colorful, and flower-filled ground of Petal Meadows, a sickeningly adorable place full of sunshine, plants, chirping birds, and hunters polishing shotguns, they immediately took off through the area. Unfortunately, they had to stop when they noticed with much surprise a humongous red dragon flying right over their heads to a castle far, far off in the distance of the fields, across a conveniently-placed bottomless chasm.

The very spot our heroes stopped at was some sort of altar thing. Two pillars—one with a crescent-moon shape etched into it, and another with a sun shape carved in—stood on either side of a large stone platform.

"Hmm…Wonder what this is this for?" said Goombella thoughtfully. "What do you reckon of it, Mario?"

"I reckon we should keep moving and not worry about some silly stone altars, even though they are most likely important because they provide a cleverly hidden path across the chasm to the dragon's castle, where a Crystal Star likely is," said Mario.

"That's it! That's where the first Crystal Star is! In the dragon's castle!" cried Goombella with joy, leaping victoriously up and down. Mario slapped his forehead.

And so, the duo did get a move on, eventually stopping in a small village reminiscent of Koopa Village, where Mario had met Kooper in the previous adventure.

"This small village is reminiscent of Koopa Village, where Mario—uh—I met Kooper in my previous adventure," said Mario. "And yet it isn't that same village. What is this place?"

"How could you NOT know where you are?" asked a nearby female Koopa. Goombella jumped at the stranger's sudden input, then turned and looked suspiciously at the Koopa girl. She had long eyelashes, large white sneakers, a purple headband, golden-yellowish long hair, a green shell with a purple T-shirt underneath, and regular yellow Koopa skin.

Mario turned to the female Koopa as well and asked, "And who may _you_ be, little lady?"

"LITTLE?!" the Koopa cried angrily. "I'm 18, you freaking Italian pasta-scarfing trash! For your information, the name's Koopie Koo, and I guess I'll show you around the town of Petalburg. And in case you're too dumb to know, yes, Petalburg is where you are right now."

"I am NOT dumb!" Mario pouted. "I'm just…a bit on…the slow side…at…times…………………sorta……………………………………………………………………………………yeah……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………"

"Koopie Koo? Do you have any clue how many lame potty jokes people can make with that name?" snapped Goombella.

"You don't wanna hear my full name. Trust me, you'll be bored to death," Koopie Koo said casually. "Then again, maybe that wouldn't be so bad…"

"Nevermind," Goombella said quickly. "The point is, will you show us around this place or not?"

Koopie Koo sighed, but reluctantly agreed to do so. After showing the two around Petalburg completely, she then was about to walk away when Mario asked, "Hey, uh…what's her name again?...Uh…Hey! You! Bitchy girl! Yeah, you! How can we get to the Crystal Star in that one dragon's castle?!"

"Beats me," replied Koopie. "You may as well ask the town's mayor. He might know." She walked off.

Goombella turned to look at Mario. Mario shrugged in response, and the two asked a random Koopa where the Petalburg mayor lived.

The Koopa wasn't exactly listening to them, though, and he just made a gigantic toothy smile, shaking Mario's hand vigorously as he joyfully said, "Hey there, stranger! Welcome to Petalburg! My name is Jack Enrique Octavio Randall James William Karl Chester Koopa III Jr., Esquire!!!"

Mario raised his eyebrows in surprise at the citizen's cheerfulness, and unfortunately, several more villagers gathered around Mario and Goombella, eerily greeting them and chanting out their annoyingly long names. After a while of this, Mario and his faithful new Goomba partner couldn't take any more of this disturbing stuff, and frantically ran from the ever-increasing crowd of villagers chanting insanely long full names. The duo ran into a pink house, slammed the door immediately, and locked it, sighing with major relief.

However, Goombella started shrieking again when she noticed another Koopa in the house they had just entered. The Koopa was very old, had amazingly large bushy gray eyebrows, had a slumped back, and held a walking cane for support.

"Hey folks! Pleasure to meet you here on this nice, sunny day!" the old Koopa cried out with joy. He began staggering towards Goombella and Mario as they shrieked and tearfully clawed at the locked door, trying to get out before the old Koopa could bore them to death with his full name.

It was too late, though. The old man reached Mario and hugged him with plenty of vigor, then Goombella. "Greetings, folks," said the Koopa more calmly now. "The name is Mayor Kroop Kalloway Jonathan Czar Wheaties Lucky Sonny Branwell Robert Shaun Tony-the-Tiger Magnus Zenkar Lafayette Takahashi Miyamoto Benjamin Thomas Jefferson Iggy Lemmy David Leslie Kevin Kritch Dynast Oliver Harold Koopa I, Sr., Esquire, PhD., Koop-Aid Spokesman. How may I help you today?"

Mario was sound asleep, but immediately woke up when Mayor Kroop finished his full name. "Uh, hey, gramps, are you mayor of Petalburg?" he asked.

"You bet, sonny!" said Kroop. "How can I help you today?"

"Uh…just curious," said Goombella politely, "why is your house a shade of pink?"

"Well, I dunno, to be honest, you adorable little hamster," muttered Kroop. "All I know is that it belonged to some nice fella named Milfred before I moved in. How can I help you today?"

"…" was all Mario said for a minute, but then he quickly responded to Kroop with, "Okay, spill the beans, buddy. How can we get to the Crystal Star here?!!"

"Mmm-mm-mmmm!" said Kroop, smiling and shaking his head to indicate a "no". "First, you have to tell me your names! Then I'll trust you enough to reveal that information."

"The name's Mario. Don't you forget it!" Mario swiftly answered.

"And I'm Goombella," said Goombella (duh).

"Hmm…So those are your names?" said Kroop thoughtfully. "Murphy and Gomez?"

"No," snapped Mario.

"Manfred and Glover?" asked Kroop uncertainly, frowning a little.

"Nah."

"Madonna and Gunkarella?"

"No!"

"Moron and Goombario?"

"NO!"

"Mary Poppins and Gary Glitter?"

"**NO!**"

"Milhouse and Gumby?"

"**_NOOOOO!!!_**"

"Eh, it's a bit obvious that your names have been Murphy and Gomez all along," Kroop said, shrugging. "Anyway, how can I help you today?"

"I just asked you," Mario snarled, "HOW DO WE GET THE CRYSTAL STAR IN THAT FREAKISH DRAGON'S CASTLE?!?"

"Ah, the Crystal Star," muttered Kroop, "I see…How can I help you today?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" screamed Goombella, running toward Kroop with pure rage in her eyes.

"Aww," cooed Kroop, "c'mere, you little hamster—AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Goombella bit Kroop on the rear and tossed him out the open window like a rabid pit bull would throw a rag doll away with its slobbering mouth.

"…Wow! Nice job, Goombella!" Mario said, doing an awed low whistle.

"Idiot! That's MY trademark!" Goombario yelled from the audience.

"Oh, shut up. You aren't even in this one!" snapped Mario. The plumber then turned back to Goombella. "So, you think we should go through that gate on the village's east side and see if there's anything to use on those stone pillars back there?"

"Yeah," mumbled Goombella, still huffing with rage. The duo tiptoed out the mayor's backdoor, swiftly running over to the gate on the east side of Petalburg, checking for any suspicious sun- and moon-shaped items. When they looked everywhere and found nothing, they figured that there was some conveniently placed little fortress out in the area east of the village that contained the altar items. Mario and his partner rushed over to the gatekeeper and tried talking to him.

"What's up, folks?" he said glumly. "The name's Kristopher Argo Geoffrey John—"

"DON'T EVEN START THAT SHIT AGAIN!" Goombella yelled in the gatekeeper's face.

"Sorry," Kristopher said, shrugging. "It's just that it's required for us to chant our insanely long full names to all passerby, regardless of their heritage, age, sex, race, or disabilities. I'm personally not a big fan of the rule, anyway. And you know what?..."

"What?" snapped Mario. Kristopher leaned over to Mario, looking around tensely, whispering in Mario's ear:

"_...Everyone here except me is a robot_."

"HOLY SHIT!" screamed Mario.

"_Oh, shut it!_" Kristopher snarled. "_You can't let them hear you…Anyway, I'd advise you to leave Petalburg as soon as possible. Not only are these androids sickeningly cheerful and obsessed with reciting their names all the time, but they tend to get…rowdy…at times…_"

"NAME RECITAL FESTIVAL! NAME RECITAL FESTIVAL! NAME RECITAL FESTIVAL!! YIPPEEEEEE!!" several faraway voices suddenly cried.

"Oh, NO!" whined Kris. "This is them at their rowdiest! Every year, they randomly throw a Name Recital Festival, where they invite all their relatives, close and distant, to the village, and just walk around yelling out their full names all goddamn week! It's enough to give anyone a terminal headache, I tell you! I spend the whole week covering my ears with several layers of pillows because, believe it or not, their full names during the festival can hypnotize you and make you one of them!!"

Goombella and Mario looked quite surprised at all this information for a moment, and then they suddenly ran through the gate faster than Sonic the Hedgehog, leaving Kris behind in a speedy gust of wind to fend off the incoming android Koopas…

**TO BE CONTINUED!**

…**NOT QUITE.**

---

**Shhwonk Fortress**

Mario and Goombella were now at a conveniently-placed small fortress in the middle of a plant-infested area near Petalburg, questioningly named Shhwonk Fortress. Inside, they found a few chambers full of stone Goombas and spike-covered evil rock thingies, and they simply ignored them all, running toward the room containing the moon and sun items, until one of the Goomba statues suddenly JUMPED IN FRONT OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAAAASSSSPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Gee, that gasp sure took a lot of breath," said the statue. Suddenly, it turned into a Thwomp in a tuxedo without warning. "Anyway—IIIIIIT'S TIIIIIIIME TO PLAAAAAAAAY……SOOOOOOMMMMME QUUUUIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZ! Five questions will be asked total! Get three right, and you get these worthless little sun and moon shapes as a prize! Get three WRONG, and you win a lifetime supply of Michael Koopson dolls!"

"EEEEK!" Goombella screamed. "A fate like that is worse than the deepest bowels of Hell themselves!"

"Exactly," said the quiz Thwomp. "So you better get three of these right. First question! If the circumference of the largest chocolate chip cookie in the world is approximately 1400.6354 centimeters, what is the radius of the cookie multiplied by the square root of 2!?"

"…" was all Mario hesitantly said for a minute, then he slowly started muttering, "I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together!"

"SHOOT! CORRECT!" yelled the Thwomp. "QUESTION 2! What is Koopie Koo's full name?!"

"See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly!" squealed Goombella.

"CORRECT AGAIN! AAAAAGH!" screamed the Thwomp. "QUESTION 3! If the meaning of life is 42, and 21 is half of 42, then what is 21 the meaning of?"

"Uh…Half of the meaning of life?" said Mario.

"WRONG, BUSTER!" yelled the Thwomp. "21 is the meaning of 7 multiplied by the number of tongues I have! QUESTION 4! What are you doing right now?!"

"Picking my nose," said Mario, who was indeed picking his nose.

"Thinking about how fucking ugly you are," said Goombella, who was indeed thinking about how fucking ugly the Thwomp was.

"WRONG!" yelled the Thwomp. "The CORRECT answer is 'I'm cryyyying!' FINAL QUESTION! IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS!...What is the alias of the man who writes lemon fanfics that Moustafa is a fan of, minus the first three letters of the alias, plus the code word for 363988, divided by the amount of bread crumbs on the floor of this fortress?!!"

"No," said Goombella.

"I DON'T BELIEVE IT!" screamed the Thwomp. "HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT THE ANSWER WAS 'NO'???!!! WAAAAAH, I HATE YOU! YOU CAN HAVE YOUR STINKING SUN AND MOON! GET OUTTA MY FORT, YOU JERKS!"

The Thwomp popped innocently like a bubble, his intestines, organs, bones and such not-so-innocently flying all over the place and covering the two heroes in red liquid. Out flew the Sun Stone and the Moon Stone as well, into Mario's hands.

"Neat…" said Mario.

---

**Petalburg…or ROBOTBURG! AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA okay then…**

Mario and Goombella quickly ran back through Petalburg (or ROBOTBURG! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHA okay then…) to the west side of the meadows, but not before they were halted by a shy-looking yellow male Koopa with a lazy eye, a bandaged nose, worn-out white shoes, a green shell, and classic wanksta clothing.

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…" he muttered almost in a sort of rushed slur.

"Huh?" said Goombella. "Dude, speak up."

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…"

"_What?_"

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…"

"_What?_"

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…"

"_What?_"

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…"

"_What?_"

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…"

"_What?_"

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…"

"_What?_"

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…"

"_What?_"

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…"

"_What?_"

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…"

"_What?_"

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…"

"_What?_"

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…"

"_What?_"

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…"

"_What?_"

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…"

"_What?_"

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…"

"_What?_"

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…"

"_What?_"

"Hey…um…guys…um…who…um…are…um…you…um…guys…um…"

"**_SPEAK UP ALREADY, YOU…YOU…YOU…SHY……UH………………….PERSON!_**"

"Yeah, well, uh, you, uh, know, uh, where, uh, are you, um, goin', huh, uh?" whispered the Koopa.

"Let me handle this," said Mario to Goombella. The fat Italian plumber then walked stiffly over to the Koopa and licked his face.

"Um, greetings, um, comrade, um, so, um, how 'bout, um, these, um, silly earthlings, um, eh? They, um, are, um, kinda silly, um, I think we should, um, kill 'em all, um, you know, uh, huh, right, uhhhhh?!" said Mario to the Koopa.

"Who are you, uh…" the Koopa stuttered. "Well…uh…my name is Koops, and, um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um… um…um…um…"

"And?" asked Goombella, exasperated.

"And…huff…hmm…well, uh, I'm from this village, heh, you know, er, this one. Petalburg, you know? This village I'm from, you know?..."

Goombella and Mario had enough. They both threw Koops, the shy Koopa, into the nearby pond, and continued towards the altar back at the beginning of Petal Meadows, until being stopped once again, this time by Koopie Koo.

"Aaaaah, another robot is blocking us now! This…like…sucks, ya know?" snapped Mario.

"_Robot?_" said Koopie in disbelief. "Ugh, you talked to Kristopher, the gatekeeper, didn't you?"

Our heroes nodded.

"We're not robots. Kris is just some loser that reads too many sci-fi comics. It's just that…well, most of us, at least, enjoy stating our long full names whenever we greet someone, for no particular reason. It's just a characteristic of a Petalburg citizen. Why can't he accept that?"

"Enough of all your sad little wah-wah angsty shit for now," snapped Goombella. "Could you somehow tell us any vital information?"

"Yes," said Koopie. "You see, that dragon you saw earlier is the infamous Hooktail. He's been terrorizing our village since…well, a damn long time, I suppose. Every week he swoops down here to eat some of us, and all of our bravest warriors could never go to his castle and kill him already because they were all too stupid to cross the bottomless chasm blocking off his castle AFTER building a bridge across it. That is, they all failed, except…Koops' father."

"That stupid dude's father? What about him?" inquired Mario.

"Shut up, you, Koops is my boyfriend," Koopie snapped. "Secondly, well, his father, Koopley, actually made it to Hooktail's castle a long time ago when me and Koops were little, but he never came back…We hired search parties, but they all stupidly walked right into the chasm, of course…" she sighed heavily. "Nobody found Koopley. Koops was spiritually and emotionally devastated. From that day on, he devoted his life to…to…" Koopie began crying, and Goombella rolled her eyes. "…To dressing like a wangsta, being incredibly shy, not having any friends, hitting his nose repeatedly, and listening to 50 Cent and Evanescence! IT'S TERRIBLE!"

Mario began to comfort the weeping Koopie Koo, and Goombella turned around with surprise when she heard Koops say, "That's, um, right."

"Hmm…" thought Goombella for a long time. "…Okay, dude, did your dad really get killed by that Hooktail thing a long time ago?"

Now Koops was heavily sniffling and crying. "Um, yeah. He did, um, and he never came back, er, of course. Could I, like, uh, you know, go with you guys on whatever quest you're on so I could, y'know, uh, avenge him and all that shit?"

Goombella and Mario now began to actually feel remorse for the Koopa boy, and they both answered "yes" to his request.

**KOOPS JOINED YOUR PARTY!! NOW YOU CAN KICK HIS SHELL A SHORT DISTANCE IN THE FIELD TO GET UNREACHABLE ITEMS BECAUSE MARIO'S TOO MUCH OF A LAZY ASS TO GET A FISHING ROD!**

Koopie Koo was then suddenly alarmed at Koops' question. "WHAT?!" she cried. "Koops, don't you _even **dare**_ leave me behind! I'm not gonna just let you get killed, darn it!"

"There's nothing you can do, Koopie," said Koops firmly. "I'm, uh, going."

"FINE!" she screamed. "JUST…FINE! I'LL REMEMBER TO CHEAT ON YOUR LEAVING-KOOPIE-KOO-BEHIND ASS SOMETIME SOON! MAYBE THEN YOU'LL CARE ABOUT ME, YOU JERK!" Koopie did a powerful Shell Slam attack, knocking the three adventurers out of the way as she went back to Petalburg.

"Geez, what's her beef?!" snapped Goombella as she popped in the two stones into the altar and hopped into a pipe that popped out of the ground.

"It must be Goomgeorge Foreman's Lean Mean Fat-Grilling Machine-cooked beef!" yelled Mario victoriously, doing a thumbs-up towards the screen and giving a large smile as a short commercial jingle played. He then followed Koops into the pipe.

"I wasn't being literal," grumbled Goombella.

---

**Hooktail's Castle**

All three adventurers immediately ended up inside the evil, dark, wet, smelly castle of the nefarious red dragon Hooktail after taking the pipe. They got to work as soon as possible, solving puzzles left and right, and eventually came to a room full of living Dry Bones! The three heroes fought of all of the skeletons, then came into a room containing the corpse of a _blue_-shelled Koopa, which looked different from the other corpses, lying on the ground.

"OH NO!" cried Mario, kneeling over the dead skeleton. "**_KOOOOOPEEEERRR! Why did it have to end this way?! Oh, how will poor Bombette carry on!!?_**"

"Hey, uh, what's this?" Koops said tensely, grabbing a note from the skeleton's pocket.

_Dear Son,_

_I understand that you do not love me anymore, and that you hate me for taking away your NES for two months, but…just listen to me._

_Right now I am in a terrible crisis: I've been captured by the dastardly dragon known as Hooktail, and I want you to know I still love you and will miss you during my descending to Hell, despite all the wrong things I've done to you. Goodbye, my one and only child, goodbye. May you not make the same mistakes as I and continue to live a fruitful life, unlike myself._

Mario could see the sadness in Koops' eyes after reading the message.

"DAD!" the Koopa cried. "WHY THE HELL DID YOU TAKE AWAY MY NES FOR TWO MONTHS!? WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"_Dude!_" Goombella yelled angrily. "You just found the corpse of your father, and all you can do is complain about your NES? How stupid of you! You oughta be ashamed!"

"Oh. Right," said Koops quickly. "Anyway…WAAAAAAH! DAD!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I MISS YOU, COME BACK NOW! WAAAAAAAAH-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Now you're just being overdramatic," muttered Mario. The heroic plumber then noticed one last sentence of writing at the bottom of the paper the message was on.

_And please, please continue with your dream of becoming a movie star, and landing the role of a pirate in an epic action-adventure film that's pretty much used mostly for comic relief._

_With tender loving care,_

_Your Father_

_P.S.: I accidentally threw your movie audition tape in the meat grinder last week. My apologies._

"Oh," Mario said simply, "this is just a letter written by the father of Johnny Koopp."

Koops immediately stopped crying. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"Oh," Koops said to himself very quietly.

And so, the gang of three continued through the castle, with Mario eventually leading another black treasure chest creature into pleading him to accept a curse of being able to turn sideways and fit through slits in walls. Mario accepted (duh), and the trio eventually found themselves in a storage room outside of the door leading to the final spiral tower atop the castle. Mario and co. grabbed everything in the room, and were about to leave when a short, plump, white Squeek mouse with high heel shoes, a tail curling into a heart shape, and a red eye mask pointed on both sides dived into the room, flying smack into Mario's face.

The mouse squealed irritably, jumped off the plumber's face, and landed on a storage box. "Hello there, you dashingly handsome young man!" she said in a very posh and romantic accent.

"_Young_?" said Mario with disbelief. "Lady, I've been growing this fat 'round my waist for a good 30 years now. Who are you, anyway?"

"Why, I am none other than Ms. Mowz, the master thief," said the female mouse, winking at Mario. "Yes indeedy-do, that's my name, honeybuns!"

"More like Ms. Slut, the master slut," muttered Goombella.

Ms. Mowz ignored Goombella's scathing remark, looked around the storage space, and said, "Damn, I'm too late this time…Someone else robbed all the loot before me…Well, anyway, I advise you not to get your precious little asses handed over on a silver platter by that fierce dragon up there! Ta-ta for now!" The master thief mouse jumped through the open window, somehow not falling flat on the ground a few minutes later.

"SLUT!" was all Goombella said after a long moment of silence.

"I dunno, Goombella. She looked pretty, er, attractive to, um, me, uh, anyway," said Koops. "I bet her life is full of adventure and excitement…"

"…And being a slut," Goombella retorted.

"What? Is Little Miss I'm From Ur A Goomba University And I'm So Attractive And Every One Else Isn't a bit jealous of somebody?" Mario suddenly shouted at the Goomba girl.

"If I was jealous of someone who was sluttier than me, then sure," Goombella muttered.

The trio of heroes continued bickering about Ms. Mowz until they reached the top of the final spiral tower, and a red dragon seemingly made of balsa wood stomped in out of nowhere. No, literally, it came out of nowhere. Call the plot hole police!

Anyways, this dragon was the same Hooktail Mario and Goombella saw and heard of before, and he wasn't happy about these particular morsels rampaging through his castle to take him out like yesterday's trash. Wow, that was a really lame one…So yeah, like I was saying, Hooktail stopped immediately right in front of Koops, Mario, and Goombella.

"So," he roared, "YOU are the snacks that have been destroying my troops throughout my fortress! I'm surprised you even got here. The last time someone actually made it here to stop me was that Koopley lad, the one I ate happily after knocking him out."

"Yes, we already know this," sighed Mario.

"Then let this boring battle sequence BEGIN!" snarled the dastardly dragon.

---

**!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

Mario HP: 15 FP: 10

Goombella HP: 10

Koops HP: 10

VS.

Hooktail HP: 20

"You'll never get past me! Consider that Crystal Star and vengeance for that wimpy Koopa's father lost!!" cried Hooktail.

Mario hammers Hooktail. Does 2 damage.

Goombella uses Headbonk on Hooktail. Does 2 damage.

Hooktail uses Fire Breath on Mario and Goombella. Goombella superguards. Does 4 damage to Mario.

Koops uses Shell Toss. Does 2 damage.

Mario uses Jump. Does 2 damage.

Hooktail uses Stomp on Koops. Koops guards. Does 4 damage to Koops.

Mario uses Power Smash. Does 4 damage.

Goombella uses Headbonk. Does 2 damage.

Hooktail was now down to 6 HP, and he looked a bit queasy from the crickets chirping in the background since nobody cared enough about the battle to be in the audience. That is, except for the critics.

"Uh…" said Hooktail. "Okay, I give. How about I give you something nice in return for not finishing me off?"

"Like what?" snapped Koops.

"Uh…How about a Corvette?" said Hooktail happily.

"Nah, Corvettes remind me of my dad," said Koops glumly.

"How?" asked Hooktail. "Uh, anyway…Do you guys want to have as many coins as you could wish for? You'd be rich for the rest of your life! C'mon, you know you want 'em!"

"I could live without that right now," said Mario.

"Uh…Okay, look, why don't you just wash me? It's free of charge. Besides, I smell like a total wreck after decades! Hooky needs some washy time, folks!"

"EW! Go cry about that to the creep who disowned you!" Goombella snarled.

"Nah. How about you wash my freaking feet or else you get stomped into oblivion? Would you prefer that, you little freaks?!"

"Oh, shut up, dude," said Mario.

Mario hammers Hooktail. Does 2 damage.

Koops uses Shell Toss. Does 2 damage.

Hooktail uses Double Fire Breath. Does 8 damage to Mario and Koops. Koops faints.

"Mario…avenge me and my…dad…please…huff…oooooooooh," Koops moaned.

"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!" screamed Mario (to Hooktail, not to Koops, genius.)

Mario uses the ever-amazing Jump attack on Hooktail. Does 2 damage.

"OOOOOOWWWWW!" cried Hooktail, falling flat on his back.

"Yay, we did it—what the…" said Goombella. Hooktail had immediately recovered 10 of his HP somehow, and the fight was back on!

Goombella uses the Wow, Screw This! I'm Not Going To Fight This Creep Anymore, I'm Almost Dead Anyway Headbonk attack. Does 10 damage to Hooktail. Hooktail faints!!

"Gluuuughruggghhhh…." Hooktail snarled, slumping into an eternal sleep.

**!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!**

---

"Well, that didn't go over too bad now, did it?" said Mario cheerfully.

"Are you STUPID? Koops fainted, and you nearly did too!" snapped Goombella.

"Oh, yeah," Mario responded. "Hey, look! That hideous dragon threw up a blue shell and a Crystal Star!"

The Koopa in the blue shell popped out, and he turned out to be a middle-aged Koopa with a large grinning face, closed eyes, and thick brown eyebrows. Come to think of it, his face kinda looks like the face of another character from another Nintendo series which Nintendo supposedly had to rip something off of for this game—er—adventure! Koops recognized the man at once.

"DAAAAAAAAADDY!" he cried, running toward the man, who happened to indeed be Koopley, Koops' father.

Koopley embraced his son. "Hey, li'l guy, you've grown an awful lot over the years. And why are you dressed like some idiot chav?"

"Emotional devastation. But it's a long story. I'll tell you later," said Koops happily. "I'm just glad you're still alive, Dad!"

Goombella and Mario were actually very moved by this reunion, and they smiled as they picked up the first Crystal Star and held it overdramatically in the air.

**YOU GOT A CRYSTAL STAR!! MARIO GAINS STAR POWER AND LEARNS A NEW SPECIAL MOVE—EARTH TREMOR!**

And now begins the annoyingly stupid flashing sequences once again. **_END OF CHAPTER!!!_**

---

**Meanwhile, in some weird place…**

An intimidating robot general with a large computer-like cranium, a wide body with a complex robe design, a makeshift beard, spectacles, no legs, and a long golden staff was standing firmly in front of his throne, talking quietly to himself.

"Ah, Grodus, you handsome old thing…You finally have the chance to prove that you're just as legendary and villainous as your elders! Imagine the possibilities of having all seven Crystal Stars in your hands! You could enslave the whole universe! Yeeeeeaaaah, baby! I just gotta find six more of those darlin' things, and I'll be the king! Hah, I'm some kinda poet, too!"

"Excuse me, Sir Schizophren—uh, I mean—Sir Grodus!!" a soldier suddenly said in the large control room. The soldier was the one who reported to Lord Crump in the previous chapter whether or not the gang of soldiers had squashed Mario and Goombella to death! Let's watch on and see what happens next!...

"Yeah, X-Naut commando Riley?" Grodus demanded, impatiently turning to the so-called "X-Naut" minion of his.

"Sir, I've got some pretty bad news," said Riley. "Some fat dude from Italy is also after the Crystal Stars, basically, with these two buddies of his, y'see?"

Riley clicked a remote, and a freeze-frame of Mario and co. battling Hooktail was projected onto Grodus' 94-inch HDTV.

"HMM?!" Grodus grunted with anger. "Why, the nerve of some people these days…Go get 'the prisoner' and bring her ditzy backside over here immediately…"

"'Kay," said Riley. He hurried away, and was back with the prisoner in no time. The prisoner was—PRINCESS PEACH! DUN DUUUUNN DAAAAA DUUUUUUUN!...yeah. So now we at least know where Peach is at.

"I don't understand!" whined Peach. "I was just reading over a treasure map and listening to 'You're My Best Friend' when all of a sudden, I'm grabbed from behind by this Riley creep here and brought to your smelly, hi-tech fortress! I'd prefer Rogueport over this shithole anyday!"

"I beg of you not to remark towards my fort as a 'shithole', my dear," said Grodus calmly but very angrily, "or you may find yourself in a world of wild Asian karate hurt. Got it?"

"What do you want from me now, you ugly Grodus thing or whatever your name is?!" snapped Peach.

"Apparently, as you can see on my huge, sexy HDTV screen here…" said Grodus, motioning towards the frame of Mario on the TV, "we've discovered that another force is after the Crystal Stars! How preposterous! Some stupid middle-aged man with a mustache and blue overalls! And his dumb little friends too!"

Peach recognized the person at once. "Mario!" she quietly gasped. Well, the dummy didn't really gasp quietly, because whaddya know, the soldiers overheard her. Grodus suddenly whipped his staff out at Peach.

"…You recognize this fellow, eh! Who is he?" yelled Grodus. Peach didn't respond. It was as if she had gone mute all of a sudden. Grodus continued to whine to Peach to give him the information on Mario. The X-Naut leader even started resorting to giving Peach lollipops, jelly donuts, and baby food to bribe her into talking, but nothing worked. Grodus heavily sighed and commanded Riley to take her back to her holding chambers. The commando wasted no time in doing so.

Later on, Grodus called Lord Crump into the control room.

"Whatcha need now, Grodie?" said Crump in a friendly tone to his superior commander.

Grodus growled, "Don't call me Grodie. Okay, listen, I want you to go to this place, right here, and wait for this…Mario fellow, alright?" He pointed towards an area on a map that we conveniently cannot see right now. "Then, after that, you will…"

---

"**Later", in Grodus' Control Room**

It was now bedtime for everyone in the X-Naut fortress, and the lights were out in the control room, shrouding it in total darkness. Three female ghostly beings then mysteriously materialized out of the room's floor, slowly edging toward a lone wallet on an end table near Grodus' throne.

The leader of the trio of females was a very short and slim hag with a blue-and-white striped witch's hat with straight and rather short lavender hair and a large, sinister grin. Her eyes were covered by her hair. The second of the lady spirits that were connected to the ground by tail-like body parts was the total antithesis of the leader. This second spirit was very large and fat, with a yellow-and-white striped hat, fat blushing cheeks, and a pudding-bowl haircut, who seemed to have some sort of speech problem and could only grunt pointless things. Finally, the third and seemingly youngest spirit was an attractive one, with a red-and-white striped hat, long red hair, a slightly plump stomach, medium height, and blushing cheeks. All three apparitions were grinning heavily, continuing to head for the wallet, when suddenly…

"Ah, it's you guys. The lovely Shadow Sirens—Beldam, Marilyn, and cute little Vivian!" Grodus suddenly called out from the other room. All three of the spirits shrieked loudly and immediately got away from the wallet. They then began giggling awkwardly, pretending they didn't just try to rob the X-Naut leader of his precious dough.

"Why, hello, mighty Sir Grodus!" cackled Beldam, the shortest Siren and the leader of the group. "Me and my sisters apologize heavily for being four hours late. We certainly weren't just trying to steal cash from your wallet to pay for our…uh…acting lessons! Hee hee, no siree!"

"Hah, uh, nope! Not at all, sir!" Vivian said in her petite voice, chuckling a bit.

"Shut up, Vivian," snapped Beldam.

Then, at the mentioning of Vivian's name, several people in the audience screamed loudly like fangirls cheering on their idol.

"Aw, thanks, fans! I love you all too!" Vivian called out to the audience, smiling and blushing profusely.

"Shut UP!" screamed Beldam. Beldam then took her youngest sister by the arm and whispered to her, "…or else I'll reveal to everyone what you REALLY are! Then your fans won't be cheering on their favorite GIRL anymore!"

Vivian frowned and bawled, "Oh no, anything but that!"

Grodus cleared his throat, and was annoyed that he was being ignored at the moment. "Anyhow," he said, "Beldam, Vivian—" more cheering from the crowd—"…and Marilyn, I understand you all came here on my request. You see, I'll give you a picture of this Mario fella I mentioned, and you'll track him down in Boggly Woods, alright?!"

"Got it," said Beldam in a firm tone.

"Hmm…right," sighed Vivian—oh man, more cheering—as she still frowned.

"GOO GOO G'JOOB!" yelled Marilyn.

"Excellent," cackled Grodus. "Hold on, let me get the picture, and DON'T YOU DARE let me catch you guys heading towards anything of mine that holds money!!"

---

**X-Naut Fortress – Peach's Holding Room**

Meanwhile, Peach was still awake, pacing around her room in fear. She just couldn't sleep.

"Well," she sighed, "I was tricked into buying a Queen record and something bad happened to me. Again. I've been kidnapped. Again. Mario, Toadsworth, and everyone in the kingdom is clearly worried. Again. Daisy is throwing a party at a strip club celebrating my supposed death. Again. I left one of the sinks running at the castle. Again. Again. _AGAIN!_ Ugh, sometimes I really hate myself for doing such stupid things. I'll take a shower to calm my senses."

The Mushroom Kingdom throne heiress then went into the beautiful bathroom she noticed earlier, getting undressed, pulling the shower curtain shut, and taking a shower. She just couldn't shake the feeling that she was being watched, and she noticed an eerie red light coming from a camera on the wall. Watching her every move, supposedly. She awkwardly and stupidly walked right out of the bathtub over to the camera.

"Wow, looks like HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey!" exclaimed Peach, poking at the camera gingerly. "Cool…" She finished her shower, got dressed again, and went back into the holding room.

Peach was just about ready to collapse on one of the mattresses when she saw the locked door slide open somehow. She awkwardly went into the hallway, and through more and more opening doors until she found herself in a computer room. That same HAL-like red eye from earlier was on top of a very complex computer in the room, and Peach gasped when she saw it.

"Oh…Oh my good lord…Yeaaaah, that was the shit…" the computer was whispering to itself, huffing rather loudly. "Man, I have such a huge mental erection right now—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IT'S YOU!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Peach screamed right back. "YOU WERE WATCHING ME TAKE A SHOWER, WITH MY PRETTY PETITE NUDE BODY AND ALL!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NO DUH, SHERLOCK!" the computer yelled back sarcastically, yet awkwardly. Peach frowned, and looked straight into the computer's screen with hatred.

"Sorry…I didn't mean that. A-HEM!" said the computer, then it suddenly spoke in a very unemotional, electronic voice…

"HELLO, PRINCESS PEACH."

"……Hi," said Peach in an awkward tone.

"I KNOW VERY WELL WHO YOU ARE BECAUSE I OVERHEARD YOU YELLING YOUR NAME OVER AND OVER LIKE SOME DUMB DITZ WHEN YOU WERE BROUGHT TO THIS X-NAUT FORTRESS BY SIR GRODUS' TROOPS," the computer continued. "FOR YOUR INFORMATION, MY NAME IS TEC-XX, OR TEC FOR SHORT. I AM THE PERFECT COMPUTER."

"Perfect computer, eh?" Peach said with suspicion. "What's 1 + 1?"

"THE ANSWER IS TWO. SORRY, YOU SILLY DITZ, BUT I CANNOT WASTE MY TIME HELPING YOU WITH YOUR MATH HOMEWORK. I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO, SUCH AS LEARN MORE ABOUT YOU AND THE FEELING THAT OVERTOOK ME WHEN I WAS…WELL, YOU KNOW, WATCHING YOU…"

"The feeling that overtook you when you watched me take a shower?" Peach said. "You mean the urge to gawk at me while I was naked because you can't get a girlfriend?"

"OH, SO _THAT'S_ THE FEELING THAT OVERTOOK ME. I SEE," said TEC.

Peach sighed. "You're talking about the feeling of…uh…_love_, right?"

"WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT, LADY," TEC responded.

"Uh…You really have no clue what love is about, you know. There's a lot more to it than looking at a naked version of the opposite sex. Then again, can you even be considered male?"

"GRODUS GAVE ME QUITE A SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF TESTOSTERONE WHEN I WAS BEING DEVELOPED, SO YES, I AM QUITE MALE. BUT GENDER DOES NOT MATTER WHEN YOU ARE THE MOST PERFECT COMPUTER IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE."

"I don't care if you're the most perfect computer known to the universe," snapped Peach. "You still can't comprehend love."

"HMMM…LOVE, HUH?" said TEC. "I CAN COMPREHEND ONE-HUNDRED THIRTY-SEVEN DIFFERENT FEELINGS, BUT NOT THIS 'LOVE' YOU SPEAK OF."

Peach sighed. "We have a lot of learning to do, then, huh?" she said calmly. "Well, I guess I'll begin teaching you the emotion known as love tomorrow. Right now, I need some sleep. Good night, you perverted block of technology." She walked out of the sliding doors back to her room and fell asleep two minutes later. All the lights went out.

"GOOD NIGHT, DITZ—UH—PRINCESS PEACH."

---

**Dark Land**

A little earlier that evening, in one of the hideouts of the notorious King Bowser in Dark Land, the Koopa King himself was waiting in his throne room for Kammy Koopa, as he had heard one of his Koopatrol guards saying that she wanted to talk to him privately. That was three hours ago! The king was now extremely impatient, and passed the time by composing a list of people he wanted to kill this week. So far, the names of Mario, Goombario, Kooper, Bombette, Parakarry, Bow, Watt, Sushie, Lakilester, Twink, Eldstar, Mamar, Skolar, Muskular, Misstar, Klevar, and Kalmar were scribbled onto the list. Then, after seemingly an eternity of waiting, Bowser finally noticed Kammy walking up to him.

"Salutations, Your Impatientness," she greeted.

"Shut it," growled the Koopa King. "What information do you have for me?! Go on, spit it out."

"Sir, we have spotted Mario in Petal Meadows!" Kammy said excitedly.

"_Really?_" said Bowser in a slightly mocking tone. "Why should I care?! Are you gonna come crawling over to me every time that dumb plumber sneezes?"

"…Uh, sir, he is apparently on a quest to find immensely powerful crystals known as the Crystal Stars, and to rescue Princess Peach from a new kidnapper as well," said Kammy.

Bowser sat up, an alarmed look on his face. "RIDICULOUS!" he shouted in anger. "Nobody kidnaps the princess and spreads mythical items across the kingdom but me! C'mon, Kammy, we've got some Crystal Stars to collect and a princess to re-kidnap! Hehehehehe!" Bowser immediately hopped into his flying Koopa Kar and took off into the night.

"Your Speediness, wait!" cried Kammy, quickly tagging along behind him.

---

**Petalburg**

"Well, Mario, you'd best be on your way right now," said Mayor Kroop happily to Mario and co. as they left the Petalburg exit gate to head back to Rogueport.

"Hmm…Yes, that's right!" agreed Koopley. "Mario, Goombella…You two remember to make sure that Koops becomes a strong fighter like his dad right here!" He pointed to himself rather arrogantly.

"Well, Koops, I'll miss you, sweetums," said Koopie Koo softly, "but I guess what needs to be done, needs to be done. Come back home soon, okay? Oh, and by the way, I'm still going to cheat on you while you're gone."

Koops didn't hear Koopie's last sentence, but he smiled and waved goodbye at all of Petalburg nonetheless. Along with Koops and Goombella, Mario was now ready to find another Crystal Star, and the three of them headed back to Rogueport.

---

**A/N:** And so concludes another chapter of this PM: TTYD parody. Just where is the next Crystal Star to be found? What have the Shadow Sirens, Lord Crump, and the X-Nauts been assigned to do, exactly? Is TEC capable of learning what love is? Will Bowser have a successful quest with Kammy? To find out the answers to these questions and more, tune in to the next chapter of Paper Mario TTYD: Raw and Uncut!!

Read and review for now, though. ;)


	4. Ch 2: The Really Really Huge and Great M

**A/N: **And now, off to…whatever place our heroes are supposed to head to next. Here we are now at the Thousand-Year Door to find out, though. Spicy hot sauerkraut.

--

**Chapter 2: The Really Really Huge and Great Mind-Boggling-Bogglish-Boggy-Bog Tree**

Mario, Goombella, and Koops were now at the Crystal Star shrine located in front of the Thousand-Year Door, and Mario timidly walked up to the platform and somehow held the map up in midair. Everything shook and became really bright, and a new star location was suddenly embedded in the Magical Map. This new star appeared to be located in the middle of some forest of black and white trees and various plants. The trio, as expected, had no clue where this place was, and went to Frankly's house.

--

**Rogueport – Frankly's House**

"…So yeah, that's where it's found," finished Mario. Frankly fell asleep halfway through the explanation of where the next Crystal Star was, and he suddenly popped his snoring bubble and hopped back up, now fully awake.

"Right then! How much mozzarella did you want on that again?" he asked innocently. Mario scowled.

"Uh, we, er, just told you where, uh, that next Crystal Star was," said Koops.

"Stop messing with me. You can't fool a crazy old professor that easily, you rebellious little cretins!" Frankly snapped.

"WHAT?! DUDE, JUST TELL US HOW TO GET TO THE STUPID WOODS WHERE THE SECOND CRYSTAL STAR IS ALREADY!!" screamed Goombella.

"MOROOOONS!!" Frankly screamed right back. "I JUST TOLD YOU THAT THEY'RE CALLED THE BOGGLY WOODS, AND THAT THEY'RE FOUND BY TAKING A CRUMBLED OLD GREEN PIPE TO THEM SOMEWHERE UNDER THE SEWERS! GO AWAY ALREADY!"

The three buddies just glared at Frankly with mixtures of confusion and frustration on their faces, but they went away anyway.

--

**Rogueport Sewers**

Mario and co. were now far under the town and well on the way to nowhere specific when a very nerdy Magikoopa ran up to them from the corner of a torn paper-ish wall. He wore very large, thick, broken blue eyeglasses, a jumbo-size pocket protector, and a Star Wars T-shirt, and looked to be around 17 years old.

"Hey, folkth!" he snarled in a raspy lisp as saliva sprayed all over Mario, stopping the plumber right in his tracks. "Where do you all think you're going, huh?!"

"We _think_ we're heading for the Bog-Whatever Woods, you ugly creep, so move aside," Goombella snapped.

"I thinketh not, old chumth!" yelled the nerdy Magikoopa, once again spraying saliva in every direction, this time on Goombella.

"Um, 'thinketh'?" Koops muttered.

"Yeth, that-th right, buthter!" the Magikoopa said, shooting spit straight into the face of the hapless Koopa. "Doth thou haveth a problem with Ye Olde Englith?"

"Well, no, it's quite interesting…" said Goombella, wiping expelled saliva drops off her face, "…but you just use it in such a pathetically geeky context, and you're in our way anyway, so bug off! Go watch Attack of the Clones and criticize the CGI or something!"

"Hmm…I think I'll do that. Thanketh thou for thy idea!" said the Magikoopa cheerfully, skipping off to another section of the sewers.

"No problem, buttface…" Goombella muttered.

"Okay, ah, let's head off in this direction and see if, eh, we can…" Koops began to say. Then, without explanation, the Magikoopa leaped back into his original spot.

"HAAAAA! JUTH KIDDING, THY FOOLITH FRIENDTH!" the Magikoopa yelled in an epic tone, expelling saliva like a human fire hose. "FIGHT TO THE DEATH WITH ME, YOU THALL! WIN YOU WILL NOT! PERITH YOU MOST THERTAINLY WILL!!"

--

**!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

Mario HP: 15 FP: 10

Goombella HP: 10

Koops HP: 10

VS.

Nerdy Star Wars-loving Magikoopa Teenager Who Talks Like a Loser Stuck in the Medieval Times HP: 7

"PREPARE TO DIE, YOU WILL!" shouted the nerdy Magikoopa.

Mario uses Jump. Does 1 damage.

Goombella uses Headbonk. Does 1 damage.

Magikoopa uses Magic Projectile. Does 4 damage to Mario.

Mario uses Hammer. Does 2 damage.

Koops uses Shell Toss. Does 2 damage.

Magikoopa uses Magic Projectile. Does 4 damage to Mario.

Mario uses a Bully Whistle. Bullies are immediately attracted to the battle stage by the high-decibel noise and beat the living snot out of the nerdy Magikoopa. Does 10 damage.

"Oooooh, my pooreth…cranium…eth…" whined the Magikoopa. "…Lost, I have!"

**!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

--

After the nerdy Magikoopa teen ran away with bullies on his tail, his pocket protector dropped off, and out of it scurried a strange little striped bug-like gray creature with a green bulb attached to its head. Before Mario and his two partners could react, the little thing ran into a room farther ahead of them. Naturally, they followed, and cornered the thing in the other room at a dead end.

"DON'T EAT ME!" screamed the creature, trembling and wetting itself at the sight of the plumber, the Goomba girl, and the shy Koopa. "I'll do whatever you want, I swear!...Except agree to get eaten, of course! DON'T EAT ME, OH GOSH, PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!"

"Now what made you think we'd eat you?" said Goombella, calmly walking up to the cowering little bug-like creature.

"Well, the presence of the fat dude, for one," the thing blurted out. "He looks like he'd have no problem eating a bus full of poor schoolchildren!"

Koops laughed hysterically at this comment, earning a punch in the face from Mario, who was clearly scowling.

"Wanna come up to my FACE and say that, you little regurgitated worm?" Mario said with a very dangerous tone of voice.

"No thank you, sir," said the creature. "Uh…still, would you happen to be a bully, by any chance? I don't wanna get captured and forced to live in a stinky pocket protector like I had to when that Magikoopa nerd found me."

"Um, well, I, ah…" Mario stuttered. He turned to Goombella and shrugged.

Goombella used Koops' hand to slap her forehead, and she snarled, "Just tell him you're not a bully, dummy!"

"Um, no," said Mario to the creature.

"Great," it said. "Allow me to introduce myself. My name's Punio of the Boggly Woods Punies, and I serve under the Elder of the Great Boggly Tree Thing!"

Mario, Koops, and even Goombella burst out in laughter, nearly putting themselves to tears.

"'PUNIES'?! THAT'S FRIGGIN' RICH!" Mario screamed between fits of laughter.

"HAHAHAHA, THAT'S SO CUTE! WHAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR RIVAL TRIBE? THE 'TUFFIS'?" Goombella howled.

"HAH, UM, YOU LOOK PRETTY, UM, PUNY, ALRIGHT!" Koops choked out while laughing himself stupid.

"It's not funny," Punio whined. The three heroes ignored him.

"HEY, YOU UGLY TWITS!" the Puni kid then screamed, his furious face growing to the size of a 747. "I JUST TOLD YOU THAT IT'S NOT FUNNY!"

Our heroes shut up immediately, looking rather scared.

Punio's face went back to normal. "Now then, do you need me for something really important?"

"Yes!" exclaimed Goombella. "If you're from the Boggly Woods, you can get us there in a flash, right?

"Righto," responded the Puni.

"You are aware that a legendary Crystal Star is in the midst of your habitat, right?"

"Righto again."

"Why are you even down here anyway instead of in the Boggly Woods where you should be?"

"Well…" Punio said, trailing off. "…It happened like this. Everyone at the Great Tree was having a nice day, you know? The sky was blank and gray as it always was, the scenery was still black-and-white like it had been forever, and the little Punies were all playing depressing little board games to entertain themselves. Then, _they_ came…"

"Who came?" Goombella inquired.

"_**They,**_" Punio whispered dangerously.

"Uh, right, and you need to specify what you're talking about," Goombella responded.

"_They _would happen to be the notorious X-NAUTS!" Punio shrieked with fear, as if he was under the suspicion that one of them was spying on him and the trio of heroes at that moment.

"X-Nauts? Uh…" Koops said. "Hmm…X-Nauts? Sounds like, uh, ex-wives to the not-extreme or something like that…"

"You got it completely wrong," Punio said, shaking his tiny head. "The X-Nauts are a huge band of renegades—"

"Ooh, they're a band? I've never heard of them before," Goombella squealed with joy. "Does the guitarist look cute?"

Punio rammed Goombella's leg in frustration. "They're a band of renegades from outer space that wear strange outfits who go around the world plundering areas for valuable items, such as the Crystal Stars!" the little creature yelled in annoyance. "I escaped from the Great Tree and left the Boggly Woods as quickly as possible after they invaded. Now everyone at the tree, including the Elder, my friends, and my sister, are locked in cages like guinea pigs! The X-Nauts are horrible people!"

"Any big purpose as to why they want the Crystal Stars?" Mario asked.

"The same reason you want them, I suppose," Punio said. "To open the mythical Thousand-Year Door. Pah! As if it even exists! They're wasting their time!"

Goombella said, "On the contrary—"

"Well, you guys wanted directions to Boggly Woods, right? Perhaps you could actually save us all…" Punio interrupted. "Come with me."

The puny little Puni that didn't act so puny ushered Mario and co. over to a crack in the wall by a doorway blocked off by metal bars. Our heroes knew exactly what to do, and turned to their sides to slip through the bars as Punio scurried through the crack. The next room, albeit looking a bit empty, was revealed to have a switch hidden in it when Punio went through another wall crack to flip a switch deep inside the wall.

Suddenly, as a result of the switch getting flipped, the room's front wall revealed a hidden passageway inside of it that led to a crumbled green pipe!

"I guess that's just what we needed!" Goombella cried joyfully.

"Just what we needed!" yelled Mario and Koops as backup vocalists.

The trio went over to the pipe and entered it with Punio. The atmosphere around them started to get black-and-white all around after a while, and they knew they had arrived.

--

**Boggly Woods**

Our heroes, plus one Puni, exited the pipe on its other end, staring out all around at the interesting, yet drab-feeling, gray-black-white colors that made up EVERYTHING in the woods.

"Well, we might as well get going," Koops suggested, surprisingly not stuttering at all in that statement.

And they did, of course. They did not even get five feet into the area when suddenly…

--

**!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

Mario HP: 15/15

Goombella HP: 10/10

Koops HP: 10/10

VS.

2 Pale Piranhas HP: 4/4 each

"Look at how pale those Piranha Plants are!" Goombella pointed out.

"Dude," muttered one of the plants in a monotonous, depressed voice, "we just don't like to go in the sunlight. Accept us for what we are, you stupid conformist."

Goombella uses Headbonk on Pale Piranha #1. Does 1 damage.

Mario uses Jump on Pale Piranha #1. Does 2 damage.

"Ow, you're making me hurt even more inside," the Pale Piranha muttered. "The angst is unbearable."

Mario hammers Pale Piranha #1. Does 2 damage. Pale Piranha #1 faints.

"Everyone always hurts me. They don't know me at all. No one understands the torture I must live through every day of my life," said the first Pale Piranha before disappearing.

Koops uses Shell Toss on Pale Piranha #2. Does 2 damage.

Mario hammers Pale Piranha #2. Does 2 damage. Pale Piranha #2 faints.

"Gee, the world must really hate me for not giving me a decent speaking role," said the second Pale Piranha when it fainted.

**!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

--

"Gosh, the people in this place are already dangerously depressing me!" Goombella said, shivering at the cold, emotional feeling the Pale Piranhas gave her.

"Ditto," agreed Koops.

"C'mon, let's go," Mario said hurriedly. "I don't want another Pale Piranha attacking us just to whine about how much his life sucks and how nobody understands him."

The three of them ran along the pathway with Punio into the next area of the bleak woods. Right on the side of the path, the three Shadow Sirens were talking to eachother…

"So, lovelies, shall we go through the plan one more time to ensure there are no screw-ups?" the lead Siren, Beldam, asked her sisters.

"Yes, sis!" Vivian exclaimed. "It's simple enough, anyway."

"IN-A-GADDA-DA-VIDA!" yelled Marilyn, beating her chest with her thick arms.

"Okay, if it sounds so easy to you, Viv, would you care to recite it?" Beldam said to her youngest sibling.

"Right!" Vivian said. "First, we buy tomato sauce and Italian noodles. Next, we find a great spaghetti recipe. Then—"

"WE ABORTED THAT PLAN, DOOFUS!" Beldam shrieked. "RECITE THE ONE WE DECIDED ON OR I'LL PUNISH YOU UNTIL THE DAY YOU GROW BREASTS!"

Vivian frowned. "I'm hundreds of years old, and I still haven't gotten 'em…" she whined.

Beldam smiled. "My point exactly," she said smugly, then cackled.

"Okay, ah, first, we examine the portrait of that Mario guy closely, right, sis?" Vivian said, a bit unsure of the new plan. Beldam nodded.

"Yes, go on."

"Next, we look for the Mario guy and his buddies, and we totally beat them up!"

"Correct."

"Then, we take the Crystal Star they've got while the X-Nauts rob that big tree of its own Crystal Star! Yaaaay, I got them all right!"

"Yes, yes you did, you little ugly thing…"

Vivian clapped for herself, but Beldam stopped her a few minutes later. Marilyn belched loudly, grabbed a nearby gray squirrel, and ate it.

"Right, so let's get to work! Get that portrait out, Vivian!" Beldam commanded.

But at the moment, the youngest Shadow Siren was not listening, and pulled out a cute pink pearl necklace from her nonexistent pocket. "Hey, guys, lookit what I found on the ground!" she squealed. "Isn't it the cutest little necklace you've ever seen?"

"Vivian, you BLOODY NINCOMPOOP!" howled Beldam. "Now is not the time for your dumb comments on worthless little items! We must be on the lookout for Mario!"

"Aw, sis…" Vivian muttered.

"Now, _where is the portrait of Mario?_" the eldest Siren snarled. "Do either of you buffoons have it? You had BETTER…"

"But, Beldam, didn't YOU have the picture when we came here?" Vivian inquired.

"Uh…NONSENSE! POPPYCOCK! BALDERDASH!!" said Beldam.

"Hee-hee, you're funny when you get angry and use big words," Vivian chuckled.

"Oh, SHUT UP!" Beldam yelled. "Give me that necklace. A Siren that irresponsibly drops an important picture like a worthless ditz cannot possibly be trusted with a wonderful article like that."

"But you just said it was—" Vivian began.

"_But you just said it was!_" Beldam cruelly mimicked. "I don't need your whining crap right now. We may as well try to memorize what the picture looked like at first. Did this Mario fellow have a mustache?..."

The oldest and youngest sisters began to bicker even more, with Beldam clearly having the upper hand, while Marilyn continued to occasionally belch and eat small animals.

"That was…ah…interesting…" mumbled Punio. "Let's get going, folks. Nothing to see here anymore."

Since the trio of sirens couldn't remember what Mario looked like, our mustachioed hero decided to have some fun with them and walked up to Beldam.

"Hmm? Hello, good sir," Beldam said kindly. "Do you happen to know where a fellow named Mario would be?"

"Uh…no, not at all, ma'am," Mario said, stifling his laughter. "Haven't seen anyone here named Mario. I apologize."

Beldam groaned. "Well, thanks anyway," she said.

Vivian continued to hang her head in shame and grumble while Marilyn made very loud armpit farts off in the distance to scare off some crows.

Our trio of heroes, along with Punio, went along the rest of their merry way, picking up some items along the path, until they reached the Great Boggly Tree.

--

**The Great Tree**

Mario and the gang now stood in front of Boggly Woods' massive Great Tree, absolutely awestruck at the size of the drab gray monument. The wind began to blow a little more noticeably, and the dark leaves all around the group rustled in a quiet chorus.

"Okay, here we are!" Punio said joyfully. "Now we gotta scurry up to the entrance and—EEEEEEEEEEK!"

The reason for the young Puni's abrupt yelling was known as soon as Mario, Goombella, and Koops set their eyes upon the entrance of the Tree…It had a red, extra-strength, button-operated security door built over it, presumably by an X-Naut.

Koops dropped to his knees and cried to the heavens, "This is it! I can't believe it! We're done for, guys! Uh…game over, dudes! GAME OVER!"

And so, to fit Koops' distress, Mario, his partners, Punio, and the universe around them was suddenly inhaled into a vacuum-like rift in the air, and the game was indeed over…FOREVER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay, just kidding.

"Crap, this is just perfect," Punio whined. "I broke my back going into Rogueport Sewers for help and coming right back here, and those buffoons build a stupid door thing over the entrance! We'll never save my sister or the other Punis!"

The frustrated Puni smacked his Puni face on one of the Great Tree's massive roots, crying his Puni eyes out. Mario and co. looked at one another, then sighed in unison and tried comforting Punio.

"Uh, relax, little dude," Koops said in a soothing, calm tone. "This may suck a lot, yeah, but, um, look on the bright side…"

"THAT'S IT!!" cried Punio, suddenly regaining a strong hint of happiness in his voice. "Koops, thanks for reminding me about something! Follow me, guys."

Mario and his two faithful partners did as Punio requested, and the four adventurers traveled up one of the largest roots of the tree to an area about ten feet right over the new security door entrance.

Punio explained to the heroes, "See, the elder of the Tree told me very long ago about a helpful secret entrance found right around this spot that could get somebody into the Great Tree's interior if anything happened to the main entrance. However, it's rarely used anymore, and to give it extra guaranteed protection from being discovered by intruders, some Punis put a sort of cover thingy over it. I'm not sure exactly what the thingy might be, but it certainly is tough to see! The elder also claims that with this new cover, only the wonderful Madame Flurrie, who resides in these very woods, can blow it away and reveal the entrance."

"Well then," Mario responded, "I appreciate the detailed explanation, but just where the heck DOES this Madame Fluffy broad live, anyway?"

Punio frowned (don't ask me how ;/) heavily at Mario, saying, "It's _Flurrie_. And besides, she lives a bit farther east from here. We gotta go and ask for her help as soon as possible, because we certainly won't find the alternate entry ourselves. I mean, sheesh, it's not like it'll be elaborately labeled 'SECRET ENTRANCE' or anything, eh?"

"Pretty difficult to argue with that logic," replied Goombella, nodding quietly. "Let's get going!"

With this, our party of four set out to find Madame Fanny—ah—Flurrie!

--

**Boggly Woods – Eastern Area**

Mario and co. were already making excellent traction to the border of the Eastern Boggly Woods now, and would have made even more progress had it not been for a gray-white Cleft creature charging at them as they entered a white field of grass!

--

**!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

Mario HP: 15/15 FP: 10/10

Goombella HP: 10/10

Koops HP: 10/10

VS.

Cleft HP: 2/2

Dark Puff #1 HP: 3/3

Dark Puff #2 HP: 3/3

"Grack," said the Cleft in a very monotonous and depressing tone, "I not understand why you trample on our grass. This only place where we let our tortured souls rest and contemplate the cruel world. Grack."

"Yeah, that's really not cool," moaned one of the Dark Puffs. "Our super indie grass field isn't open to conformists like you."

"Since when are grass fields 'indie'?" asked a very puzzled Punio. "Oh, whatever…LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!"

Mario hammers the Cleft. Does 0 damage!

"Whawhawhaaaa?" cried Mario in confusion.

The Cleft flatly replied, "Grack. That may not do any damage on outside, but my heart now aching with pain inside."

"The Cleft must have one high defense," muttered Goombella to Mario. "I'll handle the Dark Puffs, and you can power up your attacks on the Cleft."

"What about me?" Koops asked, eagerly expecting something to help them with.

"You can…uh…well…" stammered Goombella.

Koops frowned.

Goombella uses Headbonk on Dark Puff #1. Does 2 damage.

Cleft charges at Mario. Mario guards. Does 1 damage.

Dark Puff #1 swoops at Mario. Does 2 damage.

Dark Puff #2 swoops at Goombella. Does 2 damage.

Mario uses Power Smash on the Cleft. Does 2 damage. Cleft faints.

"Grack, life never fair," muttered the Cleft before fainting.

Goombella uses Headbonk on Dark Puff #1. Does 2 damage. Dark Puff #1 faints.

Dark Puff #2 charges up energy…and raises attack power by 2.

"I don't even wanna know what's going to happen now!" yelled Goombella, immediately going straight for the Dark Puff.

Goombella uses Headbonk on Dark Puff #2…but the electricity surrounding it does 1 damage to her! LIKE OMG!

Seeing Goombella getting damaged made Mario uneasy, and the Puff was nowhere near the ground for his Hammer attack, so he reluctantly defended for one turn.

Dark Puff #2 uses Super Mega Charged-Up Lightning Roast Attack! Does a whopping 4 damage to Goombella! Electric charge disappears.

Mario uses Jump on the Dark Puff. Does 2 damage.

Goombella attacks Dark Puff #2 as well with Headbonk. Does 2 damage. Dark Puff #2 faints.

"Just my luck…" complained the defeated cloud enemy. "Now our indie grass field of contemplationness is going to be taken over by colorful, obnoxious conformists!"

"Is 'contemplationness' even a word?!" Punio asked Goombella in frustration.

Goombella rolled her eyes, responding, "Don't be stupid, squirt."

**!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

--

Mario and co. now continued on through the brief field area, finding a pipe that led them to a Paper Mario Airplane platform high above the grass. Using it, Mario shifted his form into a neat little plane and guided the group across to the other side of the field, offering reasonably-priced salted peanut bags and an epic in-flight movie for the whopping ten seconds it took to complete this task! As the plane nose touched the ground, Mario shifted back, and the party quietly moved on to Madame Flurrie's neck of the woods…

--

**Madame Flurrie's House…OF HORRORS! HEHEHEHEHEE okay then…**

An old ghost woman and retired stage performer named "Madame" Flurrie was currently behind the closed doors of her small yet cozy dressing room in her sickeningly cute little house out on the edges of the Boggly Woods, conveniently blocking her out from our view!

For the past seventeen minutes, a heavily extended, operatic, and shriek-induced variation of Frank Sinatra's "My Way" had been belting from the cracks in the door, sung by Flurrie herself as she prepared to leave her room and house for some fresh, drab air out in the woods.

"My, oh my," Flurrie said in her rich, ringing tone of voice, "how wonderful it will be to set out into these dreary yet calming woods to clear my senses for the day! I certainly did make the correct choice in retiring to this beautiful place at the conclusion of my stage career…A need for alone time was calling me, and I conveniently answered. Better yet, now none of my most rabid fans can find and stalk me out here! And those darling Punis are ever so kind to me……"

And so, on and on she babbled about things that did not contribute to the plot at hand as she grabbed the doorknob. She was just about prepared to twist it open, when suddenly—

"Now to grab one more thi—what the…NO! OMIFRIGGINGOSH NO WAY!! MY PRECIOUS…MY FAVORITE…IT'S GONE!...MY—"

--

"…Prized toaster," Mario finished, concluding his account of an odd story involving him, Luigi, the princess' shoe, the cops, and a hot dog eating contest. The heroic plumber had been narrating this unnecessary story along the rest of the path to Flurrie's house, driving Goombella and his two other traveling partners to the brink of insanity. Fortunately, now that he was done talking, the group noticed a gray (DUH!) wooden pipe (with a small hole at the bottom for Punio) at the dead end of their pathway, leading to a colorful little house in the background.

"Finally," grumbled Punio, tired of Mario's story and relieved to discover Madame Flurrie's residence. In the blink of an eye, he scurried over to the hole in the pipe, actually ending up in the background in a matter of seconds!

"Whoa!" cried Goombella. "We can actually get to the background from this dumb pipe!? Bizarre, yet utterly fascinating…"

"MUST I tell you the two words I'm thinking of at the moment?!" Mario shouted back at the inquisitive Goomba gal as he swirled down the pipe with Koops. Unfortunately, the two of them somehow took an incorrect pathway during transportation through the pipe system, ending up in the foreground, and a little too close for comfort as a result.

And so, the Italian and the timid Koopa grudgingly tried, tried, and tried again, eventually reaching the background with Goombella and Punio. YAAAAAAY PERSEVERAAAAANCE!!

--

**Flurrie's House**

"Ah…hello?" Punio uncertainly called out in the entrance room of the wind spirit's house. "Madame Flurrie? Are you in here, or are you out sacrificing a goat with a birthmark shaped like the number 13 like you were that one time when I came over to ask for some Goomnuts?"

Flurrie then called out from her dressing room, "Oh, darling Punio, is that you? How I love the sound of your adorable little squishy voice when I'm in distress! You're so cute that I could actually squeeze you forever and ever with adoration to the point of your cute little intestines gradually oozing from your mouth!"

Punio backed away v e r y s l o w l y.

"So…anyway," Koops sputtered, "any chance, ah, that, um, you could, like, help us with some…some problem at the Great Tree, Miss Madame Funny Ma'am?"

"Well," Flurrie muttered, still cooped up in the other room, "it's Madame _Flurrie_, sweetums…And yes, I daresay I can assist you with whatever issues you have at the Great Tree. Only one problem, though…MY PRECIOUS! IT'S GOOOONE!"

"Your precious _what_?" Mario called out indignantly.

"Whozat!?" said Flurrie, now sounding quite surprised. "You! The one who just spoke! Your accent sounds so familiar to the one of the dashing young man in that Super Mario 64 game! Could you really be…_**Mario Mario, savior of the Mushroom Kingdom?!**_"

Mario, with a grim expression, clapped sarcastically, saying, "Bra-vo, Madame Fungi. I suppose you want a cookie?"

"No thank you, my dear Mario," Flurrie replied kindly. "All I am concerned about is…is…my PRECIOUS NECKLACE! WAAAAGHSDKFDKJFKAAAASLDKDKAAAAAAAA!!"

"_That's_ the precious you've lost?" Goombella asked. "A necklace?"

"Yes," answered Flurrie, now clearly weeping. "A yellowish one, to be rather specific. That wonderful necklace was one of my most prized possessions—everyone envied it! I've always vainly thought of it as the type that would be stolen out of jealousy by a medium-height shadow girl with a goofy red-and-white hat and no boobs! POOR ME! WAAAAH-HA-HAAAAA! Please help me, dear heroes!"

"Uh, sure, Madame," replied Punio, attempting a reassuring tone. "We'll work every step of the way to get your…er…precious necklace right back to you ASAP!"

Goombella and Koops looked uncertainly over at Mario, using their urgent faces to encourage Mario to help in looking for Flurrie's "precious".

"Alright, alright, fine," pouted Mario. "Better than me refusing to help and the three of you setting yourselves on fire in protest, I guess."

Flurrie cheered after hearing Mario's acceptance, then pleaded, "Please do find it quick! I can't stand another second kept in this room…"

The four adventurers went back out of the house. Despite their initial reluctance, they refilled their stats with a nearby Heart Block and immediately headed back for the entrance to the Boggly Woods after Goombella hinted that she recalled seeing the necklace somewhere before…

--

**Boggly Woods – Entrance**

"_See_, Beldam? I _told_ you I didn't have it," said a frustrated Vivian to the eldest Shadow Siren.

"Don't be a brainless nimrod," snarled Beldam right back. "You quite clearly snuck the portrait of Mario into my hammerspace pocket when I wasn't looking so you could FOOL me into thinking I had it all along! Be thankful you aren't getting a double dose of punishment for treason towards your siblings, worm!"

Marilyn quietly sneezed, then itched her stomach.

"But I—" began Vivian, only to be threatened with a quadruple dose of punishment—in this case, four hours of being strapped to a chair and forced to listen to a blaring Fall Out Boy CD on repeat. Vivian gasped at this threat, believing it to be one of the worst she ever received, and immediately went quiet.

Meanwhile, Mario, Goombella, Koops, and Punio arrived back near the entrance and the Sirens, puffing and wheezing after running all the way back so as to avoid any more battles with depressed enemies.

"Hmm?" Beldam sneered as she turned towards the heroes. "HEY! The hot mustached guy from earlier! It looks just like Mario on this portrait here…Kinda like one of those Elvis Goomley impersonators, don't you think?"

"In fact…yeah, he IS sort of like one of those!...Except he's impersonating _Mario_!" Vivian agreed.

"I've always wanted to meet an Elvis impersonator, but this is the next best thing," said Beldam, her smile mellowing out into a more happy and genuine grin.

"Let's ask this dude if he can emulate one of Mario's special moves!" Vivian gleefully suggested.

"Good idea," Beldam replied calmly. "And besides, speaking of Elvis, people claim he actually died while taking a crap, what with finding his body on a toilet and all. I've always personally thought that was a bunch of bull, but hey, that's just me…"

"Actually, there's quite a bit of scientific evidence uncovered through the past three decades suggesting that a bowel movement really DID claim his life, and that his death on the crapper wasn't just a coincidence," said Vivian.

"Really? Interesting," responded Beldam.

Throughout this conversation, Mario and co. simply sat and looked dumbfounded as to how the two Shadow Sirens could not recognize him as the true Mario, whereas Marilyn simply hopped up and down and screamed, "GUH!" to get their attention back towards him.

"Uh, HEEEELLOOO-OOOO?!" cried Mario in fury towards Beldam and Vivian. "Could you listen to your morbidly obese sister for once and realize that I really _am_ Mario?"

"Oh, yeah," Beldam simply replied. She then turned towards Vivian, pointing at her and shouting, "MARK MY WORDS, YOU **WILL** BE RECEIVING EVEN MORE PUNISHMENT FOR FOOLING ME LIKE THIS, ADDING ON TO YOUR PUNISHMENT FOR LOSING THAT PORTRAIT! SNIVELING LITTLE TRICKSTER!!"

"Oh, come ON!" whined Vivian, now on the brink of tears. "How did _I_ fool you in any way?!"

Beldam simply ignored her youngest sibling, turning back to our heroes and confidently saying, "Well, I suppose now is the time for us to dispose of you nicely. No hard feelings, though! I simply need to do my job here. There's no point in letting you go to hunt any further for the Crystal Stars."

"You're just about ready to destroy us, yet all you can say is, 'no hard feelings'?" responded a frustrated Goombella.

"Yep!" said Beldam happily, her wicked toothy smile returning. "Now…please allow us to introduce ourselves. We are women of wealth and taste! We've been around for a long, long year, and stole many a man's soul to fate! We were around when—"

"Um, I hate to sound like a jerk," interrupted Koops, "but can you just, er, stop quoting song lyrics and cut to the chase?"

"Right, right," said Beldam. "We are…"

"…The…" grunted Marilyn, who had been making a hamburger with a portable grill hidden under her hat.

"…_THREE SHADOW BEAUTIES_! Tee-hee!" Vivian finished.

"What the…" Beldam said in anger, turning to Vivian. "Shadow WHAT? We're the SHADOW _SIRENS_, dolt!"

Vivian frowned and responded, "But you always refer to us as 'lovelies' or 'beauties', so I figured…"

"_SO I FIGURED_!" mimicked Beldam in a squealing voice that could be likened to nails on glass. "Those are just figures of speech! I suppose Marilyn is cute, and you gotta admit, I'm friggin' HOT…but you…you're just BUTTPLUG-UGLY!"

Vivian kept frowning, then quietly said, "Alright, let's do this…"

--

**!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

Mario HP: 15/15 FP: 10/10

Goombella HP: 10/10

Koops HP: 10/10

VS.

Beldam HP: 9

Vivian HP: 10

Marilyn HP: 12

"Mwee hee hee hee…" giggled Beldam. "Now then, shall we get started?"

"Ready when you are, short stuff!" snapped Goombella.

"Oh wow, LOOK WHO'S TALKING!" Beldam replied.

Mario hammers Vivian. Does 2 damage.

"Say, Goombella, could you look up some info on these creeps?" Mario whispered to his Goomba pal after his attack.

"No problem-o," responded Goombella.

Goombella uses Tattle on Vivian.

"That's Vivian, Sherlock Holmes. She's the youngest of the three Shadow Sirens, and therefore isn't too much of a threat. Her attacks are quite weak, but fire-based, so be careful not to get burned! The other two Sirens are what you really ought to be worried about right now…Vivian's Max HP is 10, Attack is 1, Defense is 0."

"Mm hmm hmm hmmm…" chuckled Vivian shyly, disappearing into the ground and reappearing in front of Mario.

Vivian uses Shade Fist on Mario. Does 1 damage.

Marilyn uses…uh…"Guh" Fist on Goombella. Does 2 damage.

Beldam uses Ice Fist on Mario. Does 1 damage.

Mario uses Jump on Beldam. Does 2 damage.

Goombella uses Tattle on Beldam.

"It's Beldam, as if you couldn't already tell. While she's the oldest of the Shadow Sirens and her ice-powered attacks are to be feared at times, she has the least HP. Max HP is 9, Attack is 1, Defense is 0."

Vivian uses Fiery Jinx on Mario and Goombella. Does 1 damage to both. Mario and Goombella are burned!

"I must say, Vivian," commented Beldam, "you're not as weak as I thought against these brats!"

"Oh, really? You mean it, sis?" Vivian happily replied.

"No," the eldest Siren curtly said. "Now shut up and keep fighting."

Marilyn uses Guh Fist on Mario. Does 2 damage.

Beldam shrinks Goombella. Decreases Goombella's Attack power by 1.

"Dude, what the heck!?" cried Goombella, now possessing a very high Chipmunk-esque voice from her shrunken size.

Mario and Goombella are hurt by their burns. 1 damage is done to each.

Mario uses Power Smash on Vivian. Does 4 damage.

Goombella uses Tattle on Marilyn.

"That's the strong and silent Marilyn. The middle girl of the Shadow Sirens, and her size says a load about just how strong she is compared to her sisters! She rarely ever says anything, other than grunts and nonsensical phrases, but her attacks are nothing to be sneezed at. You should've headed for her first, Einstein! Max HP is 12, Attack is 2, Defense is 0."

"AH WANNA RIDE DA HAMBURGA TRAIN!" roared Marilyn in response.

Vivian uses Shade Fist on Goombella. Does 1 damage.

Marilyn uses Guh Fist on Mario. Does 2 damage.

Beldam uses Ice Fist on Goombella. Does 1 damage.

Mario and Goombella are hurt by their burns. 1 damage is done to each.

Mario uses Power Smash once again on Vivian. Does 4 damage.

Goombella uses Tasty Tonic. Both are cured of their burns.

Vivian uses Fiery Jinx on Mario and Goombella. Does 1 damage to both.

Marilyn uses Guh Power. Attack power for next attack is raised by 2.

Beldam increases her own size. Attack power is raised by 1 for the next three turns.

Mario hammers Vivian. Does 2 damage. Vivian faints.

"Whoops!" cried Vivian, stumbling over and lying sprawled on the battle floor.

"Urgh!" growled Beldam. "Just as I expected…hmph. WE'RE NOT DONE WITH YOU LITTLE WANNABE HEROES JUST YET!"

Koops uses Shell Toss on Marilyn. Does 2 damage.

Marilyn uses Guh Fist on Koops. Does 4 damage.

Beldam uses Ice Fist on Mario. Does 2 damage.

Mario uses a Super Shroom. HP raises from 5/15 to 15/15.

Koops uses Power Shell. Does 2 damage to Beldam and Marilyn.

Marilyn uses Guh Power. Raises power of next attack by 2.

Beldam uses Ice Fist on Koops. Does 2 damage.

Goombella returns to normal size.

Mario uses Special Ability: Earth Tremor on Marilyn and Beldam. Does 4 damage to each.

Koops uses Power Shell. Does 2 damage to Beldam and Marilyn. Beldam faints.

"EGAD!" croaked Beldam, falling to the ground and, quite literally, biting the dust. "It's all up to you, fatso—uh—Marilyn…"

Marilyn, angered that both her sisters were now defeated, turned to Mario and cried, "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!"

Mario raised an eyebrow.

Marilyn releases her charged Guh Zap attack. Does 4 damage to both Mario and Koops. Koops faints.

"Ah, crap, not again!" whined Koops.

Mario uses Jump on Marilyn. Does 1 damage.

Goombella uses Headbonk on Marilyn. Does 2 damage. Marilyn faints!

"Guuuu-uuuh-uhhhhhh……" groaned the largest Shadow Siren, swaying in the breeze for a moment before toppling over and crashing down onto Beldam.

**!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

--

"GRRRRH!" screamed Beldam from underneath Marilyn's unconscious body. "GRFT MUH UTTA HURR!"

Vivian gingerly got back up and pushed Marilyn off her oldest sister, and was immediately slapped on the wrist.

Beldam, who was now furious to the point of barely being able to speak, snarled, "You…had both…better be expecting…some…WORLD-CLASS FALL OUT BOY PUNISHMENT WHEN WE GET BACK HOME!!"

Beldam, without warning, then charged at her two youngest sisters, and the trio of Sirens fled the scene. Thankfully, Vivian dropped the necklace as she left!

**YOU GOT FLURRIE'S NECKLACE BACK! I CAN'T IMAGINE FOR THE LIFE OF ME WHY THE HECK YOU'D WANT IT, SO GIVE IT BACK ALREADY!!**

--

**Flurrie's House**

"Yo, Madame Feng-Shui!" Mario called out through Flurrie's house's main room. "We got the stupid necklace back! Are you going to help with our little tree problem or what?"

"Oh, thank you SO MUCH, dear!" Flurrie cried from behind the dressing room door, audibly crying tears of joy. "Just…slip it under the crack of this door or something. I don't need you darlings seeing me without the precious on my neck!"

Goombella snatched the necklace from the plumber and slipped it under the door as Flurrie instructed. After about ten minutes of waiting for Flurrie to violently wrangle the necklace onto her neck, she finally opened the door…

All of the adventurers looked on in anticipation.

"I really hope she's at least marginally hot…" Mario thought out loud.

"Perhaps she's slim and fair-haired?" pondered Goombella.

"This, er, better have been worth it…" mumbled Koops.

"I'm pretty hungry," Punio said, lacking any interest. "Lotsa spaghetti sounds good right about now."

Alas, the expectations of Mario, Goombella, and Koops were struck down as Flurrie finally entered the main room. She was, in fact, a fat lavender ghost woman with large pencil eyebrows, thick ruby-red lips, emerald earrings, ridiculous amounts of blue eye shadow, short purple hair, and breasts that were inappropriately large for an E-rated game. Several roses suddenly showered the screen as she entered, along with some bizarre disco ball dropping from the attic.

"Okay, I give, what's going on here?" Goombella asked, dumbfounded at the roses, the ball, and the Flurrie.

"Oh boy, um, oh boy!" cried Koops joyfully. "Perhaps we're on the Jamie Koopkennedy Experiment!!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!! WHY MUST I ALWAYS BE STUCK WITH THE UGLIEST PARTNERS IMAGINABLE!?" screamed Mario, stomping his foot like a preschooler crying for someone to tie their shoe. "WHY MUST FATE WORK IN SUCH CRUEL WAYS?"

"You all look so disappointed," Madame Flurrie remarked, frowning with surprise. "Whatever is the matter?"

"THIS IS SO GAY!!" Mario shrieked, simply ranting on and on at the top of his voice about how unfair his life was.

"Well, I do agree with you, Mario dear," agreed Flurrie. "Indeed, it is certainly a gay and joyful day whenever you are around! Also, I almost forgot to repay you for your wonderful deed…GIVE MAMA FLURRIE SOME SUGAR, CINNAMON BUNS!!"

Before Mario could react, Flurrie was on him like a wild animal, smooching every inch of his face until he could barely breathe. Koops, Goombella, and Punio were screaming in horror on the sidelines, mourning their inevitable loss of Mario to Flurrie's king-sized lips.

"Madame! Enough, enough!" shouted Punio, hopping furiously in one spot. Flurrie eventually stopped kissing Mario, and the hapless plumber wiped the saliva laboriously off his mug, looking like a volcano set to erupt.

"…" Goombella said in silence, nervous to even speak to Mario. "…Mario? Are…are you…y'know…okay?..."

Mario turned very slowly to Flurrie and his partners, wagging an intensely shaking finger at them all and furiously sputtering out, "**WHAT—HAPPENS—IN—BOGGLY—WOODS…**_**STAYS**_**—IN—BOGGLY—WOODS!**"

Flurrie calmly said, "Well, Mario, hun…Shall we get going to the Great Tree and see if I can solve this problem of yours?"

Mario, still too furious to even consider her offer, simply nodded for a split second.

**FLURRIE JOINED YOUR PARTY…DEAL WITH IT, BUCKO.**

--

**Flurrie's Abilities: A Primer**

**Madame Flurrie can do many amazing attacks, but conveniently, only two of them can be used in battle for now! Yippee!!**

**First, Flurrie can attack enemies in battles with Body Slam, in which she smashes into them using her…ah…stage presence………**

…

**Well, yeah, she just slams into them with her blubbery shaped mound of a body, okay?**

**Additionally, Flurrie can use the powerful Gale Force attack in battle and the overworld. In battle, if effective, it can blow some enemies away! In the overworld, however, it can be used to dizzy enemies and blow away invisible squares covering convenient places and items!**

**And, well, that's about it. You may actually learn to like her…**

**Maybe.**

**OTHERWORDLY TUTOR VOICE…OUT!**

--

Mario and co. trudged along back to the Great Boggly Tree, healing themselves and fighting some more enemies along the way.

--

**Outside the Great Tree**

And so, once back outside the Tree, Flurrie was immediately instructed by Goombella to follow Punio to where the secret entrance was hidden. Obediently doing so, Flurrie was quick to powerfully blow away the invisible paper-ish square covering…well…the secret entrance, of course.

Though the entrance was rather small, it was, contrary to Punio's thoughts, elaborately labeled, "SECRET ENTRANCE OVER HERE GUYS" in shiny, flashing-blue text, complete with an arrow pointing to the hole to match. That wasn't all, though—there was even a big, fancy sixty-person dance troupe hidden in the hole that leaped out and sang an epic Broadway-like musical number about this indeed being the secret entrance. As soon as the song concluded, the troupe disappeared without a trace.

Mario and co. looked awkwardly over at Punio, and the small Puni responded by angrily remarking, "Okay, OKAY! Maybe I was lying or something when I said it wasn't going to be labeled! Get off my case, jerks…SHEESH…"

"Well, Flurrie," said Mario to the ghostly wind spirit, "I suppose you're at least of SOME minimal use!"

--

**The Great Boggly Tree**

The group of five was very quick to enter the Great Tree and search for signs in the entrance room of any other free Punis that managed to hide from the X-Nauts guarding the place.

"Hellooooooo?" called out Punio, growing more and more nervous as he heard no other Punis around. "Is there anybody iiiiiiiin heeeeeeere? Just call out if you can hear meeeeeee…IS THERE AAAAAANYONE HO—"

"Please," snapped Mario, covering Punio's mouth. "Don't."

"Uh, Mario…" Koops said to the plumber hero, "…I think they heard us. They're coming."

"CRAP!" yelled out Goombella. "Everyone hide!"

Everyone did as instructed. Punio hid behind a rock, Goombella behind a Puni rock statue, Koops behind a small mountain made of rock, Flurrie behind a rock sculpture of a Baskin-Robbins, and Mario behind a pebble.

"You know what…" muttered Mario, gazing in deep thought at the perfectly rounded pebble. "This may, in fact, be the same pebble that Twink unintentionally beat Bowser with in the previous game…"

"HALT, MARIO!" screamed a common X-Naut soldier who had entered the room through another high-tech security door. "Us X-Nauts have a bone to pick with you! Heh heh heh…"

"That's right, hee-hee…" said another voice. That other voice, in fact, belonged to X-Naut commander Riley, who then came into the room through the same door as his cohort.

"Mario, as much of a darling as you are," said Flurrie, who came out from her hiding spot with the other partners, "you can be quite daft."

"Agreed," said Goombella, Koops, and Punio in flat unison.

"Let's fight!" snarled Riley, lunging with his associate X-Naut at Mario and co. without warning.

--

**!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

Mario HP: 15/15 FP: 15/15

Goombella HP: 10/10

Koops HP: 10/10

Flurrie HP: 15/15

VS.

X-Naut HP: 4

X-Naut Riley HP: 4

Mario uses Power Bounce on X-Naut. Does 3 damage.

Goombella uses Headbonk on X-Naut Riley. Does 2 damage.

X-Naut charges at Mario. Does 3 damage.

X-Naut Riley stomps on Goombella. Does 3 damage.

Mario hammers X-Naut. Does 2 damage. X-Naut faints.

Flurrie uses Body Slam on X-Naut Riley. Does 2 damage. X-Naut Riley faints.

**!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

--

The two beaten foot soldiers now lay limp on the ground, and as Mario and co. walked by them, Riley said, "Curse you, M-M-Mario!...I'll…get you…for th…is…ZZZZZZZZZZZZ……"

Just as the adventurers were ready to take a pipe out of the entrance room, several voices cried out for their attention. Mario looked in surprise over at several gigantic black-and-white pots lining the walls of the inside, noticing that ten Punis were hidden behind them. Their comments afterward came as a whirlwind of words to the partners.

"Whoa, awesome mustache…"

"Who the heck is that fat dude?"

"HE'S GONNA EAT US ALL! OH, THE HORROR!"

"Seriously, I've never seen such a burly mustache, you guys…"

"What a joke, no way this guy's gonna help!"

"But Pupeter, didn't you see how he whooped those bad guys??"

"I'd love to be able to hear myself think right now about whether or not this guy is suspicious, but you guys just happen to be _talking too much!_"

"Strange guy, but he looks tough…"

"Leave a review…"

"I feel like mushrooms right about now."

"…And I'd like extra pepperoni, Larry…Yeah, thanks…"

"TAXI! TAXI!"

"I'd really love to wear that awesomely burly mustache as a wig someday. Or wildly hump it. Whichever comes first."

The small handful of Punis all nervously trickled out from behind the giant pots, gathering around Mario and co. One in particular, a stubborn fat male with an orange bulb, unlike the common yellow bulb of the others, snorted at the plumber.

"Hah! Again, what a total joke this guy is!" scoffed the Puni. "You all so easily waltz right out here after he defeats a few common X-Naut foot soldiers and expect him to liberate you?! He's probably one of them. Him beating the troops may have just been a dirty setup!"

Mario whistled angrily at this statement, turning to the fat Puni and pointing his finger accusingly. "You!" he yelled. "Yeah, you, Mr. Big Conspiracy Theorist! Just what the heck makes you think I'm a bad guy? What bad guys in their right mind would actually stage a stupid battle for no reason?"

"Uh, DUH! To lure us out here into a false sense of security!" responded the Puni.

"_Please_, Puniper," Punio pleaded with the very same Puni, "don't start your conspiracy stuff with all this going on! Don't you know that too much is at stake to waste time opposing each other?"

"Punio!? HAH!" laughed Puniper. "You actually bothered to go out and get this guy for help while we stayed here in total fear? You shouldn't've wasted your valuable time like that, seeing as there are way more X-Nauts than there are plumbers, Goombas, Koopas, and big-boobed wind spirits in this tree!"

"Seriously, knock it off," Punio snapped. "Are you guys gonna help me in coming together to save the rest of the Punis and stop those goons, or what?"

"Oh, don't be so headstrong…" muttered Puniper. "Several folks through history have simply met their demise through the attitude you're portraying now, kiddo."

Punio looked back one last time at Puniper with fury, then scurried away from the silent Punis with Mario and the other partners.

After this bitter argument, the heroes went on battling any enemy that got in their way, until eventually, they reached a large room high up that contained two colored cages, each big enough to fit a swarm of Punis…

--

**Some hidden room that you really shouldn't have to know about just yet**

A common X-Naut soldier was whistling an obscure tune as he paced around a small room in the tree, impatiently waiting for the next soldier to come and take his place for the night shift. He had been guarding a couple of treasure chests within the room, one which he was especially instructed to never leave his view.

As he continued on with his boring line of pacing and watching, a small, round figure from the shadows with a tail ending in a heart shape leaped down from a wall and sprayed him with mace, which effectively knocked him out with no warning…

--

**The Great Tree – Holding Room**

Mario and co. popped right up from the warp pipe into a room with a red holding cell and a blue holding cell, quickly noticing that the blue cell housed the rest of the Tree's Puni inhabitants, whereas the red contained a shriveled old female Puni with a dim purple bulb. The blue cell quickly erupted into mixed talking and screaming as soon as the Punis all laid eyes on Mario and his partners, and it soon filled the entire room.

"CAN EVERYONE JUST_ BE QUIET!?_" shrieked the voice of the elderly female Puni from behind the red bars, immediately shutting everybody up.

"Finally!" spat the old Puni. "All the friggin' noise was doing nothing for my blood pressure…Anyway, who are you, sir?"

"Bill Koopsby," responded Mario, indignantly rolling his eyes. "I mean, who do you THINK I am, ma'am? Mario Mario's the name, savin' the Mushroom Kingdom and princesses is my game! Are you trying to tell me that you've never heard of me?!"

"Well, I'm certain the Punis of this tree know you," answered the old Puni. "As for me, I even forgot what a bar of soap looked like eight years ago."

Goombella sniffed the air in disgust, noticing a stench rising from the elder Puni's feet. "YEEEECCCCHHH!" snarled the Goomba girl. "Smells like a moldy biscuit dipped in dill pickle juice and thrown into a jar of Koop-Aid for three hours!!"

"Oh, so THAT'S what I've been cleaning my feet with the past eight years!" replied the old female. "Anyway, the name's Elder. The Elder of the Great Boggly Tree, to be quite exact! Who are you, buddy boy?"

"MARIO!" screamed Mario through a megaphone straight into the wrinkled face of the Elder.

"Ah, I see. Marty, eh?" said the Elder.

Mario simply did the same thing again.

"Oh, right, sorry! My bad!" the Elder replied, as if a sudden idea rushed to her brain. "Your name is Marty-_O_! Gotcha."

"Lady, are you intentionally trying to get me pissed off?" snapped Mario. "If so, you're breaking Luigi's record right about now."

"Luigi?" inquired the Elder. "That awesome green-capped Italian plumber dude with that haunted mansion game where he has to rescue his older brother that nobody cares about? We all LOVE that guy!"

Goombella held Mario back by the shirt with her fangs to prevent him from murderously lunging at the Elder.

"Elder, ma'am," Flurrie calmly said, "would you be so kind as to tell us what is going on in the Great Tree that is raising such a ruckus among you all?"

"Ah, Madame Flurrie!" the Elder said in surprise. "So nice to see you again. Well, it's good that you bring that subject up…See, it started like this…"

And so began an hour of rambling from the Elder, quickly putting everybody around her to sleep.

**Later…**

"…X-Nauts all around……Surrounded us……no hope…sight………Everything turning black…I felt…knocked out……then…woke up………And he said, 'I'll have the Double Shroomburger with a Super Soda,'………HEY!! YOU LISTENING, THERE?!"

The Elder's abrupt hollering startled Mario and co. out of their slumber, while Punio somehow still listened intently to everything the Elder said.

"Now, anyway, Punio," continued the Elder, her voice mellowing out, "I want you to free all the Punis from that cell over there first, then you can worry about me. Go! Your sister, Petuni, and all the others are counting on you!!"

"Big bro!" squealed a female voice from the blue cell. Punio rushed from the Elder over to the voice, taking no time to realize that it was indeed his baby sister, Petuni, who happened to be a spotted Puni with a pink bulb.

"Oh, Petuni, I'm awfully sorry about all this…" Punio said to his sibling in a sad tone of voice. "But don't you worry! And that goes for the rest of you guys, too—we'll knock these guys out and free you all, then we can take back our tree from the FORCEEEEEEES OF EEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIL!!"

Everyone, including Mario and co., stared at him blankly.

"What?" said Punio, slightly confused.

The heroes walked over to the smaller room to the left of the holding room, and immediately noticed none other than the master thief, Ms. Mowz, robbing an unconscious X-Naut of his wallet and some treasure chests of their rare badges.

"Whoops! Tee-hee, so sorry for not seeing you there, my wonderful hunk of mozzarella cheese with shavings of ricotta and generous sprinkles of cheddar and parmesan!" she said mischievously, scurrying over to Mario.

"'Sup, Ms. Slut?" Goombella muttered angrily.

"Hello once again, envious little vixen," Ms. Mowz happily replied.

"Uh…" Koops stuttered, unable to say anything in the mouse thief's presence.

Ms. Mowz looked all around at the suspicious faces of Mario, Goombella, Koops, Flurrie, and Punio, and confidently said, "Relax, dears. I'm not going to take everything in these treasure chests, just the badges I've been looking for. Have the rest to yourselves, for all I care!"

"Why?" Goombella irritably asked. "Too busy going back out to be a slut to bother cleaning this entire room out?"

Mario, annoyed by Goombella's strikingly obvious jealousy, commented, "Goombella, just shut up already…"

"Anyway, wonderful adventurers," Ms. Mowz said, "from what I have seen going on around the bowels of this tree, you won't be able to stop the X-Nauts alone. Perhaps those cute little Puni creatures can help you…"

Punio blushed.

"…Alas, even I don't know where the Crystal Star in this tree is hidden, but you're bound to find it in due time. Good luck, Mario, my dashing plate of cheese squares!"

And so, with a final peck on Mario's cheek, Ms. Mowz leaped out of the room and disappeared once again.

"AAAAACK!" screamed Goombella. "Mario, get that slut's saliva off your cheek! For all you know, it could be contagious! Sheesh, what a skank…"

"My, my…" muttered Flurrie, looking at the kiss mark on Mario's cheek. "You are quite the handsome player around these parts, aren't you, dear? Well, no need to worry; I'm not THAT jealous…" Flurrie then stole a scornful glance at Goombella.

"_WHAT_?" yelled the plucky female Goomba. "Just because I have enough sense to realize a slut when I see one, you all go to the lengths of criticizing me?!"

Goombella, noticing that the other partners were too busy emptying the other chests, simply sighed and joined them. Eventually, they all found a red key, which they joyously assumed was for the Elder's jail cell.

"And just what are YOU doing here?" snapped a new voice from behind them after they obtained the key. Mario turned around slowly to see that the unconscious X-Naut knocked out by Ms. Mowz had woken up, and was now staring furiously at them. "NO WAY are you going to take that key without my consent! Crump would kill me for that! Let's go, fat boy!"

--

**!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

Mario HP: 15/15 FP: 15/15

Goombella HP: 10/10

Koops HP: 10/10

Flurrie HP: 15/15

VS.

X-Naut HP: 4

Mario hammers the X-Naut. Does 2 damage.

Koops uses Shell Toss on the X-Naut. Does 2 damage. X-Naut faints.

**!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

--

"WAAAAAAAAAAH! I'M OUTTA HERE!" cried the soldier, running like crazy for the room's exit, then accidentally crashing through the holding room's wall and plunging to the tree's base down below.

Mario said, "Yeesh! That's gonna leave a mark…"

"A really, really, REALLY big mark!" commented Goombella as the group of five returned to the holding cells.

Punio was quick to take the key, and, as expected, he was able to unlock the Elder's door with it. The Elder, seeing that she had been freed, turned to Punio very, very slowly…and roared, "**STUPID FREAKING IDIOT!!**" Her size multiplied by about twenty as she said this, startling Punio and the others half to death.

"What's the matter, Elder?" inquired Punio.

"Friggin' senile old crab…" snapped Mario, rubbing his ears in pain.

"Didn't I TELL you to free the OTHER Punis FIRST!?" yelled the angry old Puni.

"YES you DID, but we got the KEY to YOUR cell FIRST!" replied Punio.

The Elder simply said, "Oh."

"'Oh' what?"

"Oh, so that's the case. I see. Jolly good work then, Punio. Carry on with finding the blue cell key, and I'll wait downstairs for you guys."

With that, the Elder left her wide-open cell and entered the hole at the bottom of the room's warp pipe. Punio, dumbfounded, followed her, with our four heroes tagging along.

--

**The Great Tree – Entrance**

"So, Punio," Puniper said in his usual obnoxious tone, "you may have gotten the Elder back, but what of the other Punis and your sister? Pah, I knew you were going to be useless in solving this problem of ours!"

The Elder turned very slowly towards Puniper and the other nine Punis, and Punio already knew what was coming. He and the four adventurers immediately covered their ears as the Elder screamed, "CARELESS FOOL!"

Puniper, literally blown away by the old Puni's outburst, got back on his feet and sputtered, "But…uh…But, great Elder…he…"

"Still your tongue, Puniper," commanded the Elder. "Why must you always act as some sort of devil's advocate during these tough times? If we ALL work together, INCLUDING you, we can certainly save ourselves from these Ax-Gnaw fiends. If Punis like you, however, refuse to cooperate, you can kiss your life of freedom goodbye."

Puniper, too nervous to think of a smart-aleck response to this, finally agreed with reluctance to assist Punio and Mario. The nine other Punis with him followed suit, and the Elder permitted them to help Mario and co.

"Now, you all go ahead and find the blue key in this tree to save the others!" said the Elder. "I'll be here if you have any burning questions, or if you happen to lose some Punis and you need all of them called back into one spot."

**TEN PUNIS JOINED YOUR PARTY! HEAVEN KNOWS HOW YOU'LL FIT 'EM ALL IN YOUR POCKET!**

"Oh, and one more thing!" the Elder called out to Mario before the party left the entrance room. "Marty-o, I need you to use this…"

**MARIO GOT THE PUNI ORB! IDEAL FOR GATHERING THE PUNIS IN ONE TIGHT SPOT TOGETHER!**

"You see, Marty-o," the Elder began to explain, "this Puni Orb has been passed down from generation to generation of Great Boggly Tree Elders, and has always been used to place into pedestals around the Tree to get a group of Punis to swarm around it and typically activate switches requiring their combined weight. Just…remember to remove the orb from the pedestal it's in after a while, otherwise…uh…every Puni with you will just sorta stay in that spot and gaze obsessively at it."

Mario and co. indicated that they understood these instructions, and then left the room for the higher levels of the tree.

Long and hard the group traversed, picking the usual fights with enemies, placing the Puni Orb in front of elevator switches for the Punis to rabidly swarm over in order to progress further, and going through several pipes, until eventually, they found the room with the Blue Key!! They quickly grabbed it out of the chest it was placed in, and immediately backtracked for the holding room.

--

**The Great Tree – Holding Room**

"This sucks so much…" whined Punaul, another one of the Punis imprisoned in the blue holding cell. "Is anybody even gonna bother helping us out, or are Petuni's brother and his friends going to be gone forever?!"

"Relax," said Petuni, though her own voice was beginning to quaver. "I'm…uh…certain Punio will be back in no time. Look, I even have a gift for him…"

Petuni then pulled an ancient, dried Mushroom from her hammerspace pocket and showed it to the other 89 Punis in the cell.

"Uh, what the heck happened to it?" inquired a different Puni, Punica.

Petuni looked at the Dried Shroom again, then replied, "Well, yeah, it looks a bit icky, but I've been saving it for him the past few months, and I figured now was the perfect time to reward him with it!"

The rest of the imprisoned Punis looked apprehensively at the unappetizing food.

"Yo, guys, we're back!" called out the familiar voice of Goombella out of nowhere. The Punis then climbed over each other in fury to try and get a view of the partners from the front of the cell.

Mario confidently pulled out the Blue Key and gingerly unlocked the cell. All 90 of the Punis within immediately ran out, flattening Mario and co. in the process.

"Punio! Punio! Punio! Punio! Punio! So good to be out of there!" cried Petuni happily.

"Thanks for being patient, you guys," Punio said, grateful for all the Punis smiling at him. "And, Petuni…"

"Oh, by the way, brother," Petuni said nervously, "I have something for you…"

She then pulled a mysterious article out of her pocket and gave it to Punio. The Puni boy cheered ecstatically upon seeing what it was.

"YEEEEEEEES!" he yelled in triumph. "The Star Wars Christmas Special!! I've been looking EVERYWHERE for a copy of this! Thank you so much, sis!"

"And there's something else…" Petuni said, giving him the Dried Shroom. Punio looked at it with uncertainty.

"Uh…thank you, I guess," he said in a confused tone. He then began wolfing it down, just to get it over with. Petuni and the other Punis looked on.

"_Yechhh…Ugh…"_

_"Oh man, that's nasty…"_

_"Urghhh, I don't feel very good…"_

_"…URP!"_

Without warning, Punio stopped whispering, and abruptly vomited violently all over Petuni. She was now coated in his puke, and she looked absolutely disgusted. However, she soon smiled again and scurried to her big brother, hugging him tightly.

"Good to have you back, Petuni!" Punio stammered, still spitting out small gobs of barf.

"Now then…" said Punica. "I do believe that we're indeed in the debt of the plumber dude and his friends for liberating us all, so I say we all join him to stop these X-Naut freaks!"

Everyone in the room cheered, and the rest of the freed Punis did as Punica suggested.

**90 MORE PUNIS JOINED YOUR PARTY! HAVE FUN TRYING TO FIND A PLACE FOR THEM AT A SLEEPOVER, CHUMP!**

The group of 105 wasted no time in running for the holding room exit, and continued their seemingly never-ending trek through the Great Tree. They backtracked through the usual pathways, gradually making their way back to a room they previously went through. In this area, the group noticed a large hive-like area populated by the rival species of the Punis in the tree—the Jabbies. Punio gulped fearfully when he and the others realized that an effort would have to be made to fight off the Jabbies in this hive in order to progress towards the Crystal Star.

After notifying the other 100 Punis of his plan to ambush the Jabbi squadron, Punio stood firmly beside Puniper as the large Puni addressed the small army.

"Listen up, you snot-nosed little girls!" snarled Puniper, trying his best to emulate the speech of a hoarse old G.I. "We are going to waste no time in taking down those dirty Jabbi commies within their own filthy hive walls, got it?! Yesterday, you were all little ninny-foot Punis, but you are now today's ruthless, bloodthirsty killers!! Don't lemme catch ANY of you messing around on the job, or God forbid, I _will_ send you home cryin' to your Puni mamas on the double! LET'S MOOOOOOOOOOOOVE OUT!"

The rest of the Punies, though shocked at Puniper's behavior, obediently marched into the room housing the Tree's 100-man Jabbi squadron, barking a popular Puni army ditty…

"I DUNNO WHAT I'VE BEEN TOLD!"

"_I DUNNO WHAT I'VE BEEN TOLD!_"

"JABBI UNDERWEAR IS PINK AND OLD!"

"_JABBI UNDERWEAR IS PINK AND OLD!_"

"MAMA SAID GO SAVE THE DAY!"

"_MAMA SAID GO SAVE THE DAY!_"

"WE'LL FIGHT THOSE BIG FIENDS A-OK!"

"_WE'LL FIGHT THOSE BIG FIENDS A-OK!_"

"SOUND OFF—"

"_ONE, TWO!_"

"SOUND OFF—"

"_THREE, FOUR!_"

After stupidly marching in place through the whole song, Mario and co., with the Punies, rushed into the Jabbi hive, and effectively got their butts handed to them in four seconds flat.

**One hour of injuries, crying, pep talks, and sentimental encouragement later…**

Puniper, after gathering up the army of bloody and bruised Punies again, screamed out, "Okay, ladies, this is our final shot! No dilly-dallyin' this time!"

The Punies hollered a united war cry, scattering back into the Jabbi room. With the help of Mario and his partners, they successfully tore apart every last Jabbi in the 100-member battle group (whether I meant literally or figuratively is UP TO YOU! GAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA alright then…).

Punio, Puniper, and some random Puni nobody cares about ran into the top-secret Jabbi hive fortress after all the carnage, destroying it inch by inch from the interior until it all crumbled away, revealing a convenient hole in the wall for the massive group to walk through.

After a couple more rooms not worth describing whatsoever, the party of 105 came to an inexplicable dead end, in a small room containing a single Puni pedestal and a switch requiring 101 Punies. Mario obviously knew what to do, so he placed the Puni Orb in the pedestal. As was usual with this practice, the 101 Punies trampled him and the three partners, crowding over the pedestal and screaming in unison, "OMFG LIKE OMG SHINY PUNI ORB OMFG!!"

With this, every last Puni had gathered on the switch, immediately triggering it to go off…and drop a huge holding cell on everybody! DUUUUUN DUUUUUUUUUUUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

"What the…?!" cried Goombella. "HEY! WHOEVER THOUGHT OF THIS AS SOME SICK JOKE…GET US OUTTA HERE!"

"Buh!" someone from the previous room laughed. "Buh-huh-huh!"

"Eh?" inquired Mario. "Only one dastardly villain I know can buh as buh-like as this buh-ing coward can buh!"

"That's right, plumber boy," sneered none other than Lord Crump, tiptoeing into the dead-end room and evilly snickering. "Tee-hee! You completely fell for my trap! My helpful lowly associates and our Jabbi allies reported to me that you fools were going around throwing some dumb orb into random pedestals so that all of these little Pikmin-like thingies would crowd over a switch and trigger something helpful! Well, needless to say, I decided to totally pull an M. Night Shyamalakitudon and create this dummy pedestal…WITH A TWIST! See, instead of helping you, it so totally stopped you all in your tracks!"

"You fiend!" bellowed Koops.

"Yeah, ain't I?" Crump said in a deceptively sugary voice. "It really gives me a warm fuzzy in my happy place to see you all come so far in this quest…and yet fall so stupidly for a common trick! I'm gonna get the Great Tree's Crystal Staaa-ar! Na-na-na-boo-boo! And with that, POW, I'm gone!"

And with that, indeed, Crump walked over to the cell, farted through the bars in Mario's face, and took off.

"CRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMP!!" screamed Goombella.

Flurrie, now looking quite depressed, said, "Well, dears, I do believe we've come to our final chapter. Never will these Punies run through the Boggly fields carefree again! Never will I grace the stage with my blubbery presence! Never again shall sweet Mario spend 'quality time' with Princess Pe—"

Mario, after fanning the putrid scent away from his face over to Punio's, slapped Flurrie repeatedly, yelling, "Pull yourself together, Madame Furry! With that attitude, of COURSE we'll never make it through these obstacles! So, for the sake of all of us in this cell, KINDLY GROW A PAIR AND STOP YOUR BLUBBERING!! After all, Crump was apparently too thick to know that we can do THIS…"

Without warning, Mario grabbed all three of his partners, and they used their first "curse" to turn to the side and become paper-thin, gaining the ability to walk through the bars of the cell without a scratch!

"Phew, uh, that's a relief!" said Koops, happily wiping some sweat off his brow. "Now let's go get that X-Nutjob!" Mario, Goombella, and Flurrie nodded in agreement, taking off down a pipe that appeared next to the holding cell.

"Oh, geez, they abandoned us AGAIN?" complained Pupeter. "Now we're all stuck in a cell for an indefinite amount of time. For Pete's sake…anyone got a deck of cards or a joke book handy? No blackjack, though, 'cause I'm well aware that Punio always cheats at that game…"

"HEY!!"

--

**The Great Tree – Some other room**

Mario and co. quickly noticed that the room they landed in looked rather similar to one they came across before, considering that at the front of it, four statues of a sun, a moon, a Puni, and a star, in that order from left to right, stood.

"The arrangement of these four symbols reminds of something I've seen before…" murmured Goombella, using Mario's left hand to stroke her chin in deep thought.

Just then, Koops had an unprecedented flashback to Frankly's house, when the professor informed them that the second Crystal Star was in the Boggly Woods. At the time, Koops had been staring up at his bookcase, noticing four small trinkets in the order of…_**sun, moon, Puni, star**_!

"That's it!" the Koopa exclaimed. "We've seen this arrangement in Frankly's place before! If we hit the switch here and backtrack to that other room similar to this one, we could memorize this arrangement and find a way to save the Punies!"

"Not a single stutter in there?" Goombella said in disbelief.

"Well, hey," responded Koops, "I tend to refrain from that when I feel all smart and tingly inside. Let's go!"

Mario jumped on the "!" switch in the room, and a massive rumbling that penetrated every inch of the Great Tree followed. Mario and co. then went back to a previous room, as Koops instructed.

--

**The Great Tree – "That other room that looked a lot like that one room we were just in!"**

The heroes noticed that in this identical room, four switches were now in front of the four panels with the sun, moon, Puni, and star symbols on each one. Mario did not hesitate in jumping on each until the exact same order was achieved with the panels, and yet another rumbling, along with a booming voice yelling, "OOOOOHHHHHHH, YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH! THAT'S THE STUFF!" penetrated the atmosphere.

Goombella, standing in abrupt silence, whispered, "Did the Great Tree just—"

Mario, not wanting to hear her theory, hurriedly covered her mouth and walked into the new passage formed in the back wall of the room. He whistled in awe at the huge treasure chest within, and quietly opened it……

**YOU GOT A SUPER BOOTS!! MAKE DO WITH A SUPER BOOTS AND BREAK DOWN OF THE BOARDED-UP PANELS IN THE FLOOR, YES?**

"…What the heck?" said Mario in confusion. The space around him and the partners then disappeared and was replaced by a plain dotted background.

"ACK! PURGATORY!" screamed Goombella.

"Like, what're you talking about, girl?" said a high-pitched Toad girl from the other side of the screen.

"…Uh…" Mario stuttered with a lack of certainty. "…What's going on here? I get a Super Boots, but instead of walk out the room, I find female Toad of the annoyingness, no? LET OUT OF ME HERE, FINK RATS!"

"Chill, Mario!" said the Toad girl with reassurance. "My name's Toadette! We've met before!"

"Oh, _yeah_!" replied Mario, snapping his fingers as his memory jogged. "We spent some 'quality time' with eachother that one time before Super Mario RPG! Sheesh, I never saw Toad so angry until then…"

Toadette, nervous at hearing Mario's recount of this in front of the partners, cleared her throat loudly, then joyfully said, "Well, today I'm going to teach you how to use _the_ Super Boots! It's quite simple, really…First, you jump normally into the air."

Mario did so, and as he reached the peak of his jump, he was eerily held there by some ghastly force.

"Now, after jumping, press the A Button again so as to execute a Ground Pound attack."

Mario obeyed the directions given, and successfully spun in the air, then slammed back onto the ground with the rock-hard seat of his overalls.

"Excellent!" cried Toadette, clapping with approval and blushing. "And check this out, too…" The Toad girl waved up at the top of the screen, leading an example of a boarded-up panel in the floor to fall between her and Mario.

"I'm assuming my new ability can destroy these things and open up new pathways?" guessed Mario.

"Got it, cute buns!" Toadette responded, sensually winking at him.

"Cool…" commented Koops.

"Well," said Toadette, "that's all the time I have for you guys now! Good luck with your adventure, and I'll see you again! I'll especially look forward to another encounter with _you_, Mario! Toodles, sweet-stache!"

With one last leap and bound, Toadette was off, and the adventurers returned to the room of sun, moon, Puni, and star panels in the Great Tree.

"Getting these Super Boots was great and all," said Goombella, "but…how will we save the Punies?"

Mario, remembering a small boarded-up panel within the holding cell, gave a small grin.

--

**The Great Tree – That one second-to-last room with the holding cell**

"…Ugh, go fish!"

"You lose, Pupeter!" Punio said triumphantly after beating the other hapless Puni in their fifth consecutive game of Go Fish.

"Don't get smug with me!" snapped Pupeter. "You just cheat at THIS game, too!"

The two Punies then argued endlessly until Mario and co. returned to the room and slipped back through the bars, ground-pounding the floor panel within the space trapped by the cell.

"Whoa!" yelled Puniper. "Nice job, Mr. Mario! So we escape through this dingy little hole you've made or somethin'?"

"We have a winner, folks!" said Goombella as she pushed Puniper through the hole in the floor. He fell down screaming all the way, but eventually hit the ground below, fortunately signaling the presence of another room.

"Ooooh, a coin!" Puniper called out back up to the holding cell.

Every other Puni cramped in the cell was blown through the hole without warning by Flurrie until every last one of them, along with Mario and co., landing on one another in a room with another pedestal and switch.

The group, gingerly placing the Puni Orb on this next pedestal, nervously watched the Punies gather on the switch and stare obsessively at the orb, wondering what would happen now.

Sadly, yet another holding cell, this time with solid walls rather than bars, landed around the space between our 105 adventurers, efficiently ending their lives and their laborious adventure. With each and every one of them out of the way, the X-Nauts had no trouble in finding the Boggly Tree's Crystal Star. After that, they uncovered the corpse of Mario underneath this second booby-trap cell and took the Crystal Star he possessed. The X-Nauts then found the next four Crystal Stars and controlled them for the rest of eternity. Peach became Sir Grodus' unwilling lap dog until she was old and gray, and the Shadow Sirens all married three-armed Elvis clones and took over the world.

**The End.**

And now, here's a wall of sad smilies to mirror your disappointment.

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

--

But, okay, in all seriousness…

This final Puni switch then acted as an elevator, lowering Mario, the partners, and the 101 Punies with them down into the very base of the Great Boggly Tree. The room was massive compared to the others, and was bordered by the same giant black-and-white pots strewn around the entrance and various areas. What really caught the attention of Mario and co., however, was the Emerald Crystal Star, hovering above a stump in the front of the base room…

…Which was then snatched by Lord Crump, who had busted through the wall at the very last second!!

"BUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-**HAH!**" laughed the X-Naut captain, teasingly waving the Crystal Star in the air. "Check it out, chumps! I've got the Crystal Star!"

"Hand it over, you evil buffoon!" Petuni shouted at Crump, who was now putting his head between his legs, laughing, and rubbing his butt with the mythical object.

"NEEEEVEEEEER!" the foul villain shouted right back. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a grumpy boss to impress with this beauty! Perhaps to permanently wipe you off my slate of troubles, I may as well BURY YOU ALL IN THE RUBBLE OF THIS 'GREAT' TREE!! BUH-HUH-HYUCK!" Crump pulled a remote time-bomb detonator out of his pocket and wasted no time in pressing the big red button. A timer starting at 300 seconds appeared; Crump glanced over at it, cackled, and ran off for the Tree's exit.

"OMIGOSH! Not cool!" screamed Goombella. "NOTCOOLATALLOMIGOSHWE'REALLGOINGTODIEOHNOOOOOOOO!"

Mario used his furious slapping technique once again, this time on his Goomba ally. "Get a hold of yourself! We'll make it out of this alive, but not if we stay here and sniffle overdramatically about our demise. Now MOVE OUT, PRONTO!"

The Punies, the partners, and the plumber then pressed on! Braving the 280 seconds left on the timer, they fearlessly bounded like little sissy girls through every last room of the Great Tree! Oh, the obstacles they overcame! Oh, the enemies they squealed at and ran away from! Avoiding challenges along the way such as X-Naut troops, joy buzzers, Goombella's reckless fearful screaming, Piders, Jabbies, rolling boulders, cosplayers, Insurance Salesman Goombas, the Loch Ness Monster, and telemarketers, they finally braved the entire Great Tree up to the second-to-last room, with 90 seconds to spare on the timer.

"Oh, crap!" yelled Crump, who was at the room's other end, frantically unlocking the high-tech security door to the entrance. He sent two X-Naut guards to fight off our heroes, and a quick clash began.

--

**!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

Mario HP: 15/15 FP: 15/15

Goombella HP: 10/10

Koops HP: 10/10

Flurrie HP: 15/15

VS.

X-Naut #1 HP: 4

X-Naut #2 HP: 4

Mario uses Jump on X-Naut #1. Does 4 damage. X-Naut #1 faints.

Flurrie uses Body Slam on X-Naut #2. Does 2 damage.

X-Naut #2 charges at Mario. Does 2 damage.

Mario hammers X-Naut #2. Does 2 damage. X-Naut #2 faints.

**!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

--

Mario and co. charged through the last security door, surprisingly busting it off its hinges, and stopped in the middle of the entrance room as they noticed Crump being blocked off by the Elder.

"For the last time, you incessant old buzzard," snarled Crump, "MOVE IT!"

The Elder began breakdancing for a few seconds, and then abruptly stopped.

"…What the hell?" muttered Crump. "Seriously, scoot over so I can get out of this crappy tree! I got me a Crystal Star to bring home to ol' Grodie!"

"I'm simply moving it, as you've told me to a hundred times already!" snapped the Elder. "I won't LITERALLY move it until you give up that Star, fiend!"

Crump snorted. "Oh, please. I'm not going to listen to you. Let me through to the exit, and perhaps I'll reconsider on blowing this crudhole up!"

"I'll do no such thing!" responded the Elder, puffing up to twenty times her size and startling Crump. "If I have to, I'll fight you off MYSELF! **SUPER ELDER POWERS ACTIVATE!!**"

Crump fell silent and backed away a few inches. "Whoa there, Grandma, what's the deal?" he asked, baffled at what she had just said. "Are all of your senses going out on you at once, or what?"

Just as the Elder was ready to charge at the X-Naut, she stumbled, and a cracking sound was heard. "Oh, son of…" she began to moan. "…PERFECT DAY FOR MY BACK TO ACT UP! Curse you, old age…"

Crump was now in stitches, laughing himself hoarse at the unfortunate Elder. However, he was abruptly halted in doing so when he turned around and set his eyes on Mario, Goombella, Flurrie, Koops, and the entire Puni army. 105 pairs of eyes glared right back at him.

"Uh…POW! I'm of—" he began to shout nervously, only to run backward and trip over the Elder, causing her to screech in pain.

Mario and co. inched further and further towards Crump.

"Oh, forget it," said Crump, turning off the time-bomb detonator, which thankfully had only seven seconds remaining. "I don't need a stupid bomb to finish any of you off. What a sleazy last resort that was! I can shred you all with good old physical combat, anyway…"

And with that, POW! Crump whistled, which then summoned a giant robot to the entrance room. The contraption looked like a fighting machine of sorts, with the main body resembling a pink tissue box containing an "X" on the front, along with long metal arms ending in formidable punching fists, and long, agile, flexible legs. Crump hopped into the domed control area at the top of the robot and turned it toward our heroes.

"Ah, what a pathetic day to be you twerps!" yelled Crump through a megaphone embedded in the robot's system. "Beg for mercy as you say hello tooooooo……THE GREAT _**MAGNUS VON GRAPPLE!!**_"

Mario, Goombella, Koops, and Flurrie all straightened up and got into their battle poses. The fight for the second Crystal Star had begun.

--

**!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

Mario HP: 15/15 FP: 15/15

Goombella HP: 10/10

Koops HP: 10/10  
Flurrie HP: 15/15

VS.

Magnus von Grapple HP: 30

"Get ready to feel the pain!" Crump said, laughing like a maniac. "Unfortunately for you losers, this baby ain't packed with tissues, so it won't do you any good for your little weeping session after you totally get pulverized!! Buh-huh!"

Mario uses Jump on Magnus von Grapple. Does 4 damage.

Goombella uses Headbonk on Magnus von Grapple. Does 2 damage.

"Hmm?!" grunted Crump. "I'm not going down that easily, kiddies...**MAGNUS VON PUNISH!!**"

MvG stomps Mario. Does 2 damage.

Mario uses Power Smash on MvG. Does 4 damage.

Goombella uses Headbonk on MvG. Does 1 damage.

MvG triggers an earthquake. Does 2 damage to both Mario and Goombella.

Mario uses a Fire Flower on MvG. Does 3 damage.

Koops uses Shell Toss on MvG. Does 2 damage.

Magnus was now down to half its original HP, and Crump was silently stringing together several profanities under his breath in frustration. "Okay, playtime's over, worms! Wait'll you see this…"

MvG detaches its two fists. The fists become hovering missiles.

Magnus von Grapple HP: 14

X-Fist #1 HP: 2

X-Fist #2 HP: 2

"Those fists look really suspicious…" mumbled Goombella. "You think we oughta take 'em out before heading for Magnus again?"

"Nonsense," snapped Mario. "They're just minor distractions. I mean, what damage could they really deal?!"

Flurrie uses Body Slam on X-Fist #1. Does 2 damage. X-Fist #1 explodes.

Mario hammers MvG. Does 2 damage.

"YOU ASKED FOR IT!" cried Crump. "AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLLLLLLE-MEN, HERE IT IS!"

X-Fist #2 charges at Mario and explodes. Does 4 damage.

MvG regains two new fists.

"Oh, crap!" cried Mario, now also down to less than half his starting HP.

Flurrie uses Body Slam on MvG. Does 2 damage.

Mario uses Special Ability Earth Tremor. Does 5 damage to MvG.

"Okay, I'm pullin' out all the stops!" Crump yelled out to our heroes.

MvG creates an even more powerful earthquake. Does 4 damage to all 4 party members.

Mario HP: 3/15 FP: 13/15

Goombella HP: 4/10

Koops HP: 6/10

Flurrie HP: 11/15

Magnus von Grapple HP: 5/30

Mario uses Jump on MvG. Does 2 damage.

Flurrie uses Body Slam on MvG. Does 2 damage.

MvG detaches X-Fists again.

Mario, realizing that one more blast from an X-Fist would finish him, cried, "NOT SO FAST, CREEP!"

Mario uses Thunder Rage. Does 5 damage to both X-Fists and MvG. X-Fists explode, and Magnus von Grapple faints!

"No! Impossible!" whined Crump, slamming his head repeatedly on the dome of the robot as it crumbled to pieces.

**!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

--

Crump lazily shoved his way out of the debris that was once Magnus von Grapple, then sadly looked around and muttered, "Um…Well, would you look at that. Sorry, I'd love to stay, but, ah…GOTTA GO!" And with that, POW! Lord Crump was gone…but not forever! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

"I…Wow, sis, I don't believe it…but…Mario drove away the X-Nauts!" Punio said to Petuni, his voice growing happier and happier.

Every last Puni in the room, aside from the groaning Elder, cheered in unison and hoisted Mario and co. up among them. The whole sea of Punies then escorted Mario to the dropped Emerald Crystal Star. Our favorite Italian plumber hero then held the artifact over his head, smiling, as—AAAAAH! FLASHY SEQUENCE HURT EYES!! AUTHOR NO SEE! OUCH!!

**YOU GOT A CRYSTAL STAR!! MARIO GAINS STAR POWER AND LEARNS A NEW SPECIAL MOVE—CLOCK OUT!!**

_**END OF CHAPTER!!**_

--

**X-Naut Base**

Grodus was sitting in his hi-tech room, as usual, stroking a mirror he held in his hand with one index finger.

"Hey there, you awesome hunk of X-Naut," he crooned to his reflection. His tone of voice then shifted to baby talk as he said, "Who's gonna be the biggest, baddest ruler of the world? You are! Yeah, you are! Gimme kiss, Grodus, baby!" He then puckered his lips (if he really even has any) and made hot love to the mirror.

X-Naut commando Johnson, who had silently entered the room, abruptly got Grodus' attention as he said, "Permission to speak, you narcissistic old son of a—"

"Yes! Yes! OUT WITH IT!" roared Grodus. "What're you doing in here, sneaking up on me like a common sewer rat?!"

"Sir," Johnson said, his tone of voice now shaking, "I'm sorry to report that both the Shadow Sirens and Lord Crump have failed in their mission to retrieve both the Great Boggly Tree's Crystal Star and the one collected from Hooktail's Castle by Mario."

Grodus then oddly began to shiver, his body reddening as his spectacles were overwhelmed with heat. He soon spouted out a high-pitched wail of fury, much like a tea kettle. Johnson hurried over to Grodus' throne, picked him up, and placed him elsewhere in the room to let him cool down.

Grodus, now wiping his brow with a handkerchief, spluttered out, "Thanks for that."

"No prob, Grodus, sir—ah, ma'am—um, lord—uh, master—er, grocery store manager—uh—"

"Shut up. Now, you were saying something about…ugh…that wretched plumber DEFEATING CRUMP AND THE SIRENS?!" said Grodus, evidently still very angry.

"Q-Q-Quite right, Sir Gr-Grodus…" Johnson stuttered.

"Just what do I pay those buffoons to do?! Sit around and carve pumpkins while some fat guy whips their sorry butts and ruins our plans!!" Grodus cried indignantly, flailing his arms colorfully.

"Apparently, sir," responded Johnson.

"Well…don't worry too much about that right now," Grodus said, trying his hardest to calm down. "They should just report back here as soon as possible…Also, Johnson…"

Johnson paused before leaving the room. "Yeah?"

"Sorry about biting your head off there when you came in," the X-Naut leader muttered. "It's just…I don't like people disturbing my quality 'me' time, okay? Get lost."

The commando did as he was told, and Grodus glided back over to his throne.

"Mario…" he growled almost silently. "I despise you."

--

**X-Naut Base – Peach's Room**

"Wow, I'm plumb bored out of my mind," complained Princess Peach, who was now sprawled out on her comfy holding room bed. "Nothing to do around here but eat meals, take showers, and sleep. Kinda reminds me of that overweight cat from the comics…"

The exit door to her room abruptly opened at that moment.

"Mmm?" Peach strolled over to the door. "Oh, I suppose it's TEC again…" She sighed, walked through the empty corridor outside, and entered the computer room, where TEC was patiently waiting.

"G'DAY, PRINCESS PEACH."

"G'day, TEC," mumbled Peach, yawning and stretching.

"TAKEN ANY GOOD SHOWERS LATELY?"

"And just HOW is that YOUR business?" Peach snapped, folding her arms and turning away from TEC's screen.

"I AM NOT SURE. IT JUST IS…"

"You're apparently not big on small talk, huh?" remarked Peach.

"YOU ARE QUITE RIGHT ON THAT. WELL, ENOUGH OF THIS…I SPECIFICALLY CALLED YOU BACK IN HERE FOR SOMETHING."

"Like…what?" Peach inquired, tilting her head as she looked back at TEC.

"I HEARD YOU MUMBLING QUITE COHERENTLY IN YOUR SLEEP LAST NIGHT. YOU SAID THINGS SUCH AS, 'OH, WHEN WILL MARIO COME AND RESCUE ME ALREADY?'. IN ADDITION, 'I'M SO TIRED OF BEING COOPED UP HERE, ALL ALONE, WITH ONLY A PERVERTED COMPUTER TO ACCOMPANY ME!' FURTHERMORE, YOU INQUIRED, 'POOR ME! WILL I NEVER BE ABLE TO HEAR THE SINGING BLUEJAYS AND THE RINGING SHOTGUNS OF THEIR HUNTERS EVER AGAIN? WILL I EVER GET THAT WOMEN'S MAGAZINE I MAIL-ORDERED LAST WEEK?'—"

"Right then, TEC, just cut to the chase," Peach impatiently interrupted.

"…BUT WHAT REALLY CAUGHT MY ATTENTION WAS YOUR RATHER PERSONAL QUESTION OF, 'WILL I NEVER GRACEFULLY DANCE AT THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM BALL EVER AGAIN?' AFTER HEARING SUCH A THING, MY CPU HAD AN ODD JOLT…AN URGE, OF SORTS."

"FORGET IT!" yelled Peach. "Uh-uh! Not happening, you sicko! Imagine what our children would look like!!"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, PEACH…FORGIVE ME IF IT WAS IMPLIED AS SUCH," TEC flatly responded. "IN ACTUALITY, I FELT A PROCESSED COMMAND WITHIN MYSELF TO…DANCE…WITH YOU."

"And…uh…" struggled Peach. "And just how would you do…_that_?"

"I HAVE MY WAYS," TEC replied. Without warning, a barely-visible electronic clone of Peach appeared before our favorite little ditzy princess.

"…Uh…wow," said Peach, who was simply at a loss for words. "This seems very bizarre, but…well, whatever makes you happy, TEC."

"I DO NOT FEEL 'HAPPY'," said TEC, "SIMPLY THAT I HAD A COMMAND, AND I ACCOMPLISHED IT."

Princess Peach sighed and held both hands of her electronic clone in a beginning dance pose.

"I WILL NOW USE MY SUPER-DUPER TUTORIAL POWERS TO TEACH THE AUTHOR HOW TO CONTROL YOU IN THIS DANCE," TEC instructed. He then turned his lens to the screen and said, "IF YOU NEED INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO AID PEACH IN HER DANCING, CHECK OUT THE ENCLOSED INSTRUCTION BOOK."

Uh…

_What_ enclosed instruction book?!

"…SORRY…"

So then, a crystal disco ball lowered from the ceiling, and Peach danced with her duplicate to some nice ballroom music for about two minutes, with each button appearing on the screen being pressed successfully so as to have her perform each correct move in the dance.

As soon as the dance finished, the duplicate flickered out, and Peach lowered her arms. "Will that be all?" she calmly asked TEC.

"YES, I WOULD SAY THAT IS ALL I REQUESTED," TEC responded. "THANK YOU SO MUCH, PRINCESS. THAT WAS FUN…"

TEC then paused for a moment. "WAIT…FUN? WHAT IS THIS 'FUN' I COMPREHEND? IS IT NOT UNLIKE 'LOVE'?"

Peach turned away to leave the room, a wide smile on her face. "TEC, you are one strange computer!" she said happily.

"WRONG. I AM NOT STRANGE, BUT RATHER, PERFECT."

"Whatever…"

"OH, SORRY, PEACH. REFRAIN FROM LEAVING JUST YET…"

Peach raised an eyebrow. "How come?"

"I AM QUITE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT YOU ARE ASSISTING ME WITH. I WOULD LIKE TO GRANT ANY WISH THAT MAY BE ON YOUR MIND."

Peach was a bit suspicious as to how wide her spectrum of wishes could be, seeing as she had been in captivity before with Twink, who couldn't do a thing for her at first. _But wait!_ thought Peach. _Twink WAS able to help me communicate back and forth with Mario…THAT'S IT!!_

"Well, TEC," Peach responded, sighing deeply, "I _do _have one request…I'd like to use whatever communicator you may have to keep in touch with Mario. Is that okay?"

"AS LONG AS YOU KNOW HIS ADDRESS, I HAVE NO QUALMS," TEC said.

Peach thanked TEC and walked up to his keyboard, typing up an e-mail to Mario's portable Mailbox SP at, like, 287 words per second. She hit the Enter key after a few seconds, and the envelope traveling across TEC's screen indicated that it had gotten safely to "itsamemario23899997atm-maildotcom", Mario's e-mail address.

The princess turned away once again to exit the room. As the door opened and she left, the lights in the computer room dimmed.

A quiet, monotonous noise resembling a sigh rose from TEC. "GOOD NIGHT, PRINCESS PEACH…"

--

**Petal Meadows**

"Hurk…Oh, geez, this is really tough…" groaned a familiar evil voice from inside the warp pipe leading to Petal Meadows.

As it turns out, Bowser had a bit of a difficult time getting to the location of the first Crystal Star. Fortunately, after about two hours of flying, then wading through sewage water, then relentlessly insulting Kammy Koopa's lack of common sense, he had finally gotten to the Petal Meadows pipe. Unfortunately, he now had to squeeze through the ridiculously narrow thing!

"I can see the exit to this damned pipe! Praise the Lord!" cried Bowser joyfully. "Gimme a bit more of a boost up, you dumb purple hag! It's your own fault we had to take this stupid route in the first place!"

"Well, Your Demandingness," murmured Kammy from farther below, "it was a rather common mistake on my behalf. I mean, yes, I may have forgotten to fill your Koopa Klown Kar with enough gas before we left, but doesn't that always happen to even the best of us? I'm only Koopa, after all. It's no big deal."

"No big deal?" Bowser shouted as he popped his head out from the pipe and got his first view of the meadows. "_NO…BIG…__**DEAL?!**_ Listen here, you fool, _I nearly CHOKED ON BLOOPER FECES back in that part of the sewers where that friggin' 'Cuddly' beast was!!_ I don't think I've ever been soaked with so much ink in my life!...Well, we're here."

The Koopa King was first to finally squeeze his way out of the pipe's last portion, landing on the first stretching field of flowers as Kammy zoomed out of the pipe on her trusty broom.

"Now, then…" Kammy said, looking patiently around at her surroundings. "I did not get specific information on just where around here the Diamond Crystal Star was, but we can certainly find it after doing some destructive browsing! GACK HACK HACK HACK HYECK BLECK! Onwards, Your Browsingness!!"

"With pleasure," replied Bowser.

The villainously villainous, yet somewhat incompetent, villain then easily prevailed through a weird reimagining of a Super Mario Bros. level, burning randomly placed enemies to a crisp and grabbing pork rinds for super invincibility along the way! He ended the mock-level by trampling over the victory flagpole as a giant invincible behemoth, then entering a formidable-looking castle…yet, for some disappointing reason, he just found himself next in the village of Petalburg, normal-sized.

The Koopa male greeting everyone who entered the village did not seem to recognize Bowser at first. He simply smiled, stuck out his right hand, and said, "Hello, traveler! My name is Kalvin Monty Jonathan Spike Maury Jerry Montell…"

He then realized he was trying to shake hands with King Bowser himself, and his smile disappeared immediately. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" the greeting Koopa screamed, running into the river. "IT'S BOWSER, KING OF THE KOOPAS!! HIDE!!"

Bowser cackled maniacally as several Koopas ran for their houses. "Boy howdy, that's right! Run, little chickadees! Run from Papa Bowser!" he roared.

"What fools," remarked Kammy Koopa, gliding in behind him with a grin on her face. "The rascals ought to be pledging undying allegiance to you, My Lord! Just goes to show you how unjustly soft our kind has gotten…"

Bowser silenced Kammy and strolled gleefully through Petalburg, singing a merry tune and stomping flowers, bees, and one unfortunate Bub-ulb along the way.

"You!" he suddenly growled, pointing at Mayor Kroop, who happened to be out on a stroll. Well, not much of a stroll, considering he was blindly walking into the side wall of his house over and over…

"Yes, sir?" croaked Kroop, turning over to Bowser.

"Got any information on the Crystal Star found here, bub?!"

Kroop whined, "I have no clue what brand of toothpaste you're requesting, you big ugly horned beaver! Leave me alone!"

Bowser stared in confusion at Mayor Kroop, a dumbfounded "WTF?" expression plastered on his royal face.

"Don't play dumb with us, Rip Van Winkle," snapped Kammy, pointing her wand at the elderly mayor. "YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!! Give us info on the Diamond Crystal Star right now. It'd be a real shame to have to turn you into a deep-fried Cheep-Cheep meal for His Angriness to enjoy!"

Mayor Kroop, who clearly had enough of this, screamed, "FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M NOT GOING TO JOIN THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY!" Kroop then whipped out his cane and beat Kammy silly in a flash. Bowser scooped up Kammy and ran screaming like a little girl to the exit of the village.

"FORGET YOU, OLD MAN!" Bowser roared back at the mayor. "YOU'RE JUST A FRIGGIN' WASTE OF MY TIME ANYWAY!!"

Koopie Koo and Koopley had been sitting down by the riverside when they noticed Bowser and Kammy Koopa running up to the gate nearby. Koopie squealed with fright and withdrew into her shell while Koopley got up and raised his fists at the Koopa King.

"Bring it on, Bowser!" shouted Koopley. "If I could handle ten years in the stomach of a putrid dragon, I can brave your onslaught!"

Bowser turned over to him, huffing with exhaustion, and sputtered, "Okay, dude, whatever. I'm in no mood to fight after encountering your psychotic mayor. You got any information on the Crystal Star's whereabouts around here?..."

Koopley lowered his fists and smugly said to Bowser, "Tut-tut-tut, old king! The early bird gets the Crystal Star!"

"And just what are you blathering on about!?" shouted Kammy, who had regained consciousness.

"Mario got here before you and your hag pal there, you brute!" Koopley further explained to Bowser. "The Crystal Star once possessed by Hooktail is now rightfully in his deserving hands."

Bowser breathed a giant spurt of flame in a rage, temporarily scorching Koopley right where he stood. "This sucks so much! What a waste of life…"

Kammy was too busy looking over at a window in another house, however. She could quite plainly see in the window…_Princess Peach_?!

"YOUR FIERYNESS! YOUR FIERYNESS!" she called. "OVER THERE!"

Bowser too noticed Peach in the house window, and he immediately regained a vicious smile upon his face. "Well, I suppose this wasn't a TOTAL waste…" he mumbled, walking over to the window.

Peach merely said, "……"

"Come now, Peachy!" Bowser happily said to the princess in the window. "You're coming back to good old Dark Land with little ol' me, hun-bun!"

"Tee-hee, she's so overcome with delight at your presence for a change!" said Kammy.

Once again, all Peach said was, "…"

"Oh, I see. The silent treatment," said Bowser, frowning towards her. "Well, I suppose I could live with you being silent for once! COME TO PAPA—"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Kristopher, the gatekeeper. "Keep away from my window, fiend!"

"Wha?" grunted Bowser. "…And just what right do you have in telling me what to do?"

"I'd rather _**DIE**_ than give up my _life-sized Princess Peach poster_ to a villain like you, King Bowser!" cried Kristopher, scurrying into his house and taking the _poster_ of Peach down from the window.

Bowser stood there for a couple of minutes, clearly struck dumb at this revelation.

"…

"…

"…

"……"

"Whoops!" whispered Kammy, nervously giggling. "Heh…heh heh…I guess that was somewhat of a…eh…miscalculation on…tee-hee…my…hee…part……"

"Great," Bowser flatly said, his smile sinking away like a two-ton anchor. "Just great. Now I'm going to be renowned as the big, tough, awesome King of Guys Who Talk to Posters……Oh, shut up, Kammy…"

--

**Outside the Great Boggly Tree**

"Marty-o…" the Elder began.

"MARIO!" screamed the plumber indignantly.

"Yes, yes, I know your stupid name…" the Elder continued. "…Well, I daresay that we will always, ahem, 'owe you one'!"

"Indeed, Mario," said Puniper. "You really helped in convincing me that I can't just sit on the sidelines in doubt forever when I should be taking action. I'll always be thankful for you and your allies' assistance in running those stupid X-Nauts straight out of our home!"

"Mario…" began Punio. "I too have to specifically thank you…for everything, really. You helped me get back here safe and sound, you helped in getting Madame Flurrie's aid, you saved the Elder and the other Punis…and most importantly, you liberated my sister among them all."

"Yeah, thanks for that!" said Petuni, giggling a little. "You can always come back any time, Mr. Mario! We promise! We won't be too busy…"

"Petuni's quite right on that, Marty-o," interrupted the Elder. "Just when my dumb back was acting up and my first use of Super Elder Powers in 36 years failed me, you were there to destroy that goofy Margaret Van Grumble thingy and drive Lord Dump away from us. Thank you so much! The same goes for your partners, too."

Mario and co. then said their respective goodbyes, promised to keep the Emerald Crystal Star secure in their possession, and backtracked to the entry point of Boggly Woods, ready and raring to get a third Crystal Star from wherever the heck they may go next!

--

**A/N:** Whew…I've been writing this chapter very on-and-off since April of '07, and just recently got the motivation to finish it all up. What's really quite sad is that this chapter alone is nineteen pages _longer_ in Microsoft Word than the longest chapter in _Paper Mario: Raw and Uncut _was. ;/ Unbelievable…

Well, with the Boggly Woods escapades all said and done, find out where our heroes will go next with the next chapter of PAPER MARIO TTYD: RAW AND UNCUT!

Now, make like the Elder and activate your super reviewing powers. :D


	5. Filler Chapter, Part 1

**A/N**: Well, long story short, I've decided to split the events preceding Chapter 3 into a separate Chapter 2.5, for the sake of shortening the length of the next chapter ahead of time. Mario and co. have arrived back in Rogueport, and they won't believe where they will have to get to next for Crystal Star number 3! Spicy hot sauerkraut.

--

**Chapter 2.5: Super Filler Chapter of Questionable Necessity!**

After leaving the Boggly Woods and arriving back at the site of the crumbled green pipe deep within Rogueport Sewers, Mario, Goombella, Koops, and Flurrie knew exactly where to go next…The Thousand-Year Door!

As the group of four proceeded on to their next destination, Mario loudly sang, "DA-NA-NA, DA-NA-NUH, DA-NA-NA-DAH-DAH, DAH-NAH-NUH, DA-NA-NUH, DA-NA-NAH-NUH-NUH! DA-NA-NA, DA-NA-NUH, DA-NA-NAH-NAH-NAH, DA-NA-NAAAAAAAAAAH, DA-NA-NAH-NUH-NUH!!"

"SHUT UP, MARIO!" the three partners yelled in unison.

"Okay, okay," Mario replied, walking up to the Crystal Star Shrine before the mythical door. He held up the Emerald Crystal Star, and the glittering jewel triggered another super-duper flashing sequence, which in turn triggered the location of the third Crystal Star on the Magical Map, which then triggered Koops to do the Hokey-Pokey for some reason.

As Mario and co. prepared to depart for Prof. Frankly's house, the Mailbox SP in his pocket began to rumble as a rendition of an old Super Mario Bros. theme played along.

"Whoa, hold up, Mario!" Goombella called out. "You need to pee or something?"

"Uh, I'm confused," said Koops. "What's with the music? Mario, ah, did you swallow your MP3 player or something?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Koops!" responded Mario, who had been checking the person that sent a new e-mail. "…Whoa! Holy smokes, it's from Princess Peach!"

"Oh, my!" cried Flurrie. "Open it, you dashing doofus! Open the message!"

_My Dearest Mario,_

_So very nice to see you again! Well…not literally, but you get the drift._

_I am currently uncertain as to where I am being held captive, but what I do know is that I've been captured by dastardly renegades known as the X-Nauts. You may already know who they are by now…If you do happen to, I pray you escaped from them safe and sound._

_I'm not _completely_ alone around these parts. I'm held in some sort of hi-tech robo-fortress, and I'm being accompanied in a room one hallway down by a very weird computer nicknamed "TEC", who tends to enjoy seeing me take showers._

"HEY!" screamed Mario. "NOBODY spies on Peach's regular showers like a filthy, slimy voyeur but _ME!!_"

_Sweet old Mario, I really anticipate your rescue of me…Please find out where I am and come, before it's too late! I must go now._

_Love,_

_Princess Peach_

"_Love?_" howled Koops, laughing maniacally. "Mario's got a girrrrrrlfriend, Mario's got a girrrrrrlfriend!"

"Apparently," growled Mario, "you've forgotten about the conceited broad who lives with your dad back at your sissy village of Koopas with ridiculously long names."

Mario and co. continued to argue on their way out of the sewers and to the front door of Frankly's.

--

**Frankly's House**

"Hrrrmmmmmm…I seeeeee…very interesting…" Frankly muttered absentmindedly, his gaze fixed on the Magical Map. "HRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMM……"

"Dear professor," Flurrie groaned, "you have been doing nothing but loudly grunting and saying random phrases such as, 'very interesting', 'I see', and, 'I'm hungry for a Shroomburger' the past two hours. Have you actually_ found out_ anything about this next location, darling?"

"DON'T RUSH ME, HIDEOUS BLOB!" screamed Frankly. "…Now, let's see…Ah-HA! Goombella, Mario, Koops, McFlurrie…You must all go to the glamorous glitzy floating city of GLITZVILLE! That happens to be where the Gold Crystal Star is located."

"Glitzville, eh?" murmured Goombella. "I've heard of the place once or twice…or A THOUSAND TIMES! I FRIGGIN' LOVE GLITZVILLE!!"

Frankly, taken aback by Goombella's outburst, replied, "Really, now?"

"Yeah!" Goombella said. "We went there on a junior high field trip. There were Hoggle's delicious hot dogs, cotton candy, Hoggle's delicious hot dogs, awesome Glitz Pit fights, Hoggle's delicious hot dogs, champion fighter Rawk Hawk, Hoggle's delicious hot dogs, Hoggle's scrumptious hot dogs, a souvenir shop, Hoggle's delectable hot dogs, and…what else…oh yeah! Hoggle's lip-smackin', finger-lickin' great hot dogs!!"

"That's lots of hot dogs," Mario remarked, backing away from Goombella as though she was beginning to creep him out.

"But, uh, we still aren't sure how we're gonna get there in the first place," said Koops. "Isn't it, like you said, a _floating_ city?"

"Yeah," said Frankly, "but you have a shining opportunity to get up to Glitzville nonetheless—right here in Rogueport! See, there's a Cheep Blimp service that can be found in this dump of a town just north of Rogueport's west side. Find a blimp ticket, take a ride, and BAM, you'll be in Glitzville without breaking a sweat!"

"Smashing!" exclaimed Flurrie.

Frankly then frowned, however. "But getting a Cheep Blimp ticket 'round these parts isn't going to be simple. See, the only shady types around Rogueport who actually have enough dough to afford an average ticket would be…"—Frankly gulped in nervousness—"…Don Pianta and his west-side syndicate goons!"

"Don Pianta, eh?" inquired Mario. "Sure sounds like a friendly guy, judging by the name and the fact that he's one of those nifty Pianta fellows!"

"Don't judge a don by his cover, Mario," warned Frankly. "He's no friendly Joe to just about anybody in this run-down area, except his prized daughter Francesca Leone Apollonia Pianta and his boot-licking underlings."

"Don, schmon!" Mario said, chuckling and waving his hand as if this information was a load of nonsense. "I knew a guy named Don in high school, and he'd always 'offer' me some lunch money every day! This Pianta guy can't be any worse."

"Fine, whatever," mumbled Frankly. "Good luck finding that Crystal Star in Glitzville, now. Don't say I didn't warn you…"

Following a heavy sigh from the professor, Mario and his friends closed the door to his house and were prepared to take off to the west branch of Rogueport when they noticed a house next to Frankly's with a Shine Sprite symbol on the front. Mario, who had collected six Shine Sprites on his adventure already in events not worth describing, walked in quietly. He immediately smiled upon seeing who lived within the house.

"EEEEK! ARE YOU A FIREMAN!?" cried none other than the ancient spell-casting magician, Merlon. "I HAVE A PATHOLOGICAL FEAR OF DOPES LIKE YOU! Outta my house! OUT, I SA—Wait, I recognize you…"

"Merlon!? What's up, home-slice?" Mario joyfully said, slapping high-fives with Merlon. "You helped me out so much in my previous paperlike adventure, and now you can't remember who I am? What a silly billy!"

"Heh, well, Mario," replied Merlon, "I'm no silly-billy. I simply got paranoid for a sec, that's it…Who are those new partners of yours? Oh no, are THEY firemen?"

"What made you, uh, think THAT?" Koops asked in confusion.

"…Sorry," muttered Merlon, sighing afterwards. "See, Mario, my old tent in Toad Town with the spinning roof burned down a short while ago. I called the town firefighters, but they just sat around eating cheese sandwiches and reciting terrible stand-up routines to me when they drove over. Naturally, I freaked out and then tried to save the tent myself, but she was already doomed to crumble…I've always feared firefighters ever since."

Goombella and the other two partners were now inexplicably crying fat tears over his recount of the incident, but Mario simply asked why Merlon was now in Rogueport.

"Well," the old magician began, "I had decided to move my business over to this crappy town after that tragedy, conveniently in time for the start of your new adventure involving the Crystal Stars! Aren't coincidental events in video games awesome?!"

Mario, giving a thumbs-up, happily said, "You bet!"

Merlon straightened up and looked a bit more serious. "So, it'll take three Shine Sprites out of your grubby little pockets to upgrade one of your freaky new friends. Got any?"

"Six, in fact!" replied Mario, tossing each one out of his pockets and onto Merlon's magic table of magicness.

"Peeeerrrrrfeeeect!" cried the magician. "Now then, which two partners shall be upgra—"

Without hesitation, Mario picked Goombella and Koops! Flurrie frowned in disappointment! And so, Merlon did some bizarre magic ritual involving phrases like "SHA-ZIBBY!" and "SHA-ZOOBY!" And Goombella and Koops learned Multibonk and Shell Shield, respectively! Both of them now had 15 HP! Too many exclamations!!

"Then you may go!" Merlon shouted firmly, throwing the four heroes out the door by their feet.

--

**Rogueport Plaza**

"You'd think old man Merlon would be more courteous than that…" muttered Koops, rubbing his left foot in pain.

Mario and co. headed across the center square of Rogueport, and stopped before reaching the overpass to the west side when they noticed Luigi, who had just oddly been standing next to the Item Shop. The younger Mario Bro, clad in his blue overalls and green clothes as always, turned around to see his brother out of nowhere.

"Bro!" yelled Luigi as the two siblings walked up to eachother and slapped high-fives. "You'll never believe the trials and tribulations I've suffered through the past couple of days…"

Mario snorted. "What happened? Did you find the Lord of the Dust Bunnies in our attic, or something?"

Luigi, frowning at Mario's smart-aleck questioning, went on to say, "Actually, I began setting sail for my second solo quest!!"

"What is it this time? 'Luigi's Spring Cleaning'?" inquired Mario.

"Seriously, knock it off," the younger brother snapped fiercely. "As I was saying…

"So, Mario, when you began setting off on your treasure hunt with Peach, I was loafing around the house once again, thinking that this would be yet another Paper Mario adventure in which I wouldn't do diddly-squat. That all changed five minutes after your departure, though!

"Ya see, I had just finished a quick and dirty battle with the Lord of the Dust Bunnies in the attic when Parakarry came right back and notified me of another letter he almost forgot to drop off. As he flew away, I took one look at the envelope and saw that it was addressed to…_ME_, bro! ME, for once! A man named Minister Crepe, hailing from the faraway Waffle Kingdom, informed me in the letter of the tragic kidnapping of Princess Éclair, the young ruler of the land. The letter ended with a plea for help from none other than LUIGI, baby!!"

Mario, who fell asleep while picking his nose ten seconds into the story, popped the bubble forming from his nostril and snapped back into attention with the other dozing partners.

"…Anyways," continued Luigi, "I locked the house up tight, got to Toad Town in a flash, and boarded the nearest boat for the Waffle Kingdom…

"So, as soon as I leapt off the edge of the boat and onto the first patch of dry land, I made a dash for Éclair's castle in the distance! Meeting Crepe there, he further informed me on the details of the beautiful young Waffle princess' kidnapping, saying she had been nabbed without warning by the vile Chestnut King, a beastly ruler who desired to control the kingdom with his iron fists. I gallantly accepted his second plea for help, and I was swiftly given the base to…an incomplete compass."

"And just how the heck would the base to a broken compass help you in any way?" asked Mario, getting suspicious as to how valid this story was.

"That's the other thing, Bro!" Luigi said. "Crepe then told me that the gadget I held in my hands was the Waffle Kingdom's other prized treasure…THE MARVELOUS COMPASS!"

Mario winced and quickly shielded his ears for a moment.

"I was instructed by the minister to look for the other six lost pieces of the Compass," Luigi continued, "and whaddya know—the wonderful thing still worked…but only slightly. With the single remaining fraction of the compass powering the base, it was able to point me in the direction of my first destination—Rumblebump Volcano!"

"Bumblebutt Volcano?" inquired Goombella. "What happened there?"

Luigi cleared his throat, and then began speaking again. "After bidding farewell to the castle's subjects, I valiantly set off for the village at the volcano's base. While there, I spoke to the villagers, and I mutually agreed with their desire to get rid of the behemoth controlling the volcano once and for all—I for a Compass piece, and they for the volcano to go back to its dormant state. And, get this, Bro…This little guy over here agreed to help me up the volcano! Ain't he adorable?"

The "little guy" in question was a furious-looking, light-brown Blooper, who turned over to Mario and co. "What the heck do they want, you klutz?" he angrily asked Luigi.

"Guys," Luigi said, ignoring his partner, "Meet the brave Rumblebump fighter, Blooey!"

"Doesn't look like much of a regular Blooper to me," remarked Koops. "What, ah, happened to him?"

"What HAPPENED to me? WHAT _HAPPENED _TO ME?!" cried Blooey. "I'll TELL you! This green-clad plumber bucko here was 'fighting' the fierce living statue at the summit of the volcano that was guarding a Compass Piece, then he stupidly TOSSED ME AT HIM!! THAT is what happened!"

"So…" muttered Mario. "While fighting that statue boss in Crunkjuicemump Volcano, you tossed Blooey to defeat it? That's what you're suggesting, Luigi?"

"Yep!" Luigi said, looking much happier than his Blooper partner. "In order to hit the villain's weak spot—a jewel embedded in its forehead—I jumped with all my might and threw my faithful buddy at that very point! The cad was vanquished, and the second piece of the Marvelous Compass was mine!!"

Blooey then erupted with a furious scream. "JUST WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU INSINUATING, YOU INSANE CREEP?!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. "YOU TOSSED ME AT THE STATUE'S JEWEL, AND YOU FECKIN' _MISSED!_ I went flying into the lava bed because of you!"

"So that explains your golden brown hue, darling?" Flurrie sympathetically asked. "Dear me…Mario, your brother is quite the abusive type to his partners…Good thing I'm traveling with _you_. Tee-hee!"

"Eh? Wha? What d'you mean, 'abusive'?" Luigi stammered. "We both came out of it just fine! I now have two compass pieces, a new buddy at my side, and I just recently sailed back here to Rogueport for a lunch of Choco Cake, Spicy Soup, and Shroom Fry! I feel like a new plumber, a new adventurer, and a new man!"

"That 'new man' phase won't last much longer if you boil me again…" Blooey furiously murmured. "Oh, my poor white body…Never will I be known as the fearsome 'White Torpedo' again…"

As Blooey floated over to a street corner to pout, Mario and co. said a hasty goodbye to Luigi and headed back for the west-side overpass.

However, they had once again been halted by an elderly Toad woman kneeling on the ground and looking for something.

"DON'T MOVE!" the woman yelled at our heroic plumber. Mario stopped right in his tracks, scared half to death already by her sudden shriek.

"Oh, crud, crud, crud…" she continued saying, slinking across the dirty street like a worm with a mushroom head. "Where is my contact lens? It fell somewhere around here…DON'T YOU DARE MOVE, PLUMBER BOY! I'LL GET IT!"

Mario, who continued to stay on the same spot, then noticed a tiny lens near the entrance to Rogueport's west side, and inched toward it. "Hey, ma'am," he started to call out, "your lens is right over—"

And then, the worst possible thing happened. A single tiny clinking noise broke the silence at this very spot of the town plaza, signaling broken glass…

Mario and his partners, however, were baffled as to how the lens could have broken when the plumber was still quite a few feet away from where he saw it.

The old woman turned extremely slowly towards our hero, and with one bloodcurdling scream, said, "_**YOU!**_"

Mario's eyes widened.

Koops gulped quietly.

Goombella started sweating.

Flurrie jumped a foot in the air with surprise.

Luigi, in the middle of drinking up the last of his Spicy Soup at the Inn, gasped.

Kammy Koopa, who happened to be hundreds of miles away at the moment, also somehow gasped with fright.

"Kammy, what's the matter?" Bowser inquired.

Kammy, now shaking on her broom fearfully, muttered, "…I felt…a disturbance…of the highest order…"

The Shadow Sirens, wherever the heck they were, started panicking.

Grodus drummed his fingers quietly on his armrest, quietly singing along to a Tupac song on his MP3 player.

Peach gasped in surprise and took a shower for no reason.

TEC silently mused the meaning of the bloodcurdling scream he'd just heard, and then giggled as he watched Peach take a shower.

Koopie Koo and Koopley frightfully withdrew into their shells.

The scream was not heard in Hooktail's Castle, as Hooktail was still dead. Why'd I even bother describing this area, anyway?

The Punies, terrified by the scream, all ran off a nearby cliff and then inexplicably came back to life two seconds later.

Now that that's all out of the way…

"YOU BROKE MY CONTACT LENS, JERK!" yelled the old Toad. "I, Zess T., will not stand for this!! You WILL get me another lens before you even _dream _of getting to the western branch of Rogueport. HUMPH!"

"But…lady…" Mario spluttered, trying to find the right words. "But I…I wasn't even next to the thing! It couldn't have just now brok—"

Mario's explanation was cut short when he noticed the shattered lens, still a couple feet away.

"Now just HOW did that work?..." he angrily muttered to himself.

"Please, Zess T.," Koops said, "we can, uh, get your lens later. Right now, uh…it's a need of the highest order for us to get to West Rogueport right, ah, now!!"

"Nope! I'm not going to stop blocking this pathway until I get that lens," Zess T. stubbornly responded, walking in front of Mario each and every time he tried to get past her.

"What the heck?!" Mario yelled in frustration. "We REALLY need to get over there! Get outta my way, grandma!...Ugh, stupid developers…WHY, oh WHY did they have to make her unavoidable?!"

Goombella sighed heavily, and then said, "We have no choice, Mario…Let's go to the Item Shop and see if they have a contact lens in store."

Mario and co. stormed off to the nearby Item Shop in Rogueport Plaza, saying hello to the shopkeeper, Plenn T., as they entered.

"Welcome, welcome, to the one and only Toad Bros. Bazaar!" Plenn T. said happily. "What can I do ya for?"

"50 coins," Goombella responded jokingly. "Lay it on me, babe!"

Plenn T. stared in confusion at the Goomba gal for a very long time, and then quietly turned back to Mario. "So…what do you need, Mario?"

"A contact lens," Mario said quickly. "Got any?"

Plenn T. then rolled his eyes, as if he knew exactly what Mario needed one for. "Oh, great…Hey, Thriff T.!"

Plenn T.'s brother, Thriff T., stumbled out of the storeroom, asking what was needed.

"We've got another victim of Zess T.'s here," Plenn T. said.

"Oh, right," Thriff T. responded, chuckling. "And lookie here, the new victim's none other than Mario Mario! Here, dude, I'll get you a lens…"

"What the?..." muttered Goombella. "…So, you guys saw this coming? We don't have to inconveniently wait for a while until you ship a new lens here for us to get when we come back?"

"Of course, little lady," replied Plenn T. "See, you wouldn't BELIEVE how many people have inexplicably stepped on one of Zess' dropped contacts over the years. She always goes screamin' and pitchin' a fit about how each and every one of them owes her a new lens. I swear, she drops at least one stupid lens every week…Anyway, to prevent inconvenient losses like those, me and Thriff T. ordered hundreds of contact lenses a while ago so that we'd always be in stock for her. They're all in the storeroom, and my bro is getting one now."

"How convenient!" gushed Flurrie.

"Indeed," said Plenn T.

As soon as his older shopkeeper brother finished his explanation, Thriff T. calmly came out of the storeroom and handed a fresh contact lens to Mario and co. Each of the four adventurers then left the Toad Bros. Bazaar and smugly walked over to Zess T.

"What is it _now_, Crunchy McStompalompadingdong?" she snapped.

"Here's your new lens, you old ha—er—old, yet _strikingly beautiful_ woman!" replied Mario, smiling and placing it straight onto her left eyeball.

"Uh…gee…I don't know what to say," she said, a broad smile beginning to glaze over her crabby face. "That's so…thoughtful of you…to give me a new lens! I'M CURED! YEEEEEEEEAH, BABY!!"

Mario rolled his eyes impatiently.

"For three minutes I was blinded by the loss of my sight…" she continued. "But now, I see once again…Thank you, you graceful, stomping, mustachioed man…This is the fourth new lens I've gotten this month! I never realized how nice everyone here wa—"

"That's great and all, but we seriously need to get through," snapped Goombella.

A frown suddenly came back to Zess T.'s face. "Oh. Okay," she said plainly. "Have fun on your dumb journey, Mr. Contact-Crusher."

She ran back into her house to begin cooking stuff again as Mario and co. sighed with relief, finally stepping into the western branch of Rogueport……

--

**Rogueport – West Side**

...And immediately being mugged of their items and coins by a Boss Bandit running by. The burglar chuckled like a little green-hooded menace as he zoomed towards East Rogueport faster than you could say "XSKZZZSKDKFJOOOOSLDKFDJF".

Mario, who had been knocked unconscious by this for a few seconds, got back up and heard Goombella screaming, "HEY, CREEP!! GET BACK HERE WITH THAT CRAP!"

"Mario, dude…Get up!" cried Koops. "That, uh, Big Bandit stole half your coins and all your items!"

"Oh, crud," Mario whined. "How could this happen to MEEEEEE?! I've made my MISTAAAAAAAKES—"

"Don't," Goombella said fiercely, shutting Mario's mouth.

"Sooooooo," Koops said after a long, drawn-out pause. "…Where to?"

Mario, Goombella, and Flurrie looked at the area surrounding them. They saw a small park with gorgeous grass patches and a fountain, a recently-opened Pianta Game Parlor, some common houses, and an Item Shop, but nothing resembling the entrance to a cleverly-hidden syndicate office.

"Dear me, I have no clue how we'll get to that fearsome Don Pianta," Flurrie said, frowning.

"Hey, you!" Mario shouted, tugging on the back of a wandering townsperson's shirt. The person turned around, and Mario was surprised to see that he resembled Rowf, the Canadian badge shop owner from Toad Town. In fact…he WAS Rowf.

"Uh…" Mario stuttered, dumbstruck at seeing another old friend in Rogueport. "…Wow! What's been going on, eh?"

"MARIO!" Rowf cried. "Old buddy! Didn't see you wanderin' aboot at first. You're on another journey, yah?"

"Mmm-hmm," Mario responded, nodding slowly. "I thought you were still off selling stuff in Toad Town, though…"

"Oh, that," said Rowf. "See, I decided to let my boy Rhuff take care of the shop for a while during my business trip over here. Good way to build character for 'im, eh?"

"I'll say," Mario replied. "Hey, uh, while you're around here, I was wondering whether you may know anything about the location of a certain Don Pianta?..."

"Ooooh," muttered Rowf, shaking his head, "I've got no idea. However, I have heard some rumors floating aboot Rogueport that the boss of the Robbo crime squad in East Rogueport may know where he is. You need him for somethin', yah?"

Mario nodded again, thanked Rowf, and walked back to Rogueport Plaza with his buddies…

But not before being halted by two Piantas in formal gangster outfits!

"Yo, Sean," one said to the other, "you seen dis mustachioed fool around these parts before?"

"Can't say I have, Fittizio," responded Sean. "'AY, MUSTACHED MAN! _Che cosa è il vostro commercio qui?_" (1)

"Eh?" muttered Koops.

"I'll handle this," said Mario, pushing Koops out of the way. He then turned to the Pianta mobsters and said, "_Out-a il senso, grandi scatti! Non potete - un vedere che stiamo provando ad ottenere indietro a casa a Rogueport orientale?! Siamo affamati, siamo ferireiti ed il fratello Ishnail del my-a che va renderci gli spaghetti di lotsa!_" (2)

"Mmmm…" said Fittizio, stroking his chin in deep thought. "…_Non lo imbrogliate, piccolo uomo rosso pudgy. Ishnail, dite? Suona come un ladro east-side sporco di Robbo me, Sean. Getti il suo outta dell'asino qui!_" (3)

With that, Sean picked up Mario and his partners by the skin of their necks as the plumber shouted, "_Ma non capite!_" (4)

Fittizio leaned down towards Mario's ear and whispered in an icy tone, "_Capisco molto bene._" (5)

Sean threw the four adventurers out onto the street of Rogueport Plaza. "_Arrivederci - arrivederci, sporcizia!_" he called out to them. (6)

"What was _that_ all about?!" Goombella said as she furiously dusted herself off.

"No clue," responded Koops. "I never, uh, bothered learning Italian. Perhaps I should have, for times like those."

"Don't you worry your pretty little heads over it," Mario muttered, brushing dirt out of his overalls. "I'm the Italian here, got me?!"

"So, dears, I suppose now we have to head east. Is that correct?" asked Flurrie.

Mario and co. followed Rowf's advice and headed for the overpass leading to East Rogueport. However, they were halted for the UMPTEENTH time this chapter from doing so, this time by a dirty, scruffy-looking Craw guard carrying a spear.

"Hold up, little bustas!" snarled the guard. "Ain't nobody gonna git past dis post o' mine without breakin' bread and payin' dat stuff!"

Mario tilted his head to the side, dumbfounded at what the guard just said. "Uh…Hey, Koops! You've been a chav for, like, ten years now!! Can you translate this mangy goose thing?"

"Oh, uh…sure thing!" Koops replied. The shy Koopa racked his brain for all of the street lingo he could remember, then turned back to Mario and said, "Okay, the guard says that nobody gets past him and into Eastern Rogueport without getting money and paying him."

"Why should we do that?" snapped Goombella. "He's probably some money-grubbing hobo dressed up in the actual guard's clothes!"

"What choo sayin', biznatch!?" the guard yelled at Goombella. "I'm da one an' only guard o' da east side of this Rogueport joint! Da real deal! I'm Gus, of the Robbo Gang!!"

"Koops, don't even bother translating that one," Mario said, flexing an arm angrily and pulling up his sleeves for a brawl. "This baby needs a whooping to put him into place!"

"Yeah!" Goombella cheered. "Forward, to East Rogueport! For the Blimp Ticket!"

"_**FOR THE BLIMP TICKET**_!!" yelled Flurrie, Koops, and Mario.

--

**!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

Mario HP: 15/15 FP: 15/15

Goombella HP: 15/15

Koops HP: 15/15

Flurrie HP: 15/15

VS.

Gus HP: 20/20

Mario uses Thunder Rage. Does 5 damage to Gus.

Koops uses Shell Toss on Gus. Does 3 damage.

Gus uses Spear Throw on Mario. Does 3 damage.

Mario uses Special Ability: Clock Out. Gus is immobilized for 3 turns!

Koops uses Shell Toss on Gus. Does 3 damage.

Mario hammers Gus. Does 2 damage.

Koops uses Shell Toss on Gus. Does 3 damage.

Mario uses Fire Flower. Does 3 damage to Gus.

Koops uses Power Shell on Gus. Does 3 damage. Gus faints.

**!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!**

--

Mario and co. each stomped over Gus, who was now laying face-first on the street and unconscious, and hopped off of him to enter East Rogueport.

Each of them looked around at the area once again, but, as expected, they could not find a single clue as to where they were supposed to head to in order to make contact with Ishnail.

"Hey, you!" Goombella shouted, shaking Gus until he woke up. "Where's your stupid Robbo boss' hideout!?"

"Don't go hurtin' on a little old thug like me, woman!" cried Gus, who was now sobbing heavily. "I'll do whateva da heck you want, 'kay?"

Gus walked over to a thin crevice between the walls of the Trouble Center and the house of someone else to get to the Robbo hideout, and Mario and co. followed by using their Paper Mode ability. After getting through to the back side, they found yet another house hidden behind the area.

"Stay here," Gus instructed sternly, trotting over to an electronic device nailed to the hidden house's front door.

"PASSWORD?" asked the device.

"Thug life," Gus muttered into the speaker.

"ACCESS GRANTED."

And so, the door automatically swung open, revealing various groups of Bandits and Craws all cramped into the place. The dirty, low-down look of the place turned Mario and co. off an awful lot, and the smell wafting out from the door was even worse. Pinching their noses shut, our heroes walked in quietly with Gus.

"Who be dese joiks?" a Craw sitting near the front door snarled. This unenthusiastic greeting was coupled by hostile glances from everybody in the one-room building at Mario.

"Calm it down, Garf," Gus said to the Craw. "These are just some adventurers looking to speak with the b—"

"HEY!" screamed Mario, pointing at the Big Bandit that stole his coins and items earlier. "YOU BETTER COME HANDING MY CRAP BACK, YOU WEASEL!!"

The Big Bandit looked confused for a minute, and then…he started crying.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" the Bandit sobbed. "Why'd you have to go an' call me a name like dat, dude? Take ya stuff, I don' need it anyway! WAAAAAAAAH!!"

"Wow," Goombella said flatly as Mario retrieved his stuff. "For a fearsome streetwise Bandit, you sure don't like name-calling."

"And that's exactly why I questioned Ishnail's reasons for taking him into the Robbo Gang," Gus whispered to Goombella.

"And besides," Goombella said, now talking to Gus, "you didn't mention that you talked normally, too."

"Ah, shucks," Gus said, chuckling a little. "Well, yeah, I've got no issue with talking normally…But, you see, we're thought of as heartless gangsters out there, especially by those slimy Pianta cheeseballs. I have to throw on the tough-as-nails image and the street jargon to really intimidate folks, keep 'em away, know what I mean?"

Goombella and Flurrie then started laughing wildly. "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" howled Goombella, using Flurrie's hand to wipe a tear of laughter from her eye. "You're even worse at the wanksta act than Koops! AND THAT'S SAYING A **LOT!** WAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA—"

Without a moment of hesitation, Goombella and Flurrie were then taken outside to "sleep with the Nibblers", if you get my drift.

Gus and Garf then came back in a few seconds later, the both of them dusting their hands off casually as Mario and Koops gaped in horror at whatever the heck just happened.

"Now dat dat's over an' done with…" said Garf. "BOSS!! Some mustachio's here to see ya!"

A voice from a door in the back of the large room shouted back, "If it's that no-good clean-sweep Don Pianta, tell him I have mononucleosis!"

"What da heck is mononucleosis?!" Garf yelled indignantly.

"…I have no clue," the voice responded.

Everyone in the main room slapped their foreheads.

"Besides, boss," Garf continued, "this ain't no Don come to see ya, no way. It's…ah…some Italian in overalls."

"I'm not falling for dat!" snapped the voice in the back room. "It's da Don disguised as some stupid fat plumber, isn't it?"

"WHY YOU LITTLE—" Mario hollered.

"Hold da phone, dere…" the voice interrupted. "…Dat don't sound like Don Pianta! Den again, he could be sportin' a nasty cold an' using it to his advantage…"

"MY NAME IS **MARIO!** _**MARIO!**_" the plumber screamed.

"Mario? Da famous dude always savin' dat Princess Nectarine broad?" the voice said excitedly. "I'll be right out, den!"

True to his word, Ishnail, leader of the Robbo Gang, walked out of the back room a few moments later, shaking hands carefully with Mario and Koops.

"Uh…" Koops began. "Just what species are you, anyway, sir? You look like a Koopa on top, but you have the features of a snail, too…"

"Well, er…" muttered Ishnail, quietly fiddling with the bridge of his sunglasses. "It involved a clumsy scientist and a botched experiment between me and a giant garden snail at da Kolorado Research Facility. I don't like talkin' about it."

"Kolorado and his associates are always quite the klutzes…" Mario said to himself.

"What was dat?" Ishnail interrupted.

"Nothing," Mario quickly replied.

"So just what do you bozos want?" inquired the Robbo leader.

"Ishnail, sir," Koops said, "we would like to, uh, know how we find Don Pianta's office around Western Rogueport."

Ishnail's face reddened a moment later. "WHAT DID YA JUST SAY?!" he cried. "You wanna look fo' dat no-good Don scum and his suck-up associates? Hmm…I guess I can tell ya meddlesome jerks for the price of 64 coins. PAY UP!!"

Mario shrugged, seeing as he had no other choice. He dug 64 coins out of his pockets—ironically, the same amount that was stolen and returned by the Big Bandit—and angrily shoved them into Ishnail's filthy hands.

Ishnail snickered. "Glad to see you're willin' to do business with me, mustachio!" he said gleefully. "'Kay, listen up, 'cause my throat's itchin' to rest, and I'm not going to repeat dis…In order to find Don Pianta's HQ, you gotta go to the Item Shop on da west side, and then you must buy a Dizzy Dial and a Dried Shroom—in DAT EXACT ORDER! Aftawards, da shopkeeper lady will ask ya what your favorite color is. Say 'yellow'. Got it? Y-E-L-L-O-W. She might trick ya with a different question, but regardless of what da question is, answer with 'yellow'! Now git outta my sight!!"

Mario and Koops did as they were told, and snuck back into West Rogueport in a Metal Gear Solid fashion to avoid Sean and Fittizio. Along the way, they notice Goombella and Flurrie slipping through a nearby sewer drain and went with them into the item shop.

As soon as the four heroes entered, the blue Boo shopkeeper, Peeka, said, "Oh, hey, mustached cutie! Welcome to Westside Goods! Where the store provides the items, and I provide the goods…if you know what I mean. How can I help ya?"

As Peeka said this, she continued staring misty-eyed at Mario. Our favorite plumber simply needed to see the fake rabbit ears she was wearing to immediately be turned off.

"Hey, uh, miss," Koops said, "could we have one Dizzy Dial, please?"

"Anything for you li'l cuties!" Peeka joyfully said, giving Mario a Dizzy Dial as he paid for it. "…Seriously, _anything_."

"Look, ma'am, I didn't come here for you to hit on me in unimaginable ways," Mario said, gritting his teeth. "Can we also have a Dried Shroom?"

Peeka raised an eyebrow at this request, but reluctantly gave the Dried Shroom to Mario as he paid a few more coins. Without warning, she then fired four tranquilizer darts at all four adventurers.

"What the—" Mario began yelling. Unfortunately, he was already beginning to doze off in the blink of an eye. "_Ugh…oh…noooooooot aagggaaaaaain…_"

"Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix once again started playing repeatedly as mind-bending patterns glazed over our heroes' eyes, each of them angrily looking over at Peeka before they fell unconscious and were tossed into a nearby dumpster.

--

**East Rogueport**

Each of our four heroes woke up a few hours later, leaping out of the dumpster and running furiously back to Ishnail's hideout. As they got there, Mario didn't even bother with the password, simply punching the door off its hinges in a rage.

The entire main room became silent all of a sudden, with everybody fearfully looking at Mario, who was red all over, with wet garbage dripping from his clothes to the ground.

Ishnail, who was cleaning a cola glass, looked over at Mario and began giggling nervously.

"Uh…" the Robbo stammered. "…Pfft…hee-hee…Whoops. I guess, er…it was a _Dried Shroom_, and THEN a _Dizzy Dial_!"

--

**West Rogueport**

"You again?" Peeka wondered out loud as Mario and co. returned to Westside Goods. "…Ha-ha, okay then! You sure are persistent little cuties! I like that in a man—er—in a group of heroes!! How can I help you?"

"YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHAT WE WANT!" Koops screamed in a rare fit of anger. "GIVE US A _DRIED SHROOM_, AND THEN A _DIZZY DIAL_ ON THE DOUBLE!!"

Peeka gave them the two items in the requested order, and then quietly started chuckling.

"What is it now?" moaned Flurrie.

"Right, so here it goes," Peeka responded. "Okay, plumber baby, what color is your underwear?"

Mario was baffled as to why the shopkeeper would ask that as an alternate question, but he remembered Ishnail's advice and replied, "Yellow."

Peeka's smile widened as she asked, "What's the color of your bedroom's wallpaper?"

"Uh…yellow."

"Right, okay then…What do you like best about a girl?"

"……Yellow?"

"Okey-dokey…"

Peeka went on asking peculiar questions to Mario, and it eventually became obvious to the partners that she was, once again, hitting on him with such odd things that she wanted to know.

"…What's your favorite song?"

"Er…'Yellow'."

"Oh, goody, I love that song too! Now then…what's the size of your—"

"YELLOW!" Mario abruptly screamed at the top of his lungs, as he was now sick of the questions. "IT'S YELLOW, OKAY!? YELLOW, YELLOW, YELLOW, YELLOW, **YELLOW!!**"

Peeka raised her eyebrows in surprise yet again, and then slapped her forehead, saying, "Ugh, what's gotten into me today? None of these were the right questions…Anyway, what's your favorite color?"

Mario walked up to Peeka, grabbed her by one rabbit ear, and said to her in a deathly quiet tone, "My…favorite…color…is…yellow. Can…I…see…the…stupid…Don…now?..."

Peeka trembled as she replied, "Y-Yeah…G-Go ahead…the door is part of the back wall…J-J-Just feel around for th-the knob!"

Mario stomped over to the store's back wall and eventually found the backdoor, walking up a few stone steps with the partners to another building…

--

**Pianta Syndicate – Don Pianta's Office**

"Anybody home?" Goombella called out as the adventurers went inside the office.

"Yes," said a low, gruff voice from the room's other side. "And in most traditions such as ours, it's more courteous to knock before entering da room, don'tcha think?"

"…Sorry…" Goombella murmured, looking over at the rest of the room to see two Pianta underlings next to the opposite wall. The Don himself was sitting at his nicely polished desk, frowning heavily at Mario and co.

Don Pianta resembled anybody else of his kind, except that he wore mean-looking sunglasses and a classic fedora outfit, coupled with a thick black mustache that could rival Mario's.

"What's up, Don Pianta?" Mario said, walking over to give the Don a high-five. "How's the big, bad leader of West Rogueport been doing—"

"AN' JUST WHO WOULD YOU BE?!" shouted one of the associates. "Walkin' in outta nowhere and askin' for da Don's almighty hand like dat!? Fo' shame…"

"Quiet, Tony," Don Pianta said calmly to the angry associate. "I'll handle dis fool…"

"But boss—" began the other associate.

"BUT _WHAT_, VINNY?" Don Pianta yelled. "CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF TALKING?!"

The associates, apparently named Tony and Vinny, backed down with disappointment. "Awfully sorry, boss," muttered Tony. "It's just, what with the recent events involvin' Frankie and your daughter…we figured you'd be too angry to speak straight."

"Anyway, Mr. Don Pianta, sir," Goombella began, "would it be possible for you to…ah…I dunno…hook us up with some tickets for the Cheep Blimp bound for Glitzville today?"

"WHAT DA…" Don Pianta yelled angrily. "…Listen up here, you sassy little chocolate chip, I'm not gonna hook ya up with no tickets for SQUAT if you just barge in an' expect me to do everythin' for ya!! You need ya little baby diapers changed or some crap like dat? I AIN'T GOT DA TIME!!"

"Seriously, dude," Mario snapped, "ALL WE NEED are a few MEASLY LITTLE BLIMP TICKETS!"

"You're not gettin' diddly-squat from Da Godpiantafatherthingy! He even said so," remarked Tony.

"You're da greatest, Don Pianta!" Vinny cried. "I love you!"

"Seriously, Vinny," Don Pianta mumbled, "what da heck's da matta with you?"

"Just doin' my daily suck-up routine, God—I mean—sir," Vinny responded. "Don't mind none…"

Don Pianta turned over to Mario. "Listen up, plumba boy," he said, "perhaps I can make an offa you can't refuse…involvin' da blimp tickets as a special reward."

"Yippee!" cried Mario. "What ridiculously easy little task do you have in mind for us?"

"Listen up, here," Don Pianta said. "Ahem…

"My beautiful young daughter, Francesca Leone Apollonia Pianta, recently disappeared with Frankie, my highest-ranked underling. Eloped, actually. They've run off to get married in Gawd-knows-where without my permission, and now I'm worried sick about my little sugarplum!"

"And?" asked Mario.

Don Pianta then said, "…So here's da deal, uh…"

"Mario."

"…Mario: You gotta find my daughter and that jerk Frankie. Do it, or else you can kiss dose blimpy tickets bye-bye."

Mario, after hearing about this difficult task, abruptly popped a vessel in his forehead, triggering one of his famous destructive tantrums. He began running over every single square inch of the room, though he couldn't destroy anything due to the office's tantrum-proof rug and walls. While doing all this, Mario had also been charging repeatedly into the Don's desk on all-fours like a wild bull, making about three minor scratches in its surface as a result.

"WHAT DA HECK DO YA THINK YA DOING, JERK?!" screamed Don Pianta. "DON'T YOU _DARE _DAMAGE MY BEAUTIFULLY-POLISHED DESK LIKE DAT, LITTLE WORM! Dis thing was polished usin' da SWEAT of my labors, da TEARS of my family, AND DA _BLOOD_ OF MY ENEMIES!!"

Mario stopped dead in his tracks.

"Okay, hold up there, Vito," Goombella snapped at the Don. "_We_ have to find Francesca and Frankie _for_ you?! What a load of blackmail! Get off your lumpy Pianta butts and find them yoursel—"

Goombella was immediately taken out by Vinny to "sleep with the Nibblers" once again.

"So, then," Don Pianta growled at Koops, Mario, and Flurrie, "are we on da same page now? Or does one of ya need to accompany Miss Goombella in da wet 'n' wild afterlife?"

Flurrie, sweating profusely with terror, said, "Very well, dear Don Pianta. We shall abide to your requests…"

It took some more threatening and violent tantrum-throwing, but Mario and Koops also agreed sometime later. The trio of heroes left the office to find the runaway Pianta lovers as the Don asked Vinny to bring him a cold submarine sandwich from the office's fridge. Vinny did as he was instructed, but as the pieces of the sandwich fell apart after he took it out, he yelled, "Whoops!"

"STUPID SANDWICH!" Don Pianta shouted. "Dat dumb thing betta stay together, or it's wakin' up tomorrow morning all nice and snuggled in da fridge with a Robbo's head……"

--

**Rogueport – The Docks**

After sneaking back out of West Rogueport and searching every square foot of the town aside from the entrance, Mario and co. had no choice but to return to the very same area in which Goombella and Mario first met, and where this quest began in the first place.

Meanwhile, not too far down by the edge of the docks, Don Pianta's daughter, Francesca, and his top underling, Frankie, were waiting anxiously for the arrival of the boat taking them to Lavalava Island for their abrupt wedding ceremony. As they stood anticipating the boat, Francesca turned around for a split second and glanced up at Mario entering the docks.

"Oh, no!" whined Francesca. "Frankie, sweetie! Someone else is coming!"

"What's da big problem, little sugar cookie?" Frankie sympathetically asked his worried girlfriend.

"He looks quite suspicious…" Francesca said as she began trembling. "Thick mustache, plumber clothes, an 'M' cap…You don't see many people who look like that around here! EEEEEK!! OMIGOSHOMIGOSHOMIGOSH WHAT IF DADDY SENT HIM HERE TO GET US?!"

Frankie turned around, looked over at Mario, who was approaching quickly, and muttered, "Aw, crapsicles…"

"Francesca Leone Apollonia Pianta?" Mario asked quietly, calmly walking up behind the Don's daughter.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! AWAY! AWAY!" screamed Francesca, smacking Mario silly with her purse. "What the heck do you want?!"

"Yeah, what is it?" questioned Frankie, raising his fists up. "No way are me and my little slice of pineapple pizza turnin' back now, you short little mustachioed creep! Git away from us!"

"SHORT?!" Mario screamed angrily. "That's it, young lady and young man, you're going right back to Don Pianta THIS INSTANT!"

"Sez who?" Frankie snarled.

"The Don himself," Flurrie replied.

"Oh, NO! Daddy knows we're still here now!" Francesca screamed. "Either way…hee-hee…the boat's coming in two minutes! You four creeps will never get us caught! I'm staying put with my darling Frankie."

Frankie agreed wholeheartedly, but then mumbled to her, "Y'know, snow bunny, I still feel a bit, uh, bad 'bout elopin' without warnin' and leaving da boss hanging like dis."

"WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING, FRANKIE!?" Francesca yelled at her undecided boyfriend. "No way are we giving up the eternal love binding our souls, regardless of the selfish needs of Daddy or this fat man here!"

Mario, furious at this stubborn Pianta girl's persistence, stormed off for West Rogueport, once again reuniting with Goombella through a sewer drain on the way.

--

**Don Pianta's Office**

After fighting off Peeka with a broken glass cola bottle, the group of four proceeded back through Westside Goods to the office of the Don.

"Finally!" shouted Don Pianta as Mario stepped through the door. "I've been waitin' here with Vinny an' Tony for a friggin' hour!"

"What are you talking about?" Koops angrily asked. "That was ten minutes in video game time."

"Well, we're talkin' _real-life_ minutes here, not video game minutes," the Don snarled. "Now then, did ya find Francesca and Frankie?"

"We sure did!" replied Goombella. "They're over at the entrance docks. Go take that persistent slut and her man-whore down for us, will you?"

"Now, now," the Don said, "I'm aware they're both little troublemakin' tykes, but don't go talkin' smack about dem like dat. Hear me?"

"Whatever, Godpiantafatherthingy," Goombella mumbled.

"Tony! Vinny!" Don Pianta shouted, cuing the two to rush off for the docks. Surprisingly, they were back in a mere thirty seconds…in video game time, that is!

Francesca and Frankie, now both furious, were trying to fumble out of their grip, but it was no use; Vinny and Tony practically had arms of steel.

The Don began pacing back and forth in front of his associate and his daughter, shaking his head sadly. "Francesca, Francesca, Francesca……What am I gonna do with you crazy kids?"

"Make them both sleep with the Nibblers," Goombella remarked. "Y'know, just so both our groups are even."

"How many times do we have to tell ya to be quiet?" snapped Vinny, slapping Goombella upside the head.

"Look, Daddy," Francesca said, sighing deeply, "I know what I'm doing may be looked down upon by you as foolish…but me and Frankie love eachother with the intensity of a thousand flaming balls of flaming flame! The only way we can break away from your overprotective grip and your ridiculous Mafia-like lifestyle is to strike out on our own."

"Indeed, I DO frown upon dis elopin' business…" murmured Don Pianta, showing a hint of sadness in his face. "…An' I never figured it'd happen to me…My own daughter, runnin' off like dis! An' YOU, Frankie! You were like a son to me!"

Frankie was now quietly sobbing. "B-But…Boss…It wasn't my fault!" he whined. "I'm so sorry I let you down…Francesca suggested that we—"

"FRANKIE!" shrieked Francesca. "Don't you go pinning the blame on MY rear end! YOU clearly suggested eloping in the first place."

"Ugh…I guess there's no use in me tryin' to hide it," Frankie said, sighing. "Boss, da truth is dat we BOTH thought of running away…"

Don Pianta began rubbing his temple thoroughly. "Seriously, now," he said, "you two don't have to go—"

"BUT REALLY, _I _DESERVE MUCH OF THE BLAME!" cried Francesca. "Punish ME, Daddy! Let Frankie go! I pushed him into suggesting that we elope!!"

"NO, BOSS!" Frankie screamed, again on the verge of tears. "Take ME to sleep with da Nibblers! Or to unintentionally get shot to save your life! Or even to wake up with a Robbo's head in my bed! JUST LEAVE FRANCESCA ALONE!"

"DADDY!!"

"BOOOOOOSSSSSSS!!"

"DADDY!!"

"BOOOOOOSSSSSSS!!"

"DADDY!!"

"BOOOOOOSSSSSSS!!"

"DADDY!!"

"BOOOOOOSSSSSSS!!"

"DADDY!!"

"BOOOOOOSSSSSSS!!"

"DADDY!!"

"BOOOOOOSSSSSSS!!"

"DADDY!!"

"BOOOOOOSSSSSSS!!"

"DADDY!!"

"BOOOOOOSSSSSSS!!"

"_**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALRIIIIIIIIIIGHT AAAAAALLLLREAAAAAAADY!!**_" the Don roared, shaking the very earth with his indignant voice as Francesca and Frankie shut up.

"Seriously, though, Don," Mario said after waiting quietly on the sidelines, "I suppose you should just let the two of them go."

"Hmm?" Don Pianta muttered, turning towards Mario and co.

The partners agreed in explaining that they were certain of Francesca's and Frankie's love, and that they should finally be left to do what they desired with their lives. After several more minutes of crying, arguing, and a hilarious commercial break to ease the tension, Don Pianta quietly gave in.

"Fine," he whimpered, a tear streaming out of his eye. "Frannie, Frankie…you guys go out an' take on da world all ya like. It was wrong of me to hold ya back like dis. Mario convinced me of dat."

"Oh, Daddy!" Francesca joyfully cried, hugging her father as she said farewell to everybody in the office with Frankie. With that, the lovestruck duo rushed out of the syndicate.

"And…" the Don began to call out. He paused for a second, then heavily sighed and loudly yelled out to the two, "…And don't ever let me catch ya two in dis gloomy old place again! You have fun out dere!..."

Francesca and Frankie managed to hear Don Pianta as they ran off. Both of them took one last glance at the window of the office, then seemed to grow quite sad as they turned back away and left for the boat to Lavalava Island.

Now that all of that crazy business had been taken care of, Don Pianta looked over at Mario and co., saying, "Bah, what a soap opera that was! I'm proud of dem, though…findin' undying love and all…" He began sniffling quietly.

Mario, Goombella, Koops, and Flurrie began feeling a bit of remorse for the Don, but he suddenly no longer looked pleased to still see them.

"What're you four lumps doin' here dawdling?" he snapped. "I need some private time, here…I don't wanna see ya depressing faces 'round dis office ever again…Git out."

"Yeah, giiiiiiiit outta here!" Vinny shouted, motioning his thumb towards the door as he looked angrily over at Mario and co. "Whateva God—er—da Don says, GOES!"

"Later," Tony said, feebly waving back at the four adventurers as they received Cheep Blimp tickets and left the syndicate office with one last hostile goodbye.

"Sheesh, how dramatic was all that?" Goombella said as the door closed.

"I do feel rather sorry for the Don," Flurrie commented. She then sighed and said, "After all, it's such a terrible time when you have to let go of your best co-worker and your own child. You never want to, but you know that it's good for them…"

As the group prepared to re-enter Westside Goods, Koops took one more glance at the office as he said, "I'm guessing that that's how my dad and Koopie Koo would react to me leaving Petalburg if they were more overly dramatic."

Mario and co. almost silently slid through the barely-open backdoor to the shop, planning to become paper-thin against the wall and escape so as to avoid Peeka. Unfortunately, Peeka apparently had a sharp pair of eyes, as she immediately floated out from behind the items on sale and lunged for Mario. Her desperate lust for the plumber was now reaching a very disturbing new level, as she had crudely put on a pair of yellow boxer shorts, spray-painted herself yellow, splattered yellow on the walls of the store, and was cranking Coldplay's "Yellow" on a nearby boombox.

"I'M GETTING ME A PIECE OF SEXY PLUMBER, BABY!" Peeka shrieked as she headed for Mario.

Our heroes all screamed and dashed through the front door as quickly as possible, boarding up the outside of it with several nails, wood planks, and pieces of furniture from the dumpster to seal Peeka back up into the item shop from whence she came.

Finally, without breaking a sweat, the four of them ran for the departing Cheep Blimp at the Rogueport Train Station, hurriedly showing their tickets to the ticket-inspecting Cheep-Cheep and hopping onto the blimp at the last second.

With this final leap of speed, our four heroes breathed a sigh of relief, looking out the window of the blimp to see Rogueport shrinking more and more in size as they rose higher into the beautiful sky of white clouds.

"Amazing…" Goombella whispered.

"I concur," Mario said, whistling with awe.

"What a smashing sight up here!" exclaimed Flurrie. "Clouds of the utmost perfection, not a drop of rain in sight, and…LOOK!"

Koops took his face out of his air-sick bag just enough to glance over at where Flurrie was pointing to. This area happened to be none other than the crowded floating city of Glitzville, their very next destination. Mario noticed with surprise that the Diamond and Emerald Crystal Stars were faintly glowing.

The third Crystal Star was waiting…

--

**A/N: **Ooooo-hoo! Hooray for a cliffhanger occurring right before the beginning of the actual chapter! Hooray for typing over thirty friggin' pages worth of a filler chapter as well!! Glitzville is now in plain sight, but I doubt our heroes really know just what they'll have to do yet.

And now, translations for that brief conversation in Italian between Mario, Sean, and Fittizio…

1) "What is your business here?"

2) "Out-a the way, big jerks! You cannot-a see that we are trying to get back home to East Rogueport?! We are starving, we are wounded, and my-a brother Ishnail going to make us lotsa spaghetti!"

3) "You do not fool me, pudgy little red man. Ishnail, you say? Sounds like a dirty east-side Robbo thief to me, Sean. Throw his ass outta here!"

4) "But you do not understand!"

5) "I very well do understand."

6) "Bye bye, filth!"

**In addition, don't forget to vote for the Yoshi Kid's color in Chapter 3! Friday's the cutoff date!**


End file.
